[Solved] Some advice please? Appreciated!

Wow. What a nightmare.

Okay, so if you have confirmation that they are back together then you need to contact social services. In this case i'd say you have a moral obligation as well as a parental obligation to tell SS this, but it probably means she will use as an excuse to stop you seeing the kids. There's a fair chance that she will go for CSA at this point and she'll get a big chunk of your pay until you go through court for contact or residency. Things are going to be a bit rubbish for up to a year, but your kids are at the right ages for this; you might be kept from them for a bit, but they'll be back in your life at a good developmental time, and believe me kids who are two and three do not forget who their Dad is, especially when the forced replacement is a complete Piers Morgan.

God knows why she got back with him, but it won't last and there's every chance it will end the same way it ended for them before. No court should believe any allegations she makes towards you just because she once had a violent ex, but start recording phone calls and handovers and make a diary of what is said if you think she might tell the police something made up. No better defense than being able to say 'that didnt happen, I recorded the whole thing, i'll play it if you want' to a visiting police officer.

Id also say try to shift things onto your terms. I was regularly doing all the driving for pick ups and drop offs until I said that I could only pick up at 3.45 from school in future. After a couple of days of 'well you wont see them then' she quickly arranged for me to collect the kids after school. With your distance that might not work, but im sure you have some solution in mind. It doesnt come across as if she is the sort of person who wants the kids 24/7, and even if she does I bet her new 'boyfriend' doesnt want them there every day.

Stay strong fella. In a year this will all be history, and your kids will easily twig that you're a caring, fair parent as they get older.

I agree with the above.

i would also add that, especially since she has threatened the CSA, that you pre-empt her and go to them yourself - that way yo have proof that any money you pay is for maintenance, whereas at the moment, the CSA may not see it as such.

Just to add my 2p's worth in here. I was advised to seek mediation regardless of what my ex said. I actually began mediation proceedings and then told my ex that I had done so. I got replies back saying things like, "they can take me to jail" and that she wouldn't be doing anything and that I could skip mediation and take her right to court... (Which is my long term plan).

I still did it anyway and went along to the 1st "setup" session and took some evidence along with me, to show that I was doing all I could to be apart of my child's life, at the same time showing the emails i got back from my ex...

The mediator (although impartial) was not impressed and could see my hands were being tied behind my back. The mediator had told me that from past experience that what my ex is doing will result in us going to court. which for me is great, it means that my ex will break the law if she does not abide by the ruling.

With ref to the C.S.A, like been said, pre empt it and go yourself. Give them a call, they really don't bite! - If not then try the Child Maintenance Options people, the offer great advice.

Hope you don't feel too down, we've all felt like it but we are here for you 🙂

Hi guys thanks for the replies much appreciated! Unfortunately things have got worse and my wife called today saying I cant see kids every second weekend anymore as I will need to go to a contact centre now for access!

Her friend said It was my counselling service who instigated this but my wife when on phone didn't sound like it was someone else who started this but more herself!

I am attending a voluntary counselling service as I have been hurt by the break up and the last six months of my marriage I was verbually abusive or think I was as I cant differentiate from arguing or abuse as I am so mixed up! But I thought well its free counselling and if anything it might make me learn to improve on things if I ever have another relationship! We both said a lot of nasty things in the past but I know I am a man and she might have been scared when we argued but I gave her everything and supported her through [censored]!

Supposedly I will receive a letter about this tomorrow but do you think my counselling would do this or is she just not wanting to tell her friend how nasty she can really be! I intended on taking kids to my friends this weekend but now it seems I am not going to see them much now! If I have to go to this contact centre for access who decides when I can see my kids at home again or when I am deemed fit to see them or is it just up to my wife as usual as she pulls all the strings here!

I wanted to show I was a good dad by going to counselling but feel I might have shot myself in the foot, In terms of this contact centre is this going to be it for years?? She said to me that the relationship was good but the last year I was abusive I am totally confused and heartbroken I got nothing now! p.s I never harmed my kids, but really angry with my wife as I never had any closure on my relationship, she just left and I was supposed to not show any feelings what so ever! Plus I been seeing them every second weekend for 4 months or so so why didn't this happen at start of breakup, she was even trying to get me to take them every weekend at one point!

Generally, contact centres are a short term measure, initially supervised (if necessary), then moving onto supported, and then possibly as a handover only. Ultimately, the aim is to move to other arrangements unless there are safeguarding issues.

dont beat yourself up to much man, courts dont look at the arguments you may or may not have had with ur ex. They only focus on the well being of the child, and whats best for the child. Your ex may think at this moment in time she can stop contact or even resort to contact centres. i would take her up on her offer for contact centre visitation as it will only last so long and in the courts eyes it means that your willing to try regardless of how awkward your ex has been. I also wouldnt worry to much about your ex being afraid of you when you were arguing "because your a man". it takes 2 to tango regardless of gender.

Hi guys

Thanks so much for the replies, Ok my wife said she wanted me to go to this contact centre until I had issues in my life sorted out, as I have been left with bills etc and have had a wage arrestment and been paying maintenance every month which has to be honest been stressfull as some months I been left with no money to live on or not much anyway!

And what she is saying is that having the kids every second weekend is stressful for me and she is worried about me as yes I don't have proper finances at moment, So she asked when my finances would be sorted and I said January so she said I could have contact again then.

Do you think she really does care, as I want to accept the service to show courts etc I am willing to meet halfway, but same time if I go to the service am I in a way saying I cant look after my kids and agreeing with anything said by her, therefore putting my self in jeopardy? Whenever I had kids we have done the normal stuff like feed ducks, softplay you name it! And I had food etc so still confused!

Thanks

I think you should take the middle ground and just say that all you want is to continue to be involved in your children's life and that you would prefer that contact to be unsupervised as it always has been. That you are a confident and capable father and have a strong bond with your children but if the only way you are able to continue seeing them is through a contact centre you are prepared to do so. Also,that you wish for this to be for an allotted period of time with the prospect of it moving to unsupervised within a three month timescale.