[Solved] Queries about the rights of Ex's new boyfriend

hi

The simple answer is that you have parental reponsibility, and your ex's partner doesn't. The rules for parental responsibility are here:

m.direct.gov.uk/syndicationController?action=view&param=DG_4002954&utn=7031c3e139034091b1c6201111141859

However, as you are finding, it's not as simple as who has parental responsibility, because as your ex's boyfriend presumably lives with your ex, he does need to have some authority in the house otherwise it could lead to anarchy. It's unfortunate that your ex and he are using this as an opportunity to have a go at you, but the problem is that if he and your ex agree on something, then he is almost irrelevant anyway as it comes down to a difference of opinion between you and your ex. In the case you've cited, the question is whether he persuaded your daughter, or whether he put any undue pressure on her - if it was the former, then I don't think it's unreasonable, if it was the latter, then I'd have a word with the school and ask them to keep you informed of anything untoward. Either way, I think it might be worth having a quiet word with the school to remind them that you have parental responsibility and he doesn't.

The other problem you have is that the situation is adding considerably to your stress levels, and the fact that you are powerless to act in a lot of cases is making it worse still. Practically, there are limits as to what you can do about the whole situation, so it may be a matter of choosing your 'battles' carefully, and talking to your children so that they know they have your full support, and that if there is anything they really feel they are being pressured into, that they should tell you and you will do all you can to help them. It would be worth, if possible, trying to resolve the matter with your ex, but from the sound of what you have said, that doesn't look as though it's going to be a practical proposition.

You did also mention that you are in a bit of a mess financially, we do have the services of the CCCS available if there any specific problems you have - there's a thread devoted to questions if you want to post one, or you can contact them directly.

Hi cloud_strife,

actd has given good advice there 🙂

I would completely disagree with his attitude of badmouthing you toward your children. This is not acceptable at all... i would ask yourself the question have you done anything or not done anything that could lead to his attitude?

Can i ask what level of contact with your children do you have? Do you and your wife have an agreement as to when contact is taking place?

It is certainly a tricky situation, i'm sure i would be likely to find myself in that situation in some years time. On the other point i'd be a lot less reserved than yourself... i would not take kindly to my ex's new partner being involved in parents evenings. But we each have our own interpretations.

As a side note if you are on medication for depression... have you thought to looking in to joining a gym? Getting active and staying active is in my opinion much more beneficial than medication.

HI actd and Yoji,

Thanks for both your replies. It's good to have independent feedback and perspective on things as they can get to flashpoint when just spiralling round your own head!!

The sad thing is that this new boyfriend was much more down to earth than the first guy and he really seemed to have the best interests of the children at heart. I read alot of info on step parents to try to understand his position and I get that it must be alot for him to take on. However, I think that one of the root problems is that my ex seems desperate for her new guy to take over the father role completely and she's most likely strongly encouraged this. She has been very good at painting me as a bad father and husband from the moment she left and I suppose some of this is her wanting to believe this is true for her own justification.
Upshot is he turned on me pretty quick and seems to like the sound of his own opinion. As does anyone really 🙂
First parents evening he went to was the first time she 'forgot' to let me know about it and I did get pretty territorial when I found out but I ended up looking like the bad guy who couldn't adapt. So I told the schools that I needed separate appointments and letters since then and then the next one they actually forgot to book and both gatecrashed my appointment!! It was soo awkward and when I made issue afterwards they said I was completely over-reacting.
Then I hear from the girls that he'd said I had no right getting involved in that issue!!
Anyways, that's how it goes. My ex is so volatile I do definitely have to choose my battles. but with the recent decline in my mental health -when they found out about that they have definitely ramped up the pressure and shannanigans. Like I said before it's very incidious and hard to give examples of but even her own family, whom I'm still close to, have commented that they are beig totally out of order- to which she accuses me of turning them against her!

I'll definitely check out that link with the parental responsibilities. And I know I need to give a certain amount of slack but want something I can just show or say to them, hey- this is how it should be so don't take the mick.
As far as contact goes- I see them 3 out of 7 days a week which is awesome I know. It's just recently they are so down when they come over and from what they say they are being bombared with anti-dad propaganda which is making them sad. I never pry this info out of them I hasten to add. It just seems to be weighing heavy on their minds the poor things.

As far as the meds go- they seem to be [censored] so far. I've always been active. like running. Was just desperate. I think that stress is a major trigger-so I guess if I can resolve some of this stuff then I will be a certain amount better!

Also many thanks for the finance tip. will check out that info on the site now 🙂 I think it'll pick up. just sloooow in building!

Well, thanks again for your helpfulness. It actually just helps getting alot of my feelings down on 'paper'!

Hi CS

Glad it's helped. I think you need to make sure you are taking good care of your own health first and foremost, as everything else is dependant on that. Keep posting on here, you'll get plenty of support.