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Hi all, I'm new to DAD. I basically just wanted to get some advice on a matter that has been concerning me for a while now. I split from my ex 4 years ago when my daughter was 3. I have mainaind contact with my daughter throughout, although as time has passed I find myself not seeing her as often as I used to. This is partly due to a change in work commitments but also due to the face that about 18 months ago I find myself in a position where I was not able to pay my household bills so I had to share my rented house with a friend. This took up both bedrooms but was the on ly way I could keep a roof over our head. Because of this my daughter stopped staying over as frequently, which I understood. This was always a temporary agreement until such a time came when it was more suitable for my daughter to stay overnight again. During this time I upped my monthly payments to my ex in order to mak up for the nights that she now did not stay. She stayed with me for the days but just went home for bedtime. I am now in a position where myself and my partner are able to provide a bedroom for my daughter and now the ex is saying that she can only stay over during weekends because of the difficulties with school runs (although when I have my daughter I am off for two to three days so can take her to and from school without issue). As a result of this I remain to be paying the increased amount of monthly payments as she des not stay pver enough to warrant dropping it back down (conveniently). So now I only have my daughter sleep over when my shifts are not around the weekends, which is pretty rare. I have been becoming increasingly more suspicious of my ex's behaviour as now I seem to be getting requests from my daughter to come round for the day, which she is always welcome to, or offers that she can sleep over as a "one off" when it seems to suit the ex. The way these requests and offers are being made are as though it is to do me a favour, however the ultimate goal appears to be to benefit the ex rather than myself. My apologies for the long winded explanation and I hope it makes sense. Does anyone have any advice to this seemingly emotinally manipulative problem I am having?? Money has never been the issue, I have always support my child from the day I left. I just want some fairness and not be used as a pawn as and when it suits the lifestle of my ex partner.
Kind regards.
I dont know the legal terms for this but i was in a similar situation with my ex. I ended up going to court and getting a court order in place. With this we both sat down and agreed on things that were bound by law. It will be costly but it will give you the security you are looking for.
My ex left in March 2010 and moved back home to her parents which is 162 miles away. From June 2010 until the start of September 2010 i didnt see my daughter at all. I was informed about how she was via email with no telephone calls as she said it was to stressful hearing me and my daughter communicate over the phone. I went through the legal route during that period until in September when my ex agreed to let me have her in Hereford. This went on till January 2011 and i was having her every other weekend at this point. I didnt carry on with the legal route as it seemed things were OK and there was no need to spend money on it when it was all sorted. February 2011 we talked about getting back together and she came down for a week and all seemed good. She then decided at the start of March she didnt want to come back and we were totally over. I didnt see my daughter until the end of April for various reasons and then and after having her for a weekend In May she returned back to Boston and my ex said that as she was unsettled because of being away for a while she would no longer let me have her away from her overnight. Due to this i was forced to go162 miles every Saturday, picking her up at 10.00 and taking her back for 17.00. Due to this i started going back down the legal route as i felt li ke i was being treated like a babysitter and not a dad. It was horrible and there was no way i was going to be restricted to 7 hours a week when i was paying full child support every month through CSA. Some days out were really good we visited various animal parks and went swimming but there is no substitute for putting your daughter to bed and looking after her when she has a bad dream, all the things that make you a dad.
My point in all of this is that i can relate to you as i have been in a sort of similar position. One where you feel you have to just get on with it as you have no real say. Mothers are untouchable to a certain degree when it comes to these scenarios, unless you take stance. I did this by getting a court order and now i see my daughter every other weekend in her home town so she can see her family here and i know that cant change. If my ex does decide to have one of her famous moments of madness and not let me see her there are consequences to her actions now and that is worth every penny if you ask me. I know where i stand now and i dont have to worry about things like i did before.
I felt like you did. I felt like my ex getting me to go all the way to where she lives and take my daughter out for 7 hours a day once a week was just to suit her. I felt like all the things she did regarding our daughter, before i got a court order in place, were done to suit her. Unless you take a stance then it will never ease up because every time they say something and you just agree to it and dont take a stance they will know that any future decision they make you will just accept and it will go their way before they have even mentioned it to you.
Sorry this long winded but i hope you can draw something from what i have said that will help you. Maybe just a letter from a lawyer would shake things up and make her stand up and take some notice.If you do decide to go legal though, follow it through. I didnt intially and i regret that as i felt like the stop start just hindered me if i am honest.
Good luck and message me if you ever want to get a different angle on things through another father who has been through it all the last 2 years
Joe
If yoour not using the CSA and want to pay a fair amount then factor in for 15% of your earnings. If she has the hump about it then point her in the direction of the CSA calculator if you have her for more than 52 nights there is a reduction to be factored in as well
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