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Hello , I have a question regarding contact with my two daughters after a seperation period of 3 years. My daughters are 13 and 6. I have had an amicable relationship with my ex partner since the awkward period of sorting the house , finances etc. to the point we had flexibility within the custody arrangement and we would do favours for each other. The only bone of contention has always been xmas and where the girls spend it. the first xmas I was living in a room in a shared house and though my ex partner thought it was fine to have the two girls there at the w/ ends, odviously even i wasnt happy with them spending xmas with me in a room.
so I went to my old house and had two hours ,watched them open their presents , then went back to mine. After xmas I asked her if we could sort it out and get into a routine where we had them every other xmas , I was told we would have to discuss it later and she brushed it under the table. The following xmas I asked before xmas and was told that she had decided I would have to do the same as the year before and joy of joys ,her mother and father would be there. as it was the only way she would let me see them and it was one of the most uncomfortable things id ever done (as her mother never did really speak to me anyway) . After that I explained this was no good and I would like to take the girls to see their paternal family , this last xmas just gone. At that point she said yes but when i checked about 3 weeks before xmas, the answer was no. now the paternal family all live in hampshire or london. I moved to birmingham with my ex partner when she was pregnant with my first daughter so she could live where she was brought up and (oh joy) walking distance from her parents.
So last xmas i ended going to see my family without my girls. I told her last year i certainly wasnt happy and I wanted to get this sorted but left it till two weeks ago to broach the subject again. I was told no , not only by her but was phoned by her father and informed" you will never get xmas lee, its never going to happen" which to be honest, i didnt appreciate. Now the finances , contact , helping with necessary and unnecessary expences, the whole relationship was fine as far as we were both concerned to the point we went to parents evenings and school presentations and plays together, firework displays and she wanted me to go with the three of them to draighton manor for a day with them. Having yet again refused xmas and the following and previous behaviour of her parents makes me question a lot of things that i have never thought about before, (e.g.custody if anything happens to her ).
Now we are not speaking at present and they are all on holiday in gersey visiting her sister and the girls cousin, which i am glad of, I have reduced custody to visitting due to the fact that I want this whole thing sorted so there are no grey bits whatsoever. I know I have to offer to talk to her and am prepared to go to mediation , and if neither work or are taken as an option by her I will just go for a custody order.
My question is basically as it becomes obvious i can no longer trust her, where can I get information on what sort of things I need to think of regarding the childrens future and my apparent lack of rights within the whole situation and can i have all my concerns included within th inevitable contact order we will be getting.
I hope you can help and look forward to your responce
It's such a pity that after all this time things should start to go pear shaped. A couple of things....
Am I correct in understanding that you have reduced contact with the girls? If so this is inadvisable as it could be interpreted wrongly.
You will have Parental Responsibility for your youngest child, but if you weren't married when the older child was born you won't have PR for her. You would then need to apply for this alongside an application for contact or residency.
Custody (residence) and contact are two separate orders, if you can't resolve the issue of Christmas at Mediation and choose to
apply to the court, which order are you applying for?
Court should always be a last resort, it causes rifts and puts added strain on the relationship between parents. I'm assuming you are talking about a contact order, in which case you can ask for a defined contact order and have a schedule written into it. Such things as 50/50 split of school summer holidays, or a block of a week or two so that you may take them on holiday. Shared Easter, Christmas and birthdays, where you would alternate these special occasions year on year.
If however you feel the mother wouldn't prevent your regular contact if you were to apply to court, you could use what is called a Specific Issue Order. This covers a specific issue such as sharing Christmas.
Ill be honest, I dont really want to apply for any order, things were apart from xmas going fine, Ill admit she has been "holding the purse strings" as it were a bit, but she is there mum,so i worked on the basis i give a bit for the maternal instinct. But this issue has gone on with herself just batting it aside. I am only interested in a contact order as , apart from, if anything happened to her, they need their mum being girls for obvious reasons. I'm not sure why she does not understand that my paternal instincts are equally as strong , which is why ive tried with being friendly, restarting my home ,work life etc in birmingham.
I was unaware a specific order could be gained regarding specific occasions if im honest and this is something i would like to look into. The main problem i have with that is my girls being brought into investigations of any sort really. Lilia my youngest being six should not really be put under that pressure and has already been questioned by her mum and family where she wants to spend xmas and said to me that "mum has said your going to speak to us dad and I dont know which one to choose" At that point i told her she doesnt have to worry as this xmas she is spending with her mum" Now I have just lost the xmas coming , due to the fact i havent spoken to lilia (6) and had no intention of questioning her at all about this and have reiterated to her that "this has nothing to do with her ,so not to worry. I and her mum love her and I am not going anywhere". I have spoken to Caitlin (13) and though she understands I've also told her I understand her position , as she lives with her mum and going against the grain at home isnt going to help her either.
I fully intend to re set up full contact with them when they get back from holiday but unless talks can be reopened regarding this issue and other points i now wish to raise, I will see if we can attend mediation to sort them.
Thank you for the information you have provided, and the fact that I am not the only dad that cares and wants to see and help with their kids growing up, but has met some sort of unreasonable resistance,is nice to know, if you know what I mean.
Thanks once again .
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