[Solved] On that road to foreverness

Hi , welcome to the forum. You will get support and advise and lots of understanding. There are lots of Dads on here that have been through and still are, the control and heart ache you are going through. Your ex is using your children as weapons against you, she sounds like a women who is scorned. It sounds to me she is angry over the break up and to move closer to you sounds like she isn't over you. The children are the only way she can make you suffer, this is frowned upon in court as the children are entitled to both parents. Read the Children Act 1989 - Legislation.gov.uk

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/contents This will give you an insight to what the courts adhere to and help you prepare

Start a diary , keep it to the point, dates times what happened , what action, for example the police coming round.
When did you apply for legal aid as legal aid is no longer given for family cases. You can speed the whole thing up by doing it your self, there is a great sticky at the top of the legal section telling you in great detail how to do this. Courts are now really pushing for mediation and you can still get this on legal aid if you are unwaged or at a reduced rate the
www.nfm.org.uk
I found these to be the cheapest ones as they charge by how much you earn. When you go to court I can pretty much guarantee they will order you both to go to mediation, so start the ball rolling, if she refuses to go it will be foolish . You make an appointment with your nearest mediation group you get invited in to a assessment meeting this takes about an hour and a half, you tell you side of the story be honest and open, as you can bet your ex will be only to glad to tell all. your ex will then me invited in to tell her side, you then have joint meetings, go to the joint meetings with a clear idea what contact you would like . Are you paying maintenance ? as maintenance and seeing your children two different things, if you are not paying I suggest you start .Mediation is the way forward , remember the longer the solicitor can drag this out the more they get paid .

Hi ak57.

Mediation has already been attended, she made a point that my children don't wish to see me on their own. The mediator asked if I were able to visit them at their nannas house, I agreed and she declined because it isn't right to drag innocents aboard. The mediator asked if the children could be assesed I agreed she declined.

The mediator suggested a land of play center to which she agreed instantly (the ex was to be there during contact) again my only wish to see my kids on their own and they couldn't managae that. I felt bullied in mediation she got everything she wanted. I got nothing but to pay for these sessions!.

We attended the first session, it was awkward to say the least we sat at diffrent tables and of course the kids are at land of play. They want to play and eat and drink, it was good to see the kids but there was no one to one. She came out smiling because she was happy playing happy families and I was £40 out of pocket.

The report that was done from mediation seemed to be lies or in her favour. The ex even agreed over email that it was wrong.

I have been paying through the csa, and anything else on top I keep the receipts. I emailed my solicitor last night and I think if it seems way off I may go alone.

Just to add at the point of mediation I wanted just a few hours each weekend at contact center to break in and have the kids comfortable around me again. The mediator tells me it takes to long to set up and the ex says no to contact center.

Hi , did the mediator sign the fm1 form to say you had been and did your ex allow say she would allow this to go to court.
Your point of saying she was happy playing happy familes , strikes me like I said before she asnt let go of you . You need to play clever and agree to any contact she offers , even if it is in the house or at a play centre , this is so you keep contact going with your children. Then send the c100 off to the court for a defined contact order it will cost you £200 , we got a date within 5 weeks, if she then stops all contact becuse she as been served papers to go to court then this will look bad on her as why give contact then take it away, she wants control of you via your children. Not all mediators are great , you can try another one.

Hi All,

Time went pretty quick for the most part, i kept my head down at work and spent long days there it helped a little.

Anyway im at my first hearing monday and was hoping i could get a few pointers, i will be self repping and the closer it gets the more my stomach goes. Got my cafcass report the other day and she still pushing the drugs/drink, added domestic violence and that i ignore my children when i pass in the street.

Ive been trawling over a 1000 emails these past couple of days and pulled out a 2 page convo on her opinion of cafcass. How she will up and run if they get involved. They wont be asking her children anything in school no matter 'how good they do it'.

I also got one where it starts out fine and turns into her hinting that im nice to her when my partner isnt around and angry when she is. And she implys that ive been having secret converstaions with her that my partner wont know about. That last one is the reason i dont wish to be around her as she has a habit of throwing things into conversation that may allow another person to think ive been upto no good.

I have one of her pretty much admitting verballly abusing me while im trying to say hi to the children. she was at the bus stop and i was stuck in traffic opposite.

