Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: We are not open to new posts at this time
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
My fiancee has an ex that has been physically abusive to her, a previous girlfriend (we have a letter stating that he kicked her until she lost her baby) and now with his current girlfriend. He has never paid a penny to my partner in the 6 years that they have been apart but she has allowed him to see their daughter (now 8) whenever he wanted - usually every other week. He lives 70 miles away. The CSA have now finally caught up with him and are deducting money from his wages. This weekend she has had abusive text messages from him and his new girlfriend. My partner is afraid for him to have her daughter this weekend incase he doesnt return her. He is already moaning about the petrol to pick her up/bring her home. My partner has had reservations about her daughter going to visit her dad because of the abuse although she is sure that he will not hurt the little girl but does not want her witnessing anything, but her daughter loves her dad!.....any advice as to where she goes from here? she is very afraid of him as hes unpredictable.
Firstly, just in case you aren't already, keep all texts and messages (including any that aren't abusive etc - you need a complete picture if it goes to court, not just the bits you are worried about). Write down the texts, in case your phone doesn't keep them indefinitely, including date & time.
Secondly, you say that she is concerned that her ex won't return her daughter - is there any particular reason that she has this concern now since contact has happened OK until now?
(With regards to him 'grumbling' about the cost of petrol etc - the CSSA should already have taken travelling costs into account with the deduction, so he should have no reason to grumble)
As to the practical aspects, if there is a good reason that you think she shouldn't have visiting contact, then you can apply to court for a contact order putting restrictions in place - possibly supervised contact - you should look at mediation first, at which point your fiancee could express her concerns. I think it would be reasonable to restrict contact while these proceedings are taking place, as long as you notify her ex that this is what you are doing.
If you are concerned about any danger, you could try to speak to your local Police Domestic Violence officer for his advice. You also need to talk to your fiancees daughter so that she has strategies for feeling safe - what would she do if she felt in danger, who would she contact and how? And possibly use a code of some sort if she doesn't feel safe (eg, saying send kisses to a favourite teddy is she doesn't feel safe). These things are best worked out in advance, hopefully they'll never be needed. Also, does she have a mobile phone? If so, you could register it with something like www.followus.co.uk - this allows you to locate a registered mobile phone (accuracy is dependant on number of masts nearby) so you know she's roughly where you expect her to be.
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
