[Solved] Some Questions Please

Hi See post a few down from this one regarding an ex tryingt to dictate over who can see the kids and where/when etc...

http://www.dad.info/dad-talk-forum/legal-eagle/23906-can-a-mother-dictate-over-children

Hi there and welcome 🙂

It seems inevitable that there will be problems when a relationship breaks down, especially if there is a third party involved. Your split is still relatively recent and as you have moved on, your ex is bound to be hurting. Women in this situation will often use their children as a way to try and control their ex....I dont condone this type of behaviour, but I do understand it.

As you are due to attend Mediation, I would try and get some ground rules laid and agreements reached about contact etc. Mediation can be very helpful as it allows both parties to talk through the issues in a neutral place, with guidance from a trained mediator.

If you can sort it out without going to court, that is always the better option. You have three children together and that means you will always be in each others lives, regardless of other partners. It would be so much better for the children to see you both sorting out your differences in a calm and mature way, because wether or not they appear to be handling the split, it will be affecting them.

I wish you all well and hope that mediation works for you. If however you have no other option but to go to court, then there is plenty of information on here to help you.

Good luck with it all 🙂

Thanks Dad-I-d and nannyjane.

Just a few points, the third party came on scene after the separation, but admittedly very soon. But this was by chance and on my part luck.

The main answer I want is is the insistence in the question about who they may come into contact and sleeping arrangements justified and am I legally bound to ask them?

I know by law there are certain things we must consult each other on (schools, doctors etc), but I think my parental responsibility is to look after my children in a way I see fit. Can I ask her questions equally about my concerns demand the answer???

I could take this to my solicitor, but cannot afford to rack up thousands of costs.

I think that unless there are genuine reasons for concern, then neither party can ask the other for a running account of what's going on - when your children are with you, then that is your time with them to do with as is reasonable, and the same goes when they are with your ex. A court could impose certain restrictions in contact or residence if there is a good reason to do so, but it would have to be a very good reason.

Thanks actd, I think for now I have to go along with it and wait for mediation as next time I have my kids is alone. Then mediation in first week of feb before my partner and I move, so all visits after this will be with all together, which my kids have no issue with, just her. If she refuses on the grounds she is there, then that will be evidence in court of her being unreasonable.

...these are the issues you can talk through in Mediation. Generally when each parent has the children, where they go, who they meet and where they sleep, as long as its appropriate, cant be dictated by the other parent. I cant see a court making decisions on these matters, unless as actd says, there are very good reasons to do so.

As i put in the other post about this......Who she sees or who you are seeing is really nothing to do with either of you….whether you like it or not you will have to accept her judgement with who she chooses to be around your child and she should accept your judgement on when the time is right to introduce a new partner in to your child’s life.
the only thing you need to know is that the other person who is being brought in to contact with your child is not a risk to your child.....you will only have your ex's word for that!

i know nothing about the guy my ex moved in to my childs life after just 6-8mths of me leaving my her....i know his name...and from that i've found out where he works and what he does.....but apart from that i don't know what he's like as a person...he could have done time for murder or anything....i'd like to know every things about him for my own peace of mind but its not gonna happen cos it's not my business........in all honesty he comes across as a muppet....sorry i mean puppet!
when i've met him when we tried using him to facilitate the handovers at the meeting points he always came out with things that the ex had obviously instructed him to do....check the car seat was in the car and i had the food and drinks etc... for my child.....personally i don't like the guy....his eyes are too close together and he's not very articulate........but i have no control over who my child sees but when i've had a girlfriend i've been warned by my ex not to let them interact with my child.....
i've not had one long enough to consider introducing my child to them......and i've not had enough time with my child anyway to want to share that time just yet.

as long as he doesn't touh or hurt my child then thats all i can hope for.......if he ever does and i get to know then he will be taking food through a straw

Thanks nannyjane, and there shouldn't be, during the kids early years I had them most nights and day times due to ex working nights and me working shifts. My new partner has two young kids and no issues. As said earlier, I think this is an obvious case of "because she can"!! And as soon as I question anything I get the standard response, "I can stop you seeing them"!

Thanks again, love the summary of the muppet, like I have said to her, if she finds someone else I would trust her as a parent. So hate the way she feels she can dictate what I do!!

i know i'm gonna be branded "chauvanist" or "woman hater" - there is only one woman i truely hate!

but its my guess that most of the ex's who have the kids with them seem to think because they gave birth that they have every right to stop you from being involved as soon as you dare question their word!
its just the only way they have to control you!

i stuck 4yrs of being controlled by my ex....when i dared to stand up for what i thought was right when she was being wrong and way out of order that was the beginning of the end for my love of her.....i hate what the ex's of people out here on this site are doing to the fathers of their kids.....most do it out of revenge....others out of spite.....others out of greed for benefits etc...

having read what other people go through and knowing what i've gone through just trying to be a good decent father to my child.....i totally get why many dads just walk away and have nothing to do with their kids.....but if they've had to go through what i am i can see why they're seen to not care.....they most likely do but cannot fight on.

May be its time to join Fathers4Justice and protest against the injustice that we decent good fathers are getting!

I will argue against this - the people you hear on here (and fathers for justice & mumsnet) are the ones with a grievance.. If everything goes well - and there are plenty of cases where it does - then you don't hear about them because they don't need any assistance or mediation, it just works.

Still despise my ex though 😆