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I need some advice/help please I feel trapped & worried sick.
Some background:
Been with my partner for 18 years.
We have a daughter aged 11.
We are the homeowners
Both in full time employment.
A few years ago I asked my partner if she was seeing someone else – she said no – I’m pretty sure she was. She said that she nearly left me before because things had become ‘stale’. I suggested going to speak to someone but she didn’t want to. After time things improved for a while up until last year. I know that she hooked up with this guy again. I know she was seeing/meeting him secretly. To be honest around that time the relationship was dipping again. No arguments really, just an increasing disinterest.
I decided at the time to keep quiet – why? – this is my main point – my daughter means the world to me. I know that bringing up the issue would more than likely mean the end of the relationship and subsequently I wouldn’t see my daughter as much as I wanted to – i.e. everyday.
Things have now taken another twist – she is now seeing another bloke. Late working/sudden meetings/disappearing acts and I’ll admit it, looking at her phone confirm it. I think we both know that our relationship is over but again there are no really arguments just a ‘getting on life’ attitude.
I feel trapped.
At the moment, my relationship with my partner aside, things are ok. I see my daughter everyday, my mother (who has done so since she was a few moths old )looks after our daughter before and after school – she has an amazing bond with her, she is doing really well at school , we have a nice house etc.
If I bring the subject up; its over. As I understand things I will probably get to see my daughter a fraction of the time – its simply not enough. I will have little if any say in my daughters future (I understand that I don’t have parental responsibility) . My mother I fear for. If my daughter is taken out of her life to the extent of bit part player I honestly worry about her health. My daughter worships her.
I’m proud to say that I have a fantastic relationship with my daughter – I’m the one who spends more one on one time with her without doubt. I take her out, we go for walks, I take her to the doctor, the dentist; when she is unwell she normally comes to me; I mainly help with homework etc.
I do worry about her future.
The pressure of the situation is getting on top of me and I hunt around trying to find the answer I want to hear. My family have started to notice a difference in me but so far I’ve deflected this. You might say that I’m jumping the gun as I haven’t had the conversation with my partner yet. If I don’t and accept things I see my daughter when I want to – If I do I (and others inc my mother) I dread the outcome.
Any help appreciated.
Thanks.
Hi There and welcome,
You seem to have decided the outcome already, which may be the case but without discussing things with you partner you won't know how things will end up.
Is there any way of using relate to try and regain your relationship with your partner or do you feel it is 100% over?
If you do then you need to talk to her and see how the ground lies with respect to your daughter, you may be surprised as too what she wants to happen with regards to contact ect.
I would imagine that your daughter goes to your mums as it suits your situation with work ect? would that need to change? I would imagine it's convienent for it to be this way now so would probably work the same if you were to seperate.
You may find you get to see your daughter less but the time you have together will become stronger.
I'm sure this feel really scary at the moment as you don't know what the future holds, but it doesn't sound like you can continue as you are.
Darren
Hi
thanks for the reply. this has been bottled up for so long.
I don't think i can trust her again so yes its probably over asnd in anycase I'm pretty sure she wants out.
regarding my mother - yes it suits all parties. whilst my family live within 10 mins her family are in the next county. I fear she may up root and live over there changing schools etc. One message i have seen involing the other party says someting like 'can't wait for x to have a brother/sister realationship with y'. If makes me shudder.
If we split i'd love my daughter to live with me but that surely won't happen. If we can't agree contact, I will suggest mediation but if she refuses what hope do i have in the courts? Would they go for shared option? would my daughter have say in what happens?
the reason I as so worried is that ways of life are propably gonna drastically change. I feel like it all - including my daughters happiness - rests on my shoulders.
I think your right to feel apprehensive as things will change and it will be a hard thing to come to terms with.
But your quality of life now isn't great and your suffering because of it.
Does your daughter have any idea how things are between you and her mum?
Darren
no not really. she made one comment the other day but apart from that nothing.
she will be devastated especially if she doesn't she doesn't have the contact with my mum like she has now.
things seem so weighted towards my partner.
you mention quality of life - yes it isn't great at the moment but it will probably worsen.
the house stuff doesn't bother me that much its when I think about the impact on my daughter and others' lives I get upset.
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