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Hi all,
Firstly i am new to the site so i probably dont have this in the right section.
I have been seperated from my ex now for over 2 years and I have not seen my girls for 19 months.
My ex gets legal aid and she has told everyone that she will do everything to make sure i cannot see my girls ever again, she even used a different name for there school and moved house.
I could not afford a solicitor before and i have had to wait until this point because it is now 2 years and she cannot contest divorce. (This is 1 less thing for her to drag out and cost me)
My solicitor is £160 p/hour, last week she needed £500 from me to raise court proceedings. money which i managed to scramble together. but if the solicitor demands more in 1 big payment again, then i wont be able to pay it.
So basically i still cannot afford a solicitor and at some point i will need to take out a loan.
My dillema is that i met a girl, she is from Brazil. She has been here 3 times for 2 weeks and is now here for 6 months. The most amazing woman, she treats me good and respects me and genuinely cares for me.
We have talked about our future however I cannot have a life with her until this is all over as she can only get a fiance visa.
I know she will wait for me to get divorced and she always tells me to fight for my girls.
My issue is that, i dont know how long the court processes will go on for and how long i will be paying after its all done. All the time i have this debt then i wont be able to start my life with my new partner. And i would regret for the rest of my life if i let my partner go.
I have never really dealt with losing my girls. The method i use is to never think of them, which is very hard in itself and very wrong.
I always expect to wake up 1 day and just have a breakdown because i have this emotional issue that i have been avoiding for almost 2 years.
My parents have mentioned to me to just start a new life and not fight for the girls.
But i want to have my girls, i am scared that they will live thinking i have failed them.
I dont want my new partner or other people to think i gave up. Even though there are many days i want to.
I could instruct my solicitor today to tell my ex i wont see the girls again, get the divorce and start a new life and be happy.
But i am scared to cut that connection
After a rather emotional discussion with my parents i have decided to no longer pursue child access.
The uncertainty of cost and timescale, of the emotional effects to myself and the future of my current relationship is too great to risk when i know the personality of my ex.
What i mean is that even if i get a court order in my favour, i know it wont be the end of my troubles as my ex is constantly on all the single mum forums getting advice from like minded people who know the system.
I have been happy in my new relationship and this is what i need to concentrate on.
To some people it will seem selfish, but i would like you to know that giving up the 2 best things in your life is not selfish, dealing with the emotional result of making a decision you should never need to make is also not selfish.
I hope most of the poeple who read this can be stronger and pursue what they believe, and i hope you get a result and ending you deserve.
Although i made my decision before i could read any comments i am still gratefull i have somewhere that i can at least write my feelings.
Thank you
Hi there 🙂
As you've already made your decision there isnt a lot to say...I understand the emotions involved here, and although I do not judge you or your decision I fear that you will regret it in the future.
i dont know how old your girls are, or how close you were to them before you were denied contact, but what I do know is that they will be affected by not having their Dad in their life, and the older they get the more aware they will be that their Dad is missing. I cant imagine what my life would have been without my Dad in it, he was my world....he worked away and could be gone for months at a time but that didnt affect the love we had for each other. There is another member here ak57, she was denied contact with her dad at an early age and although she was reunited with him as an adult, she felt the loss of him in her life deeply.
There are many here that choose to self represent, the cost of applying for contact is £200 when you do it independently. There is lots of information and support here for all who decide to take this route.... if at any time you change your mind and decide to fight for the right to see your children, we'll be here. More importantly you would be fighting for you childrens right to have their Daddy back.
In case you havent thought of trying Mediation, heres a link to their website. Mediation can be successful and avoid the need to go to court.
www.nfm.org.uk
Best of luck whatever you decide 🙂
Thank you for your reply.
I understand every point you have made and these thoughts have been in my head everytime that i need to deal with this issue.
My solicitor suggested mediation but we received a reply from the solicitor of my ex that stated they dont want this and its not in the interest of my children that i be back in there life. then at the bottom a little note saying that if i contact my ex then they will get an interdict against me.
I have been made aware by my solicitor that the solicitor of my ex is one of the most awkward in the city and will drag things out for as long as they can as my ex is getting legal aid.
I just had to make a decision as to wether i can put my life on hold for an unlimited time knowing that things will always be hard, i will always be fighting because my ex made it clear she wants me out of her life completely and the only people getting hurt in the process will be me and my girls.
The girls will grow up always wondering. But from this day on i will too always be wondering if i did the right thing, how they are doing etc.
I li
I agree with NJ, I think it's something both you and your girls will come to regret. If you can't afford a solicitor, then consider representing yourself - at least you (and your girls) know you have tried as best you can - your ex is really saying it's best for her if you are not involved in your girls life, it certainly isn't best for them.
I make the assumption that you are in scotland, in which case, I'd have are word with the Scottish Child Law centere - www.sclc.org.uk - they are a free service, though you'll need to make them aware that you are currently (but maybe not much longer) represented by a solicitor.
If you are adamant on taking this course of action might I suggest that you get a keepsake box and put into it the letters from your ex that state it is her wish that you are no longer in their lives, and maybe a letter from you about how you have been made to feel and how you sometimes have to let go of the things you love the most. Maybe put in birthday cards for them both and the same at christmas....if they turn up when they are older you will have something tangible to share with them at that point, and they will see that you never forgot about them. I think this will help you to move on too.... 🙂
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