I will be taking the cafcass convo but what about the other two?. I don't want to come across as someone looking to add to the situation and not putting the children first. Also i asked my manager for a character reference as she states im not alcohol dependant but i drink every day. Yet i work 40+ hours a week and already about to be promoted just 9 month into a new job.

All advice greatly received.

Thanks.

Hey Bro,

I'm no expert in these matters, but thought I'd let you know that you aren't alone in what you are facing. I hear you when you say you are really nervous about your first hearing. I had my first directions hearing for contact about 12 days ago. And the night before the hearing I was 260 miles from home, alone in a Travelodge room, and believe me I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I really questioned myself on whether I had the strength to go into that court room, and go before the judge and set out my case. But I did it, on my own, and came away with some supervised contact so start with. So no matter how low you may feel, or how nervous, dig deep and you will be ok I'm sure.

My ex doesn't seem as volatile as yours, but I'm still having allegations of violence and abuse hurled my way, so we have that in common. From what you say, she is really trying make your life difficult, especially with all the nuisance calls and trouble she is directing your way.

What I found really helpful in my case was to have a position statement ready to provide to the judge before the hearing. Being prepared is crucial to your success, and I found it really helped me get my situation across to the judge, so he knew exactly what was going on and why I was seeking contact. When I got the court in the morning, I handed the usher two copies of the position statement - one for the judge, and one for the ex's solicitor. By the time I got into see the judge he had read the statement, and pretty much did all the talking. I really didn't have to say much at all.

Really, a position statement is a brief outline of the background to your case, any concerns you have, and what you would like the court to do. Should be about 2-3 pages of A4 maximum. Keep it brief.

So in mine I set out briefly when the relationship with the ex had ended, that she was not being reasonable with contact arrangements, cancelling agreed contact visits e.t.c. Just summarise what has happened that has led you to make your application. Tell the court what your concerns are regarding the problems with establishing a regular and set pattern of contact. Lastly you can let the court know what you want them to do i.e what contact do you want. Perhaps propose a contact schedule.

Of course, keep everything child focused, and avoid at all costs making your statement seem like an attack on the ex. Of course, what she is doing is hurtful to you, but rise above it, make the statement about your children and why them having regular and guaranteed contact with you is in their best interests, and you won't go wrong. Courts aren't interested (from what I'm told) in bickering mothers and fathers. Be calm and controlled.

In your situation it really seems to me that your ex is fueling a situation where the kids are stuck in the middle of a conflict of her making. That isn't in the kids best interests and certainly you need to tell the court that you want to work together with your ex as parents to minimise conflict for the good of the kids. Be the one proposing solutions to the problem. Your ex is the one making the problems.

In my statement I made a point to deny the allegations that were written up in the cafcass report. I didn't want there to be any viewpoint that I had accepted them. So yes, certainly point out the allegations against you are false if you believe they are.

In court.....solicitors will say things that sometimes may annoy or upset you, but again, rise above it. The solicitor representing my ex made comments about me that I didn't like, but I didn't retaliate. I just stuck to my plan of being calm, composed, and focused on my son. She even at one point tried to tell the judge I could only afford to see my son once a month. At that point I did speak up, but politely, and asked her not to put words in my mouth or make assumptions about my finances - something she had no knowledge of. So yeah, stick up for yourself if you need to, but don't come across as aggressive or anything like that.

Also, if you have a position statement ready to go on Monday, it will help you in court, because all your ideas and thoughts are summarised on a couple of pieces of paper in front of you, and is easy to refer to if you need it.

I can send you a template position statement if you want, PM me. In the mean time, I will see if I can find a link to where I originally got my template from, and will post it up here. Or if someone else has it, then please post it up 🙂

I can't think of much else right now. But hope you can take something positive from my situation and use it to help you in yours. Any questions, I will try and help you further.

Good luck for monday.

Thanks for the post it helps knowing that were not always alone.

The template you speak of would be great i will PM you now. I am working on a statement but i keep finding myself going of track and turning it into a defence statement if you like.

Just been and attended the first hearing and due to mum saying the kids don't wish to see me they have ordered an s7 report and also now stopped all contact direct and indirect. Even tho i only left presents and cards at the house and never actually had contact this is yet another blow to me where the children wont even recognise a card or present left for them from me. I will miss christmas and my sons 4th birthday while waiting on the report and directions hearing.

I'm sorry to hear they've stopped all contact but it is only in the interim and it will be precautionary...I know that's not much consolation though.

