[Solved] Marriage break up, I need help please....

Hi Lee,

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is breaking up, you must be going through a tough time at the moment.

How old are your kids?

I guess at this point you are looking to get as much information as possible. I can ask the Coram Children's Legal centre to pop by and give you some advice regarding access etc. I will also ask our friends at Child Maintenance Options to pop by and explain your options regarding maintenance.

How long were you together?

Gooner

Hello Gooner

It is killing me from day to day. I am utterly devastated and I am in that hurt/fear stage at the moment.

My children are 2 and 5.

I am trying to get as much information as possibe, for the last week all I have done is looked over the internet to try and get answers however have read disasters stories from father's on their experiences etc. It is the issues surrounding access I just can't seem to find information on. I am extremely grateful for your help Gooner and welcome their input.

I have been with my wife for 10 years.

Regards

Lee

Hi Lee,

Welcome along.

There are lotes of horror stories on line, I work in the motor industry and we always say that if a car has an issue 10 people will right bad stuff about it to a 100 that are happy with there cars.

I think the same goes for break ups, all the horror stories are written about while the civil break ups aren't.

what discussions have you had so far regarding access?

Thanks for being so honest. We have loads of community members who have been through what you are experiencing.

The one bit of advice I would offer is to try to keep the lines of communication between yourself and your ex open. You will both be going through a emotional roller coaster at the moment so trying to keep your relationship as civil as possible can result in a better outcome access-wise.

Check out the some the articles on the site for some great advice. Though I would recommend Separated but equal and Hating the ex as a good starting point.

If you are having issues when it comes to discussing the breakup Mediation can help. Here is a link to the National Family Mediation's website. It may be worth considering.

Glad you found us mate, we are more than happy to offer advice or just listen (read?!) if you want a place to rant or vent.

Gooner

Gooner is right keep things as civil as you can, I call it Business like, if you were talking to a business client or customer talk to her the same way, stay proffesional and try to keep calm (easier said than done I know)

try to keep conversations around your children factual and keep emotions, feelings and oppinions out of the communication. If you are emailing or txt-ing leave a lengh of time between answering the messages so as to allow you to digest what you have recieved and reply in a good frame of mind.

and an important not keep ALL messages exchanged as they may be useful to reference back to for your own records or if things don't go well thhey can be used if a legal proccess starts

Dear Lee,

Thank you for your query.

Firstly, as you are married to your wife this means that legally you have what’s called Parental Responsibility for your two children. Legally, this means that you have exactly the same rights and responsibilities towards your children as the mother, which means that she must seek your consent in regards to anything that may affect your children’s lives. In practical terms, this means that she cannot change their surnames, consent to medical treatment, take them out of the UK or change their school without your consent.

In regards to contact, if your wife is the resident parent then she can legally refuse any contact that she doesn’t feel suitable but she does have to justify this and it cannot be for a trivial reason. There is currently no law governing contact, but there is a presumption under the law that contact is the right of the child and not the right of the parent; therefore it should only be restricted in serious circumstances.

To obtain contact with your children we would advise that you attempt mediation with the mother first. This is due to the no order principle in law that states that the courts are reluctant to make an order when they do not feel it is suitable. Mediation is run through an organisation called National Family Mediation and if it is successful, a contact plan will be drawn up with yourself and the mother in regards to when you are able to have contact. The telephone number for National Family Mediation is 0300 4000 636.

If mediation is not successful or if your wife does not agree to it, then we would advise that you apply for a contact order through the court. A contact order is a legally binding order that states when you are to have contact with your child and for how long for. As it is legally binding this means that your wife cannot breach it and if she were to she may have legal sanctions imposed upon her.

To apply for a contact order you must do this through a C100 form. You can obtain this form either through your local court, or online via the Justice website. The website address is www.justice.gov.uk. Once you obtain this form you must complete the form and lodge it at the court closest to where your children live. There is an application cost of £200 to apply for this order.

If you are eligible for legal aid then we would advise that you obtain an EX160A form. This is a fee exemption form and will waive the £200 cost for the application. Additionally, if you wish to represent yourself then we would advise that you also obtain a CB1 and a CB3 leaflet. These leaflets are guidance on how to represent yourself during the court process and can be obtained either through your local court or through the Justice website.

Once you lodge the form and it is processed through the court, you should obtain a court date within 4 to 6 weeks, but this is dependant on the court’s availability and the judge. Once you are granted a hearing the court will then make a decision based on what’s in the best interests of your children. This is based on the Child Welfare Checklist and is contained within s1(3) of the Children Act 1989.

If a court order is granted it will stay in place until your children reach the age of 16, and as mentioned previously, it is legally binding therefore your wife must comply with it.

If you have any further questions please contact us again via our webchat facility. The link to our webchat is http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=web_chat.

Yours sincerely,

Coram Children’s Legal Centre

Hi Darren.

That is true, I have never looked at it like that probably to do with where I am at the moment.

We are at the point where I am taking some time out of the relationship just for a week to see if it helps the situation however deep down I know that it is over. I just need to get to the part I can accept it without hurting and I am also scared as I don't want to reach the part where I have anger towards her.

The only discussions we have had is that she can't go on, the house has been valued and that is to be discussed when I get back. I asked if I could have the children 3 nights a week however she said 2 and then the threat came, if it goes to court 'you will be lucky to get 1 night'.

We are talking ok and there is no arguments, raised voices etc, we tend not to do this anyway. It is amicable however I find it hard being around her with the emotions that I carry for her.

Thanks Gooner. I really appreciate your support as well as the other readers who have gave advice.

They are very interesting reads that you recommended and I have book marked them for me to read over from time to time.

