[Solved] phone

Hi Andy 🙂

I know you have been trying hard to maintain a relationship with your children and I'm sorry things aren't going too well.

I get the sense that the arrival of your new baby changed things. It sounds to me that the mother is alienating the children from you and has probably used the baby as a means to influence them against you...she may have indicated that they have been replaced. This is borne out by the children's reaction after the maintenance was reduced....they shouldn't even have been aware of the financial side of things... but it seems too much of a coincidence that your son had such a negative outburst towards you just after the reduction in maintenance.

As mediation has failed then the only other option open to you is to apply the courts. I understand this is the last thing you want to do and there are no guarantees that it will make things easier between you and your children. If there is Parental Alienation being used, it's likely to continue regardless of court proceedings. It might be a good idea to do some research about PA, it might help you to,understand what you are up against.

thakyou for your reply, wil have a look at PA as you suggest.

another question . will be many more lol

do I use a solicitor for near myself and then they appoint someone nearer or do I just find one up there first off. anyone recommend one near Scunthorpe

Lugo,

I don't want to sound harsh but I can understand your son not wanting to speak to you if your not prepared to go and see him, from his point you are giving the new baby all the attention and he is getting none.

I'm not currently seeing my child, if I was told I could see him even if it was for an hour but I would have to travel 200 odd miles I would do it, even if it meant I had to walk it I would!! I would do anything to see my children on fathers day. But to me it looks like you wasn't bothered as obviously you saw your baby.

Sorry to sound harsh but I think you need to think about how your children are feeling, there may well be some PA going on but it could possible be that the children themselves have picked up on how new baby gets all of daddys attention yet they get none as your unwilling to travel to see them. Children see the world different to how us adults view it.

If you get the chance to see them for an hour then take it, the following week it could be two hours then 3 hours etc and then eventually you will get to have them at weekends etc.

I'm not sure of your background but looks as if you don't really need to go to court, you just need to try harder and treat all of your kids the same. If you go to court then your children will have a say in if they want to see you, if they turn around and say no I don't want to see him cos he doesn't make the effort to come and see us and he only cares about baby how is that gonna make you feel?

Put in the effort before it too late.

Solicitors are going to cost a fortune! Have you considered self representing? There's plenty of information about it on here, have a look at the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section.

If you are going to use a solicitor it will be better to use one local to you as you will need to meet to discuss the case prior to court... Bear in mind that contact will most likely be stopped altogether once she is served with the court papers.

I think Dec has judged you rather harshly but I can understand why he is saying it.... Court should always be a last resort.

Solicitors are going to cost a fortune! Have you considered self representing? There's plenty of information about it on here, have a look at the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section.

If you are going to use a solicitor it will be better to use one local to you as you will need to meet to discuss the case prior to court... Bear in mind that contact will most likely be stopped altogether once she is served with the court papers.

I think Dec has judged you rather harshly but I can understand why he is saying it.... Court should always be a last resort.

I must apologise I just think before court etc that a father should try everything before going down that route. It looks as if his son has given him chances but he hasn't took them chances so I don't understand talking about court in this instance. Grasp every opportunity, Jump through every hoop and then if having done that things haven't been sorted out then go to court. Going to court is a horrible experience, very stressful, things get brought up and twisted etc and I would advise everyone to try and make it work before starting the court process.

I would say before going through the court process it would be helpful to have the kids on your side.

Dec whilst I sympathise completely with your own struggle I don't think it's helpful to make sweeping judgements of others that have also come here for support.

There are probably many layers to Lugos story that he hasn't shared with us...I always think its helpful to read someone's previous posts to try and get a better picture of their situation, not everyone is able to open up and reveal as much as you have, but that doesn't mean that their situation is less complex or distressing.

Lugos children are still quite young and there is a strong possibility that their mother is trying to alienate them from their father. The impact of this is far reaching and often near impossible for a long distance father to deal with. I'm sure that Lugo has made the effort to get his relationship with his children back on track....and in an ideal world it would be helpful to have the kids on side, but you only have to read about others experiences on here to know that it isn't always possible.

I completely agree that court is all the awful things you say it is, but sometimes there is no alternative...if mediation has failed and the children are growing further and further away from you, there are no other options. At least if a father has fought to see his kids in every way possible, then at some point in the future, when the children are older they will see that he never gave up and that will be important to them.

