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Hi there.
This is on behalf of my partner who is in the process of divorcing her husband.
She now lives with me, her two children (boys aged 17 & 19) live with their dad and do not speak to their mum as their dad has twisted things so that they now hate her.
Anyway, that's by the by.
My partner texts and emails her husband to ask how the boys are. She cannot go to the house to see them as she gets hounded out and they are abusive to her, threatening her with violence!
She cannot bear to ring her husband as whenever she does, he begs and pleads for her to go home for the sake of the boys.
She wanted them to leave with her, but when they discovered I was involved they kicked off on her and stayed with their dad, who for years has been mentally abusive to my partner.
So she texts and emails and asks how the boys are, how school and work is and if they want anything like clothes, money etc.
He has now stopped responding completely.
In one instance, he never even informed her that her younger son (16 at the time) had gone for a major operation and was under general anaesthetic! She found out by accident. When she confronted her husband he wouldn't even tell her what hospital he was in.
So what are her rights? Is he legally obliged to inform her of the boys welfare if he asks?
It's a very complicated situation, her husband has played a blinder in ensuring the boys hate their mum, despite the years of abuse she put up with to try and keep the family together.
Thank you
Hi
If the children were younger she would have been able to go to court and get a contact order but I’m afraid at this age its very unlikely, After the age of 18 children are adults and they would involve cafcass the court welfare workers and the 17 year old would be asked if he wanted to see her, and all this takes a long time so he might be 18 before it goes to court.
How long as it been since she left and I’m presuming you were known to the family. Sometimes it’s just a matter of time to allow things to settle. She will have parental responsibility for the 17 year old and could approach the school and ask for up dates.
In time they will understand why she left and you can build bridges. Maybe she could send them vouchers from there favourite shops, she wont get a Thank you yet but its a small way of staying in touch or she could transfer some money into there bank accounts. As they have stopped with their Dad it could mean she is liable for maintanance and if the x is scorned and wants her back he will try to hurt any way he can, so be careful
Hi there 🙂
Theres obviously a lot of hurt here, for everyone concerned... and as ak57 has said its going to take time.
The boys will be feeling hurt because there is a new man in their mums life. Their dad is hurting and they will want to protect him, showing their loyalty by pushing their mum away is one way of doing this....He may well have twisted things but the boys are old enough to make their own minds up, however I feel they will eventually come round.
The eldest boy works so he is classed as an adult, there is no legal right over him....the younger boy is over 16 and again its really up to him whether his mother is involved in his life.
All your partner can do is continue to communicate with them and hope that eventually they will respond to her.
I agree - in fact as far as I am aware, except in exceptional circumstances, the courts don't generally make contact orders concerning children beyond the age of 16.
She could try writing letters - may take a few before they start to read them, but for the cost of a stamp and a bit of time, it's worth a go.
Thanks for your responses.
My partner has received a text from her husband this morning. First reply from him in a week.
It read.. "the boys have told me not to tell you anything about how they are. Can I ask that we do not do anything with solicitors until after has finished his exams as it will cause him upset."
Well. Firstly, my partner has already filed for divorce and he should be hearing very soon from her solicitor.
Secondly, the upset the 17 y/o has received has all been down to his dad and the things he's told him.
He's living in the marital home with an equity of around 190k. He has a very good pension that pays him 100k on retirement plus a monthly income. He has a few thousand stashed in various savings and policies. He moved the balance in their joint account to one in his soul name. My partner came away with the car that she had in her own name, which she part-exed and put 4k of her own money towards a new one. He is now demanding half the value of her new car. Worse, he has told the sons about it, and they are texting her abuse telling her to repay their dad.
Honestly, he's a horrible man. It's a shame he can't be punished for the trouble he has caused.
Hi there,
Wont your partner be entitled to a share of the savings, pension and equity in the house in the divorce settlement? The kids aside, she has been in and contributed in her marriage for a good number of years and even though she is the one that left, she must have an entitlement to half or a good portion anyway.
He has lost his wife and the kids their mother, and to another man... I think you can say that he's suffering and is feeling pretty punished.
I'm not judging here, this is just my observation as a neutral party.... there are no winners in a situation like this.
He is wrong to involve the boys in the way he has, but I can understand it...hes hurt and wants to hurt back. Things are unlikely to settle until the divorce is finalised and the dust from that has settled. At least you have each other and you will be there to help her through all of this. I can appreciate you just want to make everything better for her but realistically thats just not possible in the circumstances, its going to take time.
I would ignore the "leave it until after the exams" - there is nothing to stop him coming to an amicable arrangement to avoid any open conflict.
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