Here's a link to the template for a position statement

www.thecustodyminefield.com/Factsheets/TCMStatementTemplate.doc

Hi Mojo,

Thanks for the link i did find that exact template and spent my whole sunday on a position statement. i did present it to them but they wern't interested in it just yet.

Im going to do some searching around and try study some of this family law.

I contacted Cafcass by email last week informing them i am concerned that they are 9 week in to a 12 week report and i have not heard anything from them. I received a reply from the first officer i met at court with my current officer cc'd in the email who informs me i will be contacted before the week is out.
I got a call last friday stating that basically the report is behind, a date couldnt be set for my visit and by sounds of it there is no S7 report yet.

I am about to ring for an appointment but was wondering what i could do about the court date being pushed back. Which is what was suggested last week, now im very eager to see my boys and have this episode behind me as it is causing alot of stress on my behalf.

Anyone else had a date pushed back by Cafcass if so any suggestions before i ring the officer?. 🙂

Just my 2p worth (and others with more experience of this may have better ideas) but I'd ring the court and ask them if they have a suggestion - if you aren't paying for a solicitor, then it will cost you no more to go to court this time and ask the judge for interim contact until the report is completed.

I have since been in contact with the officer and the visit is set for today at noon! Just received a phonecall saying it will be 1 o clock now. How does someone put trust in these people who don't seem too bothered?. All i seem to experiance is rushed reports that are clearly not proofed, no communication and now unable to keep appointments. I know if this came from me it would be assumed i have a lack of interest.

Here's to hoping of a smoother ride from now on.

Well i have come back to the computer feeling alot more positive than i did before i left.

Cafcas officer seemed surprised at some of the things that we spoke about. First off she mentioned that the previous desicion of no contact direct or in direct was errrr inappropriate and i should be writing to someone about that desicion. This is also being taken back to the manager and questioned by herself.

As my current partner has been through a cafcas safeguarding report just the back end of last year this will speed up the process. However she has seen our copy and everything seemed fine. When cafcas visit the ex she said that she will be making her aware that this is damaging the children and maybe to try get us to sit down with her and sort something out.

At the min it all falls down to what is mentioned when she visit's the ex but she doesn't feel the need to assertain the wishes and feelings of the children.

There was interest taken in the email print out regarding her views of cafcas and the officer describes it as blackmail. I hopefully reinforced her with a sterling personal statement from my manager that despite the allegations i am not an alcoholic or drug abuser.

Hopefully i hear something back and we can end this in a good way!

Thank you all for the support i will report back in due course

Glad that went well for you 🙂

UPDATE

So received a phonecall off cafcas friday evening as they had been speaking to the children in school. The 2 eldest are very angry at my absence and things beyond my control ie last christmas where contact was not allowed and an issue with a birthday present!. The eldest has expressed that he wishes to see me.

Cafcas see no point in a wishes and feelings report infact she said a quick email to the courts will suffice??. I am to go and sit down tomorrow (Monday) with cafcas and the ex and agree on a contact plan to put forward to the court. From what i gathered in the short call there will be no drug/alcohol tests no contact center no supervised visits recommended just straight up contact to start an hour a week and build up to overnight!.

So after 2 years of pain hurt and no contact with my children may have come to an end it seems, all it took was one morning of straight talking with cafcas and all the middle ground cut out.

I felt relief when i heard the news then i felt anger at the fact what cafcas achieved in one morning i tried over 2 years. I think with a little more push from mediation this could have been achieved alot sooner. I felt mediation sided with her at the time which is why it only lasted one session.

All in all a good turn around as i know alot of the accusations were simply time delay tactics. Im glad cafcas seen through this and it turned out in my favour!. Having endlessly trawling the interwebs reading about peoples dealings with cafcas i was nervous to say the least. Obviously my views have changed and i couldnt of asked for a better officer, so to all you dads out there going through these difficult times my advice is to have faith turn them low feelings into determination, read up as much as possible and stay between the lines. 🙂

good news mate...am glad things are finally progressing for you.

personally I would push for more than 1hr a week - given the time taken & for children's best interest is for their father to be involved much more...

as soon as you see your children - anger, pain, hurt will subside - cherish the moments.

Just got back and to cut a long story short i will be having alternate weekends in less than 3 months. 🙂

That's great news, well done!

Just got back and to cut a long story short i will be having alternate weekends in less than 3 months. 🙂

SUPER NEWS !!!

Will you now be changing your forum ID to reflect how you feel? 😀