[Solved] Restrictions placed on contact

Hi Darren

Welcome once again to Dadtalk. It sounds as if you have really tried your hardest to make contact work and have bent overbackwards to accommodate your ex's unreasonable conditions. I could understand her concerns over food if your son had some kind of food intolerance or allergy, otherwise it sounds like she is being utterly controlling. It's very sad for your son of course to be caught in the middle. You are right to say that he doesn't need to know all the ins and outs of your dispute, he is the innocent one who has the right to see both of you without feeling anxious and upset.

My feeling is that unless you get a court order in place, nothing much will change. Your ex has already stopped you seeing your son for the time being and you've also been to mediation, which will go in your favour.

I will pass on your post to our legal team for their advice. It may take a couple of days or so for them to reply.

Hi Mikey,

Thanks for your comments, I am pretty much at the end with it as my son suffers in the end.

I'm left with the only contact at the moment being telephone conversation a few times a week.

The funny thing is, she tries to tell people I am controlling and will never back down on anything.

Ah well, i'll go to court and see what happens my bigest concern is that they tell me she is entitled to know where and what we do 😕

As for food, her reason is so she doesn't duplicate meals, well as the only food he seems to eat with her is pre packed, frozen or take away that's probably not going to happen Lol

Thanks again for your replay.

Darren

Ah well, i'll go to court and see what happens my bigest concern is that they tell me she is entitled to know where and what we do 😕

Hi Darren,

Unless there is a very good reason (and it doesn't sound like there is), that simply isn't going to happen. Worth trying mediation again (and mention that if it doesn't work, then you'll be going to court - that way she may be more inclined to be reasonable) both for speed, and so that you can show that you have tried to come to an agreement. Speak to the CLC, as Mikey says, but don't worry, a court isn't going to place the same restrictions without very good cause.

Hi actd,

I have thought about mediation again however my concern is that she will agree to less restriction only to change her mind again at a later date.

I do feel having an order in place is the only way forward with this or she will continue to hold all the cards and my son will be the one caught in the middle.

When I have told her I will go to court when we have had online conversations she still won't allow the restrictions to be dropped, I have said I have saought advice from solicitors and she simply replies "I don't care about your solicitors"

It's a shame as it could all be so different.

Darren

Hi Darren

Have a word with the CLC first, the courts generally like to see that you have tried mediation first, if you can persuade them that you have a good reason for not trying, then it should be no problem, but I wouldn't want you to start with any disadvantage if your ex turns round in court and tells (lies to ) them that she would have been happy to go to mediation but you weren't prepared to.

Hi darren

I am new to this site so you are my first...I have been through similar stuff and speaking from my experience this is what i did...

I kept a complete audit trail of everything, text messages, emails etc as well as a diary on a spreadsheet detailing everything - if you don't you won't remember what happened and why. Michael Mansfield QC said "if it's not written down it didn't happen" - always remember that.

You can represent yourself at court and fill out all the forms - C100 and C1 from the HMCourts website. You MUST however put the time in to understand the law and the courts on family proceedings as well as stated cases..i did all of this and completely gave up other things for a while...

She is not entitled to know where you go and what you do with your son....as long as you can show that you are a good day i.e. he has his own bed/bedroom etc and that you are self sufficient for him, then no problems and that includes seeing his GP for an update on him, parents evenings, sports days etc...

You solution lies in not having any contact with your ex when it comes t pick up and drop, so (as i did) go for a contact order that says you pick him up from school Fri and drop him to school mon as well as the same in the week i.e. thurs into Fri.... (no excuses about work either)

Ask for joint residency as it is important to show that you are just as much of a dad now as you have always been...

Ask for fathers day contact, every other xmas, birthdays and a week in the summer hols...

BUT...you must make absolutley sure that you do the right thing, so that means pay (through the CSA) and DO NOT get into any conversations that are likely to be contentious.

ALWAYS remain calm and NEVER shout or raise your voice. ALWAYS be polite and nice whatever the provocation

WHEN something happens, write an entry that is factual into your diary THE SAME DAY and always add your opinion...

With everything you do, you MUST ask yourself the question and that of others "HOW IS WHAT I AM DOING IN THE BEST INTEREST OF MY SON?" If it is not or their is doubt DO NOT DO IT.

Goodluck
Richard

This is excellent advice. I would only clarify that the diary you keep should include things which are non-contentious, not just the bad stuff. It needs to be a complete, so the court knows you haven't just 'cherry picked' - but you can highlight the items you want to bring to the courts attention.

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the advice, not been on for a while as been busy.

I have my first court appearance on the 29th of this month, as far as I know this is whith caffcass to see if a resulution can be found.

I will kepp you up-dated.

Darren

Hope the Court goes well for you.

My situation sounds very similar to yours, i had to do everything, when, who and with who she specified after i left her to get to see my son....and when she decided she didn't believe we were doing what i told her we had or where we had been or who with etc... she started saying my son didn't want to come and didn't turn up with him at the meeting place.
i had enough and took her to court for a defined contact order in 26th Nov 2010....i then didn't see my son until 18th Dec after court told her to reinstate contact as it had been every weekend.....then 3 hrs boxing day.....and since then i've had only two 1hr sessions with my son.....one with CAFCASS and one at a court appointed contact centre.
The stuff my ex has put me through this last 6/7months is nothing short of domestic abuse....but had i done this and made the same unfounded allegations to the courts as she has i would have been laughed at n told to be a man and accept it.......seems a woman can do and say whatever she wants to the police and courts and they are believed if a good enough actress......a man however is suddenly guilty and must then pay to prove his innocence. £4500 so far and still no order by the courts....just solicitors fighting each other over her lies!
You know something.....i'm always 100% honest....i should've knocked her head off the day i walked out.....or i should've cheated on her....or been a total p*sshead tosspot or chav.....then she could be validated in doing what she has done to me since i left her....and i could at least accept it was my fault and i let my son down.....and rebuild my life...i'm now on anti-depressants because i struggle day in day out to keep from falling apart.....i miss my son so very much....and see no end to my struggle to see him

but a silver ligning has appeared.....two lies that i can now prove with the police and courts.....maybe they will be the start of her downfall....if there is a god i pray to him that this works cos i've nothing left to fight with.

I truely wish that your ex realises the hurt she will do to your child in doing what she is to you.....mine hasn't worked that one out yet.....its the child that suffers through her hate towards you for leaving her.....

Hi again dad-i-d

Thanks for your recent post although I am so sorry that you are now on anti-depressants over this situation. It is heartbreaking and I do hope that something may now happen to the good now that you have this new information for the police and courts.

Do you have a new court date? If so let us know how you get on.

Apoligies for hi-jacking this post......i'll post a separate one elsewhere on the site. Thanks....But back in court Friday 1st July for direction hearing.

Hi dad-i-d

don't worry about hi-jacking it's fine.

Keep pushing in court, I went yesterday and managed to get an interim order in place to say the I get my son every Sunday and all I have to do is let his mum know if we travel more than an hour away.

The judge made it clear that this was an interim order and that after a parenting course and mediation (to discuss my son's wellbeing) we would return in 4 months where it would be very unusual for any order to have restrictions placed where I would have to tell his mother where we would be.

I very pleased with the out come

Good luck for the 1st

Darren