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Hi guys, first of all, cannot tell you how relieved I am to find somewhere where I can actually get help.
Long story short, me and my ex split up when our daughter was only 5 weeks old. I have PR and my daughter has my last name. We have been in and out of court and mediation, and £4,000 later, we decided on a no-order to be made, and we agreed on flexible contact between both of us, sharing the care ofm,y daughter.
Fast forward 3 years, I got married and have a 10 month old little boy, she has also got married. Everythingwas fine ish untill last September shortly after her wedding. She moved from our local area of Doncaster to an RAF base "somewhere" with her fella. She won't disclose any info on where she is living or any details of her address, only that she will be moving a lot.
I saw my little girl 3-4 days a week between work, and this slowly went to only a weekend, then every other weekend, untill in November 2011 she failed to turn up at a designated drop off/pick up point. I haven't seen my daughter since then.
My ex still refuses to let me see her, saying that my now 4yr old daughter doesnt want to see me or my wife or her brother, not to mention the rest of the family. She's using this excuse knowing that i don't know where she lives and I can't just come round and take her.
Since reading this forum I ahve discovered that my ex shouldn't be able to put her in school without my consent, which she has. Shortly before contact stopped, my daughter would tell me and my wife stories, saying that her new name was Jones, that she didn't have to see us anymore once her brother (my son) was born in august 2011, and that me and my wife and our family didnt love her or want her anymore. This had all come from her mother.
I've spent another £1,000 on solicitors fees to try and find her and win her back but it's ammounting to nothing. I'm at the end of the road and don't know where to turn or what to do. It's like not being able to breath air, knowing my daughter is out there forgetting I even exist as every day goes by.
Can someone please help, give me some advice or a route to go down. With her fella being in the RAF, i'm worried shes fled the country. She hasn't text me back in 2 months to even let me know my daughter is alive.
Thank you
Hi and welcome
I'm afraid I'm at a bit of a loss what to advise here, and as you have a solicitor, we can't ask the cclc to comment. You do need a contact order and your ex can't legally remove your daughter from the country without your permission (I'm not sure what the status of an RAF base abroad is though) - your solicitor should be assisting you on this though - what has he/she said about the circumstances?
Hi Vulf,
Sorry to hear of your situation.
Just so you are aware, she can actually place your child in a school without your consent.
Your first problem is actually figuring out where she is.
Steps
1) First off, you will need to complete and file something called a 'C4 Court Form' (Seek and Locate). This will allow you to know the childs whereabouts (You can Google this and its numero uno)
2) File a C100 Contact Application (Guide at top of this Section)... given your case is quite specific, post back and we can give pointers on Section 7
3) By this point, she may have a Solicitor being instructed and they are likely to start contact with you (possibly to try and warn you off). Again we can help here.
Once you've done the C4 form (its fairly straight forward) post back here.
Its so important in keeping your children a part of your lives and its commendable that you are seeking to re-instigate contact 🙂
Any other questions and we are happy to help.
Thank you both for such a rapid response.
I am not currently represented by a solicitor as I can't physically afford to pay one anymore.
I will look right into the c4 court form and sort it out right away, thank you very very much.
It's nice to think I might actually be able to get somewhere. I just don't understand how some women can do this and get away with it, it's so awful.
Hi Vulf,
As you're no longer represented by a solicitor, you can get free legal advice from the Coram Children's Legal Centre (CCLC). There's a link at the foot of this page.
You're amongst friends here and the support you will get from other dads like Yoji and ACTD is outstanding. They got me through a pretty tough period a year or so ago.
Good luck!
FM '70
Hi all just a quick update. I'm going to file the c4 form Monday, how much does it cost?
Also my wife just told me about Parental Alienation Syndrome. Sounds exactly like what my ex has done as continues to do. has anyone had anything to do with this, or any advice on it?
Thanks
Hi Vulf,
I'm not sure to be honest. There's a wealth of information online relating to what the form C4 does, but I can't find anything that says how much it actually costs. I would imagine that it wouldn't cost more than £200.
As for your query about Parental Alienation, I would imagine that ACTD and Yoji would have something to add on the subject. Or be able to point you towards further information.
FM '70
Hi Vulf,
Just to add to FM's post 🙂
Parental Alientation, just so you are aware isn't technically recognised by British Courts, but it is well heard of and i am pleased to say something that is gathering momentum in the Court system here.
Parental Alienation is in effect where one parent (usually referred to as the favoured parent) is turned against the other parent (known as the target parent).
There are several ways which this is done:
- Bashing (criticism of the target parent by the favoured parent i.e. ignoring any positives (including acitivities) that the target parent has)
- Badmouthing (exaggerating stories etc surrounding a negative occurrence i.e. remember when you fell.. "Daddy didn't really care did he")
- Brainwashing (where the extents of the negativity turn the child completely against a target parent)
There are other such instances where all the above cover manipulation, lies, hate campaigns, false accusations, isolation (*my favourite aspect of it*) and targetting other family members associated with a target parents and yes... even their pets! There is more associated but that is a general gist of it.
I would always urge caution before instantly calling the PAS card, as in some instances, this is not the case.
Also just to back up FM's post the C4 can cost £0-£200 dependant on your financial situation 🙂
I've read up on this subject pretty well including a book or two and it is an undoubted occurrence and the documentation for it is astounding. The UK Courts however are considerably behind.
For more info, just Google: Parental Alienation
Thanks guys. It seems exactly what my ex is doing. She's been using the excuse that my daughter doesn't want to see me, so she won't force her, despite her only being 4, she moved and won't tell me where she's moved to, and my little girl told me last time I saw her in Nov that she had a secret, and her mum told her not to tell me, but apparently me and my wife didn't love her anymore, and tha she was wrong to miss us or love us
I'm not sure weather I should try get some advice from Social, problem is she's on a RAF base somewhere and they said they can't touch her. I've been to the social so many times before and it's all been well documented, but she threatens them with legal action and suddenly it's forgotten about
hey guys just a quick update.
managed to get the £80 for the c4 form and its all filled in. Where do I take it to file it?
Many thanks guys
Not sure but I would think it would be your local court, I'd give them a ring just to check.
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