We don't know Lugos financial situation, or his work commitments, or how many hoops he may have already jumped through. What we do know is that he is feeling low enough to have sought our support and advice...just as you have.

this has been going on before my new little one arrived, and they have met her and I made a lot more fuss of them than her when together, other times she stayed with family. over last 8-9 months when spending time with them we have had a great time but as soon as its time to take them home they change and are withdrawn. I think they dont want there mother to see they have had a good time. even when talkin on phone I can tell if she is in room by there reaction.
all this screams PA to me.
nannyjane, have thought about representing myself but really don't know if I could !!

There are lots of Dads here that are representing themselves and some have got further this way than when they were paying huge amounts to solicitors and getting nowhere!

Have a read of the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, there are two about self repping and one about the C100 form, which is the form you would need to submit to the court to apply for a contact order. You would need to get the form FM1 from the mediator and you would send that in with the C100 form.

If you decide to take this route you will get lots of advice and support from the members here, we will all do what we can to support you through it...

this has been going on before my new little one arrived, and they have met her and I made a lot more fuss of them than her when together, other times she stayed with family. over last 8-9 months when spending time with them we have had a great time but as soon as its time to take them home they change and are withdrawn. I think they dont want there mother to see they have had a good time. even when talkin on phone I can tell if she is in room by there reaction.
all this screams PA to me.
nannyjane, have thought about representing myself but really don't know if I could !!

Hi Lugo,

I must apoligise, I may have taken things a bit out of context. Just keep on trying and any chances you get try and take them.

As for PA you need to be very careful, once your ex partner learns you have started proceedings then the PA could get far far worse. Really try to do everything you possibly can to avoid court.

I started off representing myself (despite being entitled to legal aid) I think I did OK (make sure you go suited and booted) and with a folder containing all your evidence etc.

I was caught out by a few things, first off my ex had arrived before me and stolen a room reserved for me, next off when I went to speak to cafcass her solicitor told the ushers we was ready to go into court and then 5 mins into my meeting with cafcass we was duly called into court.

As I was about to enter the court room her solicitor stopped me and said no you wait here were going in first I will call you in when were ready, what was said then in that court room I do not know.

It was then that I realised I was up against a solicitor that would play dirty so I felt I needed to get a solicitor, plus the fact I found the ex solicitor would not reply to any correspondence with myself.

Hope my experiences can help you to avoid those situations.

hi dec , no worries. not one to take offence. think we all in same boat and any advice and help is very much welcome. even your criticism has its plus side. a reminder to look at things from both sides, which I do during the sleepless nights.
so glad I found this forum.

hi dec , no worries. not one to take offence. think we all in same boat and any advice and help is very much welcome. even your criticism has its plus side. a reminder to look at things from both sides, which I do during the sleepless nights.
so glad I found this forum.

I think sometimes it's good to see what someone on the outside thinks, I personally dislike it when someone agrees with everything I say, i want them to challenge me as that helps me more when I have to go up in court etc, it prepares me better.

All us fathers have different situations but we all share the same difficulties and hurt, sleepless nights etc we have all had them. At times i've gone days without sleep, sometimes I have been scared to sleep as I have dreams where I can, feel, smell and touch my child. Those are the worst dreams to have.

What I suggest is to try and live a normal life, look after yourself making sure your eating and washing etc and most importantly keep busy! Sometimes this process can drive anyone crazy, sometimes the frustrations really get to me.

What I try to do is if I have paperwork etc that needs doing regarding the proceedings I dedicate a couple of hours to that, the rest of the day I try and forget about it and get on with life for the time being, but truth is it will never be far from my mind. It's been over a year since I seen my child, although it never gets easier and the hurt never gets better (it gets worse) you do learn to deal with it better. a lot like grief really.

Just keep strong and if you ever have any frustrations come on here and let them out.

Lugo, this is probably more difficult for you because you have a young child at home, but when my children lived with their mother, I used to travel around 400 miles every alternate weekend to see them. On one occasion though, my daughter was in a school play, which my ex couldn't be bothered to walk round the corner to go to watch, so I arranged that I would go, which involved hiring a car (mine was off the road at the time), driving up to watch her in the play, spend about 20 minutes with her afterwards, and then drive back again - it may have been a brief visit for a 400 mile journey, but it was so worth it for both of us. It's sometimes a matter of simply showing children just how important they are to you - that can make all of the difference, and will go a long way to getting them to realise that what your ex is telling them is a load of bull.

thanks for your replies, a lot of reading and a decisions to make gonna be a long ride.