[Solved] Should I stay or should I go now?

Hi and welcome

It's good that you are able to make progress it's worth sticking with mediation if you can make it work, the court can be long and drawn out and some decisions can be taken away from you.

with regards to staying or going I think that is something only you can decide on,

do you own the house or rent?

what other assets are there to decide upon?

If it were me I would wiegh up the impact on not just myself but also my children and what effect you being there will have on them, as far as I am aware your rights don't change just becuase you are no longer living at the address, your belongings are still yours and you are still entitled to enter the home if you are paying the mortgage rent ect.

Maybe try and have another mediation appointment before you go where you can talk through what will happen when you go to settle any nerves you have around child contact and assets, though keep mindful that mediation is always "without predudice" so not legally binding so if your partner (ex) changes her mind on anything there isn't too much come back on her, in the same respect if you change your mind the same counts.

Good luck and keep us posted

uname123

the advice i was given by my solicitor back in 2009 was not to move out.....however my ex made it so difficult for me to stay there that i found i had to leave to save the arguments in front of my son.

May be legal advice would be the best thing for you so that you are in no doubt about what your rights are.

just be careful and record (written notes) everything that happens, try not to be drawn in to arguments.

I tried but my ex knew how to push my buttons, after one argument about me refusing to leave the house my ex sunk to a new low, she phoned the police and reported that i was being abusive and she wanted me out the house and i wouldn't do as she said and leave the house, while on the phone she then alleged i had hit her....i didn't but that didn't stop her lying to the police and courts. it has since taken me almost two years fighting her through court to get her to finally admit she lied to the police and courts.

so.....beware....people sink to new lows when they start getting advice from their so called friends and "doo gooders" sticking their two pence worth in without knowing the truth behind the lies!

Hi Darren and dad-i-d,

Thank you both for your comments.

Darren, it is interesting what you say about having access to the house while I am paying the mortgage (we own the house and it is in joint names currently). When I move out I will no longer be paying the mortgage on the family home, the plan is that she will buy me out and I will pay rent/mortgage on a new place. The problem is we have not agreed on how much equity she will release to me, or when. She wants to pay me less than I think is fair and also she wants to defer that payment for up to 2 years. This just doesn't work in my mind as anything could happen in 2 years - right now she is in work and able to buy me out; in 2 years this may not be the case and then where would I stand on trying to get my money? Our other assets are insignificant compared to the equity in the house.

I have a strong relationship with both of my children - they know that we are splitting up and I am going to move out. My partner and i have also agreed not to discuss separation matters in the house to avoid arguing in front of the kids and so that we know when we are and are not talking 'business'. So I don't feel that my being in the house is a problem for the children. In fact, I am doing the majority of the cooking and looking after the kids at weekends.

But then there is the situation that dad-i-d describes; she just wants me out of her life and is button pressing. Of course she has stopped cooking and washing my clothes, this is to be expected and I'm just getting on with it. But just yesterday I found out from my son that the 3 of them are off on holiday today for the week!! So just when did my partner think she was going to tell me this? Or was she thinking I'd come home from work tonight and find them not there? Honestly, it's tough to remain calm sometimes and I fear that these sorts of antics will continue which puts a great strain on the idea of reaching mutual agreement through mediation.

So for now I think I'm better off staying in the house until we have agreed on asset splitting and ongoing maintenance as I fear I will be in a very weak position if I move out.

Thanks again for your comments.

Hi,

If you have a mortgage how is she planning on you moving and not paying towards it?

Is she re mortgaging in her own name/transfering it to her name?

If she isn't and she doesn't make payments you are still liable to pay them as your name is on the agreemant, if she is re mortgaging then is she not able to raise the money to buy you out now?

One thing to keep in mind reference the amount you get from the house if you can't agree and you get into leagal or even battles through mediators then you can end up paying out a fortune, and if she won't back down you may end up accepting a lower amount on top of the bills (I speak from experience) pick your battles wisely and always try and look at the bigger picture, though swallowing your pride and allowing her to take the upper hand financaly, you may be able to win knowing you didn't take the stuborn appraoch.

I agree with Darren, I know you aren't married, but my divorce cost me about £8000 a few years ago (though that paled into insignificance compared to the later legal costs over custody and contact) - and most of that was because of wrangling over the financial side - even then I made concessions to avoid further legal costs, which would have far outweighed the added share of money that I could have gained by fighting on.

Hi,

The plan is that my partner will buy me out - eventually. But she is insisting that I move out of the family home asap (she has asked that I go by Easter) and before we have settled on any agreements regarding splitting assets, child contact and maintenance money.

I feel caught in a conflict here as on one hand I hear what dad-i-d is saying; that the longer we stay in the same house the worse our relationship is becoming and I want to avoid total meltdown. But on the other hand, if I move out before agreements are made then I am still named on the family house mortgage (and hence liable) as well as paying my own rent; I am still named on our joint bank account as well as responsible for my own finances; and worst of all I don't know when agreement will be reached. It could be months, possibly years before we reach settlement and I am finally able to buy myself a house again.

thanks for all your comments guys, it is very helpful to talk these scenarios through.

Just to add a little of my situation in to the mix.....i moved out in Dec 2009....she was allwoing me to see our little boy until sept. 2009 when she started casuing the problems, not turning up etc...
We agreed to rent the house out in Oct 2009 to a "friend" for 6 months to help her out!
May 2010 the "friend" got evicted by my ex.....the ex then moved back in with her new bloke! all while its still in my name!
i spoke with the mortgage company about my options...they said as long as they getting the mortgage paid they don't really care what happens!
the ex agreed to buy me out in sept 2011......and to date she has still not found the money....reason being she cannot take on the mortgage on her own! Dec 2011 she married her bloke and so i understand it they are now looking at him buying the house of her and her buying me out.......all a very strange and suspicious deal to me...

my advice don't move out until you have things set in place and you have a legal protection of the house.....mine's gonna cost me £10k of my £15k that i had tied up in the house in the equity share at the recent market evaluation! not great but i just want that tie away from her...if she fails to keep up the payments its me that gets blacklisted!!!

take the advice of a solicitor or legal expert....don't just go on her promises!