Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
4 years ago, my ex partner and I split up - My son was 20 months at the time. It was my decision to leave. I found somewhere to live less than a mile away and I have since remarried. I have seen my son every weekend from thurs-sat/sun every week since I left and both my wife and I absolutely adore and love him very very much. We have a very close bond with him and he is very attached/bonded with us both. I have frequently asked for extra time with him, which I have sometimes got, and sometimes not. He also has a Step-sister from my previous marriage who he is also very close to and my Dad who comes to see us every week when the kids are at my house.
My ex-partner, was understandably very upset and subsequently bitter about the break up and has been very difficult to deal with at some points. Lawyer's letters were exchanged at one point about the times I was allowed contact - basically only ever at weekends, even though I sometimes have to work nights at weekends. I wanted to have him sometimes during the week and I also requested we go to mediation which she refused to do. My son is now 6 and has come through things remarkably well, though he does lack confidence sometimes in social situations. My ex has now been in a relationship for about a year. Her boyfriend lives , around 100 miles away or a 2 hour drive from where we currently live. I have suspected for some time that she would be planning to move to where he is. He has two sons, 8yrs and 12 yrs from his previous marriage. She has now confirmed that in "about a year" she will be moving there with my son. I am absolutely devastated.
He has not yet even met the two sons of his Mother's boyfriend. None of us have any idea how they will feel and behave towards him. There are no other family members in the area she will be moving to. He will also have to start at a new school in a new area and as he is somewhat shy, I worry about the stress this will cause him. I will only be able to see him from a Friday evening with a 2 hour drive to get there and a 2 hour drive back, using the M6 which at weekends is frequently problematic so most of Friday evening will be lost to travelling and then the same will have to happen on Sundays. In my opinion, the move only benefits my Ex as she gets to be with her boyfriend. He isn't moving anywhere so his contact with his children will be unaffected.
Is there anything I can do about this? I cannot see how this benefits anybody's welfare other than that of my ex partner. It is removing my son from his school and from the place he has grown up him. It is removing him from a family set up which although unorthodox, has been constant and loving on our part. He will have reduced contact with me and his other family members. I genunely do not believe this is in his interest at all.
I agree with you but unfortunately it appears that more often than not the mother is allowed to dictate in this way. As long as she isn't moving to another country and that includes Scotland.
You can try to get it stopped through the courts but unless you can prove she is doing it to disrupt contact then your chances are slim. Moving because of her developing relationship would be seen as an acceptable reason to move.
Mediation would be a good idea, you could at least get all of your concerns out in the open. Perhaps if you go to mediation and allow them to invite her to attend she might reconsider as it will be a formal request. If she refuses you would at least be issued with the form FM1 which you would need if you were to take it to court.
Here's a link to the mediation service
www.nfm.org.uk
Here's a link to the legal aid calculator as this is still available for mediation
www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid
Thank you very much for responding. I suspected that I would have little or no rights to change anything. Mediation may be worth a go - she refused it last time when we were in conflict about the times I was allowed to see him so I suspect she will do the same again, but as you say, at least I would then have that refusal in writing.
I feel very powerless in this situation. I am desperately sad and upset about him moving away. I also know that she will enjoy the fact that it hurts me. It seems wrong to me that she is able to cause such a radical change in his life, let alone mine, but I can't seem to do anything to stop it. I have done my absolute best to be a good father to him in quite difficult circumstances, I have a wonderful bond and attachement with him and I have seen him every week and paid maintenance without fail. I would have seen him more but she wouldn't allow me to change the days of access either.
I understand completely.....it's so unfair. I would just keep a close eye on the situation. The fact that he hasn't met the Bfs children could be something to work on. It's important that if the move goes ahead your sons needs are addressed properly.
If she refuses mediation you could write to her with a list of your concerns and ask for reassurances that the move will be done sensitively with your sons best interests at the forefront. That he has a chance to get to know the other children before the move and that you are involved with the choice of a new school.
As the move approaches, if you feel that his needs aren't being met or he is displaying anxiety then you would still be able to apply for an emergency Prohibited Steps Order or possibly a Specific Issue Order to try and prevent the move. It might not stop it ultimately but it would certainly delay it.
At least you have a year before the move takes place and can try and make sure that if it goes ahead you can be as involved in the process as possible. You shouldn't discount court if when the time comes you feel that it's not right for him.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.