[Solved] Seeing my son

hi mark you probably not going back till august because thats how busy the court is, it took me a few weeks to get my first hearing in guildford, and i had similar allegations against me i have to do hair strand test every month for 6 months.
but my next hearing which is in preston cos thats where my son been taken to live, the first available slot isnt until the beginning of june, that is a long wait till august though.
you could request to see him in a contact centre, did the judge not discuss interim contact? or did he want to come to a contact arrangement after the reports are in for the next hearing. how long haven't you seen your son for if you've been a regular part of his life until now i dont know why they have left you without any contact until august.

I didn't know I needed to ask, and it was over so quick, I had contact till last October when she stopped it and would only allow me to have him in her flat, which was way to uncomfortable! Hence me putting in the contact order and her countering with all of these allegations, the only thing I can think to do is speak to CAFCASS when they call to do the report ??

Also the court said they want the hairstrand test back by the 11th of April and her solicitor was to send me the details of where to go but I haven't received anything from them ?? What should I do ?

How much did you pay for the Strand test? and where did you go ??

Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply to me !

Hi Mark 🙂

If her side has requested the tests then its up to them to cover the costs. Do as BZ suggests and call her solicitor and remind them that the test needs to be done by the 11th. Then call the court, give them your case number and ask them what you should do if the test hasnt been arranged on time, tell them you have chased it up with her solicitor but you are worried about it not being done by the specified date. They will advise you.

Its such a shame you didn't find us before, we could have helped you prepare....never mind you're here now and we shall help you all we can. Its a good idea to talk to CAFCASS when they get in touch but my worry is that they will leave contacting you until just before the next hearing. You could try writing to her solicitor and request that interim contact be set up at a Contact Centre near to where they live in London. I'll give you a link to the NACCC website, this is the association that runs the Contact Centres, they are located across the country so it shouldnt be difficult to find one near to your ex. Let the solicitor know that you have looked into it and give them the information about it.

www.naccc.org.uk

Has Mediation been discussed at all Mark? This might be worth a try and it will show the Court that you are making every effort to reach an agreement with your ex. Heres a link to the Mediation Service. If you make an appointment with them they will go over all the issues with you and then they will write to your ex and invite her to attend. If she agrees, then she would have a meeting with them too and after that you both attend together and try and reach agreement. If you are unemployed or on a low income you would be entitled to funding for this to cover the cost.

www.nfm.org.uk

I'm also going to give you a link to The Personal Support Unit. These are volunteers based in the courts in London that help people that are facing civil court proceedings without legal representation. Their service is free and they may be able to support you.

www.thepsu.org

It would be helpful if you were to start a diary so that you can keep a record of everything to do with your ex and the case. Log all calls with a transcript of whats been said, (I believe theres an app that can record calls) and keep copies of all correspondence, with her solicitor, with the Mediation Service and NACCC. It will show the judge the efforts you are making to restablish contact with your child and behave in a mature and reasonable manner. If she refuses Mediation and interim contact at a Contact Centre then the court will view this as obstructive and unreasonable....it all helps! 😉

Best of Luck Mark, you arn't alone anymore 🙂

....I meant to say that if you want to try Mediation choose a Service near to where she is based too.

Have you been asked to write a Position Statement for the next hearing, thats usual practice and if you read through the guide that BZ has mentioned, you will find an example of a Position Statement and the format you should use. 🙂

Brilliant ill look through all this tomorrow, mediation isn't something I could consider, with him being so young it's horrible he's only 19 months and i live so far away, since we split I have stopped smoking , bought a house just for him so he would have a garden and stability but just because I won't allow her to control me and I don't want to be with her she has started this. I have emailed her solicitor and will call the courts and CAFCASS on Monday, I need to see my GP on Monday to get a letter saying I'm not mad, feel like I'm going mad right now though !! It's not fair that she can say all this and I just have to jump, feel better knowing I have a place to talk now.

Oh and yeah I need to do a position statement to the court Cafcass and her solicitor before attending in August, so I will have a look at that link., I thought it was just to say what position you where in to look after the child?

Just to let you know, I have emailed her solicitor, obviously they are shut on weekends but I have proof of contact, and I will ring the courts tomorrow, I'm in the GP tomorrow night to get a letter to say I'm not a threat to my son, and I am not going to kill myself which is what she is saying, I'm also going to ask the doc about the drug and alcohol test see if he can advise.
Makes me sick doing all this I can feel myself going grey! And the fact I'm paying money to her to pay her solicitors is killing me whilst she wont let me even see my son!
Is it even an option to stop paying her?? I give her £200 a month I don't earn much but I transfer it straight from my bank to hers , no CSA involvement.