Thanks again.

I asked if I could have the children 3 nights a week however she said 2 and then the threat came, if it goes to court 'you will be lucky to get 1 night'.

Two nights is a good starting point. If you can show some that you are willing to compromise then maybe at a later date you could negotiate more evenings. Remember at a later date you will also be discussing holidays and Christmas periods etc as well.

We are at the point where I am taking some time out of the relationship just for a week to see if it helps the situation however deep down I know that it is over. I just need to get to the part I can accept it without hurting and I am also scared as I don't want to reach the part where I have anger towards her.

That sounds like a good idea - you both need some distance and space to put everything in perspective.I can imagine how hurt you must be feeling so having some "Me" time can't be a bad thing. Do you have a good circle of friends? Try forcing yourself to be a little bit social at the moment. Spend some time with mates and try not to dwell (easier said than done) but it will give you sometime to process things.

You need to chat then pop back - we are always here for our members.

Gooner

Again Gooners right 2 nights week is a good start and as much as some dads get in total, learning to pick your battles wisely is the best way to handle the situation.

you can try and build towards extra nights and holiday's as time goes on, if you are able to flexible it will probably work in both your favours to do this and then the odd ad hock nights can happen as well when needed.

Not every break up needs to end in court and battles over contact. I hope yours doesn't

I agree, 2 nights a week is a good start. If you go to court now to get it increased, your wife may dig her heels in and reduce contact further (as she has threatened) - accept the 2 nights for now, and 6 months down the line you could go for increased contact, and it's extremely unlikely that a court would then agree with any attempt by her to reduce the contact and every chance they may increase it.

Hi Lee,

How are things going?

Hi I'm Sarah, a consultant for Child Maintenance Options.

Sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time. Its sounds like you're concentrating on the welfare of your children first and foremost - which is a really good starting point. Hopefully by keeping this in mind, you can learn to co-parent together, even though you are no longer a couple.

In terms of continuing to support your children financially, its a good idea to think about how you're going to do this sooner rather than later - so your children don't miss out on what they need, and you can keep your payments manageable.

For most separated parents, the quickest easiest and most flexible way to sort out child maintenance is through a family-based arrangement. No-one else needs to get involved and you can agree between you how much you pay and when - and what counts as child maintenance. You can also change your arrangement as and when your circumstances change. Bear in mind however that this type of agreement is not legally binding.

The Child Maintenance Options service has lots of information about how to make a family-based arrangement work for you. You can also access free tools and guides to help you talk to your wife about child maintenance. This includes a free child maintenance calculator, which gives you an estimate of how much your payments would be through the CSA. You could use this as a starting point for your family-based arrangement.

By paying child maintenance regularly, hopefully this will help to keep things amicable with your wife - so she'll be more likely to be reasonable about contact with your children.

I hope this information is helpful. If you'd like to learn more, visit cmoptions.org, or call the Options team on 0800 988 0988 for a confidential chat.

Hi all.

Just an update where we are at this awful time. My wife wants to sell the house immediately however I have decided against this so I can get myself sorted out financially and mentally. She is putting pressure on me regarding this saying that she is going to get her solicitor to write to me and also request a court order to the sale of the property. She is pushing for a separation asap. However following advice from my solicitor I have every right not to be forced into the sale.
She now agrees that I can have the children 3 nights a week in a joint custody type of situation. However she wants to go through mediation as she wants in her favour 60/40. My solicitor said that she can not get that and her solicitor said 50/50 however through mediation she may get 60/40.
She has started to say that the children are being affected to I disagree completely. They are none of the wiser. She is also trying to say that I am showing 'unreasonable behaviour' and I believe this is what she will try next. She has threatened me with court order to sell the house. Anyone know much about this??

Thanks for you support

I'm pretty sure that she can get an order for the sale of the house - a court can't really force her to be the owner of a property if she doesn't want to be, so it's very likely that she would succeed in this respect. With regard to the mediation, I would say that you are best going for this, it sounds as though you aren't actually that far way from agreement anyway with regards to the difference between 60/40 and 50/50 - you can't be forced to come to an agreement in mediation, but if no agreement can be reached, then you would be going to court as the next step, where a court can and will determine the outcome. You would be better coming to an agreement with a bit of flexibility rather than both digging your heels in which will prolong the process and cost you both significantly in legal fees.

Hi mate,

Ive been thro it and can safely say, I have had a rough time finally settling the divorce in sept 2011. We ended up settling half way between what we both thought was reasonable but this was different from both our expectations. In the end the courts looked at what her needs were to house and look after the child and what my ability to pay it was.

I have had regular access and have still enjoyed our fulfilling father/daughter relationship until now when she has just dropped another bomb shell by saying she is moving to Jersey (see my forum listing titled DESPERATE Help!!!). We will see how this latest sargar unvailes.

Chris

Hi all.

Just a quick updat to where I am at at this awful time. But prior to this just a quick thank you for your comments/advice. I am really sorry to hear that Chris. I pray it all works out for you, keep us updated.

Ok, my wife has filed for legal seperation agreement and I have received the paperwork to show my finances etc. Not much has happened really other than that. But I have a few questions.

1, I have been advised that I may get legal aid, how can I find out if I can get this?
2, If I file for divorce, i believe that I have to pay, however what if she contests the grounds does she then have to pay?

I have a couple of other questions but I have forgot....am sure they will come to me!

Hi

I think that whoever files the papers would pay the court fee - whether this might be waived or reduced if you qualify for legal aid I'm not sure - ideally you need to get proper legal advice so it might be worth asking your solicitor if they can answer a few basic questions before the legal aid comes through.