[Solved] Taking over the care

Hi there and welcome 🙂

How old is your son if you dont mind me asking.... Do you have regular contact with him and how is he coping with his mums alcoholism?

Have your ex's benefits been stopped? I was under the impression that benefits and rent rebates were paid by seperate bodies, benefits being through the DWP and rent rebates being controlled by the council.

If you pay her regular maintenance either through the CSA, or more informally as a personal agreement then you shouldn't be required to pay any more, the dilemma is a moral one because of your son.

If you want Residency (custody) then I would have thought you may stand a good chance because of the alcohol problems the mother has.
Has there ever been any police involvement with your ex, or any Social Services intervention with your sons care? If you are worried about your sons well being and think he is at risk , you might think about contact the Social Services with your concerns.

As far as your question about a B&B is concerned, if she does get thrown out for non payment, as she has a child then I would have thought she would either be put into a B&B or more likely, one of the homeless centres. For this reason alone, custody may not be granted but taking into account the alcoholism and fraud, the court may see this as a worsening situation and on balance grant Residency to you.

Thank you for your prompt response NannyJane.
My son is 6. have and had have seen him for every weekend since the break up, 5 years ago. I also take him swimming every thursday and have all round regular contact and an excellent relationship with him. She has threatened many times to change this arrangement, but up til now they have only been threats. I pay her 20% of my wages ( and she only has him during the 5 weekdays) and contribute for other clothing items. Police have been involved concerning the alcoholic atate of herself of an evening when she phoned me and the police to say that she had "lost" him.....( he was around at a friends house ) and child services were alerted and came to see me and her. I have a stable job, good character and family support. Until this time it has worked out reasonably well and I have always been aware that My boy loves his Mum very very mucha nd she cares and loves him very very much. There are just these 3 or 4 big "events" per year that she gets herself involved with that show no sign of getting better. Now she has befriended this hateful character I fear things will turn and I feel also I need to know some legal facts of what is and what isn't possible for me to to apply/plan for .
I was hoping that I could take over the care role, get anm Au pair for the mornings to school and pick him up from school after my work. I have family support that would facilitate this in the early weeks/ months and I fel that althoughj I don't want to take away his Mum and worsen ( significantly) the relationship between her and me for the long term future. When I think of that though I get the thought that I am being a wuss!
Thank you for your help.
Ben

...I understand how you feel Ben but reading between the lines I get the feeling you feel the situation has reached the point where you may need to intervene. Its a good idea to plan for all eventualities and even though there's a loving bond between mother and son, other factors have to be taken into account,

My son has Residency of his 5 year old son, the problem with his mother was overall neglect and abuse due to drink and drugs. There was a lot of ill feeling at the beginning of the proceedings and for a short while after my son was awarded custody, but things have settled down now and I think it was a wake up call for the mother because she has sorted out her life and home to some extent. She has contact every other weekend from friday to sunday and he goes for tea after school once a week. So taking a child away from a mother where there is love can still work successfully. Children need routines and they appreciate being taken out of a chaotic environment, but it doesnt stop or inhibit the bond with their mother in the long term...just my opinion. 🙂

If you have serious concerns you could call Social Services and speak to them about the worsening situation and your fears for your son. Dads get mixed responses from SS workers, they often come across as "not interested" but if you feel that your son is at risk, if you say this they should investigate.

You could try Mediation, this would provide you with a platform to talk to her about your concerns, it might help, but I would say its powers to effect the kind of changes that are needed here are limited.

i think if you applied to Court for Residency you have a fairly good chance of succeeding but there are no guarantees and it would as you say, have a detrimental effect on your relationship with the mother.

The other option is not to enable her by paying the rent, and wait for things to get to the point where they are evicted for non-payment. At that point you can step in and suggest that your son stays with you until things can be sorted out. Once you have him with you you could then apply to make it official if you wished, or agree to a more informal arrangement whereby your son can return once she is back on track and can provide a decent home for him.

Good luck with it all Ben and do please let us know how you are getting on 🙂

Thank you.
Your words have eased my aching a little.
I take them in the very empathetic way you have given them.
Many thanks
Ben

I agree with the above. I think if I was in the same situation, much as it may pain in the short term, I'd let the situation deteriorate to the extent that you are able to intervene and take custody of your son and then go for residence. I agree that although there are no guarantees, if you are able to provide a stable environment for your son, and your ex isn't, then a court is extremely unlikely to return your son to your ex.

Thank you for your time in replying actd.
Ben