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Brief bullet point history.
We broke up.
Then informed of pregnancy 2 months later.
Thought long and hard and decided i wanted a proper father role.
I set up my house and bought everything I needed. (currently and depressingly going to waste)
She hides a 16 week scan from me.
Im stopped from being at the birth
Im stopped from seeing my newborn sons on the day theyre born
I was 'allowed' them for 6 hours in two weeks paternity availibility.
At some point she has gone behind my back and done birth cert. after we agreed to go together, omitting my name and not putting my surname as theirs (quite obviously the reason for going alone)
Our agreed 3 days a fortnight has turned into "Any day you want them but not overnight" (sounds suspiciously like a quote from "How to get more maintenance") and also fails to suit me as I live 80 miles away. Also its not anyday, its usually a choice of 2 days out of a week.
I've kept up my fortnightly round trip but as I cant have them overnight, the trip only lasts 8hours with my sons.
CSA called me out of the blue this week, she has decided to go straight to them and organise finance before sorting out contact.
Im very willing to pay, but Im not willing to pay more than what I should due to the fact i have LESS time with them than was agreed.
They are just 15 weeks and I have to miss out on a [censored] of a lot, I feel if women were heavily affected on such a massive scale, eg in the workplace, there would be an uproar and right would (oh no, have) become more equal.
1. Can CSA take money forcibly whilst other issues are being sorted or can you instruct them to wait until custody/contact are sorted (whilst realising payments would be backdated). It seems wrong to overcharge a parent, as it could lead to less finance for the petrol/clothing/care of the child whilst in my care and could even make it occur that it was impossible to see them instead of arranging more care of them and less money going the other way. I may be very naive but it seems to me that a dad who sees his children is of greater benefit than a dad who doesnt yet pays money.
2. If CSA accept i'm the legal father (with no birth cert./dna test) then what is to stop me taking the kids and doing as she has done, keeping them, saying she doesnt have them overnight thus charging her maintenance?
3. Does any of her unreasonable behaviour constitute favour on my part in the courts? I just want her to act like a civil mother rather than a bitter ex. It shouldnt matter whether you dislike or have issues with the other person e.g.cheating on her in the past shouldnt be allowed to affect whether I can have my children in my care (I didnt by the way, just an example!)
4. Quite an over-riding question but hopefully I have found the forum for it, but where do you draw the line in the effect of your children.
I want to see them, I want to bring them up, but does that justify constant court battles etc? At what point is it best to leave her and whatever future family unit to it? Its very early on and it may all work out rosey, but how do you know whats right to do by the twins (oh, I have twins!)
My next step is/was to fill in a c1/c100 form as all informal agreements she has failed to meet so I can only see going to court serving any purpose/meaning.
Many Thanks for replies
Ry
Hi Ry
I'm no expert but with regards to question 1, i think that maintenance & contact are 2 separate entities ie if you are not paying maintenance, it shouldn't affect your access and visa versa.
Not sure about question 2 & 3.
Question 4 is a good question and one I've asked myself. It all boils down to how much you want to be a part of your sons life I guess versus an easier life without all the grief from the ex. It should be an easy decision but some women really know how to make things difficult
Good luck matey
Chris
Just to clarify, based on your response to my Q4, its not about whether I have an easy life or fight, its whether my fighting constantly has a bad effect on the childrens lives as they grow up and at what point do you say OK, im not going to fight your mum, but I am here for you.
ta
sorry, misread your post a bit there. I'll be honest I've wondered how much I can take off my ex and felt like giving up sometimes. Not sure I could live with myself if i gave up though so I keep going.
i think you're right about there has to be apoint where you have to step back if the arguing is causing bad effects on the children.
i'd just hope they were old enough to understand that we are there for them and know who we are when they are old enough to make their own decisions. maybe there's an answer in there somewhere
Hopefully it won't come to having to make that decision for any of us.
all the best
hi ggh and welcome.
Ok, to answer your questions
1. I'm afraid the answer is yes - as has previously been pointed out, contact and maintenance are two separate issues, and you are liable for 20% of your takehome pay from the date your ex contacted the CSA. You do not want to be getting into arrears with the CSA as they can get quite tough, and it also will not look well for you when going to court. However, the CSA can be slow to act, and there are time limits by which you have to reply - there is nothing to stop you from taking as long as they will allow (not too keen on the idea personally though)
2. Your ex is currently the parent with care, and a court would almost certainly take the view that such young children need their mother - if you were to try this, I think you would probably find the police on your doorstep and facing a possible charge of abduction - it simply isn't worth the risk.
3. It can help you (or more likely, it won't help her) but in the first instance, I would consider mediation anyway and see where it goes from there.
4. You want to fight for what is reasonable - if you don't it's something you will always regret for not trying. Having you in their lives is always going to be much better for them than not having you - hopefully it will all turn out rosy 🙂
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