Thanks to BZ & Jane for all the advice so far !

hold up!! you pay for her solicitor's!! why? type in csa calculator and see how much maintenance you should be paying, and then pay her the amount they suggest because 200 sounds alot if your on a low wage and have one child i think that figure sounds wrong. And unless you are currently married to the woman then you don't need to give her a penny.

No were not married, yeah I give her £200 straight into her account and she says she is using it for solicitor fee's its supposed to be for him, she takes home £1800 a month after tax and has no outgoings her flat is in with her job.

I take home £1200 and have a mortgage and all the other bills that go with it and have just been paying it because I thought I should ?

...Thats awful! 😡 BZ is right, google the CSA calculator and it will tell you what you should be paying. There is also a sticky that links to a very helpful CSA leaflet, you can find it at the top of the Finance section. Once you have contact with your child you will be able to offset travelling expenses against the maintenance you pay too.

I would repeat what BZ says about getting evidence that she is using the maintenance to pay her solicitor. If she didnt tell you this by txt or email try and get her to repeat it in a written format.

When you make payments to her bank make sure that you have referenced it as "Child Maintenance" if you dont already do so. This then provides you with proof of payment.

...Thats awful! 😡 BZ is right, google the CSA calculator and it will tell you what you should be paying. There is also a sticky that links to a very helpful CSA leaflet, you can find it at the top of the Finance section. Once you have contact with your child you will be able to offset travelling expenses against the maintenance you pay too.

I would repeat what BZ says about getting evidence that she is using the maintenance to pay her solicitor. If she didnt tell you this by txt or email try and get her to repeat it in a written format.

When you make payments to her bank make sure that you have referenced it as "Child Maintenance" if you dont already do so. This then provides you with proof of payment.

Thanks Jane

I put my son's name as the reference on the bank transfer, the calculator says I should be paying £45 a week, but but it doesn't ask me about any outgoings?

I'll have a look at that sticky now, thanks for your help !

...I dont think they consider your outgoings except for travel expenses to visit the child and any joint debts you incurred together. They dont look at what she has coming in either....its so unfair!

thats crazy if they don't look at your outgoings, legal aid do! they should calculate maintenance from your disposible income.

I've just been researching, and nope! My outgoings count for nothing, and her income doesn't come into it !
But my travel does, so Future train tickets will come out of that and she will get what's left, and I'll keep all receipts incase it is queried.
That helps alot, I would just rather put his money into a saving account then give to her, but I have to be seen to be giving her money.

Its wrong she could be a millionaire and me on the bones of my backside, but I would still have to find money to give her, I think I should be giving her money but not when she won't let me see him and earns alot more than me.

Went to the Docs tonight, he is writing me a letter to say I'm not mad and I am of no danger to my son, and I had bloods done in December and my Liver function was fine! Relieved 2 done in one there, and even though I knew he would say everything's fine I was still worried for some stupid reason! Still waiting for an answer off her solicitor but I'm keeping all my emails so she won't have a leg to stand on. I spoke to Cafcass today they are changing my case worker so she will ring me once assigned to discuss access in the mean time, and I called the court who were so unhelpful, but I explained that the hair strand tests would be late due to her solicitor not providing details and and they said they would note it down.

Good day today just a pity we have to go through this [censored] just for the right to see our sons and daughters on the say so of a bitter ex partner.

Help please peeps??

Cafcass just rang and said they want a statement off me of what my circumstances are and what I want regards contact.
As they are putting there report in Thursday ! Nice 1 days notice !

They have all my medical record a hair strand tests all back negative, so no drug use or alcohol and now mental illness, of which she said I had all and was drinking and using drugs daily !

Any advice what to put in the statement ? we went to court back in May and the judge seemed very fair, but my next date is 1st of august
and that date will now be when they decide if I can see him.

Cafcass said they want a supervision order which I'm ok with for the first visit.

I haven't seen him since last October due to her stopping me, and he will be 2 on the 20th of August .

I live in Liverpool and she is in London, I want to see him twice a month and have him overnight come Christmas is that unreasonable ??

I have sent my statement the draft on the sticky at the top was brilliant so thank you !

Cafcass have spoke to me again today and said she has not been in touch at all and she has not supplied any info the courts?
The courts also wanted her to get hair strand tests done and liver function tests due to her requesting me too.
They said I might be able to see him supervised for 2 hours every 3 weeks in a contact centre, this is horrible !

And I am the one representing my self and the one who has done everything the courts and cafcass has asked !