[Solved] Trying to see my child

Hi AVH1999,

Welcome to the forum - I have moved your post over to the Legal Eagle board as I think it is better positioned here.

First of all mate - we try not to be judgemental with our community members here. What has happened is in the past, the fact that you are now trying to build a relationship now is a good thing.

First of all you need to think about getting everything above board - have you been paying any maintenance to your ex ? If not you need to get this sorted (I know, I know sorry to bring up the "M" word). Maintenance and access have no connection - however, you should be helping to provide for your daughter and this is a tough one when you and your ex have such a strained relationship.

I will get the Children's Legal Centre to pop by and give you some Child law legal advice.

However in the meantime you need to prove to your ex that you are back for the long haul not another short term thing until the going gets tough again. The one thing worse that not having your dad around is having a dad who is constantly coming back and then disappearing again. That will kill your daughters self esteem.

Your ex is trying to protect your daughter - you need to prove to her that you have your daughters best interests at heart. Remember access is the right of the child not a parents right. Your ex is the resident parent and I believe that gives her the right , without a court order in place, to control access.

As your only contact at this point is via email - I would send your phone number to your ex and see if she is willing to call you to talk things through.

We will be able to give you some more practical advice after the CLC have given you some Legal advice.

But things will be better if you and your ex are able to sort things out without getting the courts involved. The courts should be used only as a last resort.

I hope this is of some help. One other bit of advice is that you should keep your head and not getting into a slanging match - remember you both want the same thing, whatever is in the best interests of your daughter.

Gooner

Thanks for your advice.

I have been paying child support although not through the CSA, I also pay for all my daughter's swimming, dancing, acting and summer school activities plus even paid for some of the household bills.

My ex also has had my phone number since the first letter back January last year. I do agree with what you are saying about emotionally protecting our daughter and do appreciate her efforts with doing this but i still feel that waiting for 19 months to obtain regular visitation is over zealous.

I would like to thank you for not judging me as i know the guilt i will have for the rest of my life is enough.

we don't judge here - none of us are perfect - some less so than others 😉

Sounds like your paying your way - could your ex still harbouring resentments from how your relationship broke down ?

May be worth pointing out that you both need to move on and try to find a place where you can function as parents even though your not a couple. That you both need to put to one side your differences and work together for the good of your daughter. Somewhere along the lines you were able to agree maintenance so why not visitation.

Babelfish i think you are right.

There seems to be an air in what she says that makes me think she still has some feelings as on all the visits i have been able to get have always been with the 3 of us.

I can promise you that i have NEVER gave that impression and hopefully it is me that is making something out of nothing. ❓

Dear AVH1999,

Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre.

It is correct that as the resident parent the mother does have the ability to control contact whilst there are no court orders in place, but she should do this with your daughter’s best interests in mind and try to be reasonable regarding this.

Initially it would be reasonable that contact is limited to allow a relationship to build between you and your daughter, however this would usually be with the view to increasing once your daughter was comfortable with you.

If you feel that an adequate amount of time has passed and your relationship with your daughter has developed to this extent, then the first step is to attempt to negotiate further contact with the mother.

As the mother seems unwilling to negotiate with you at present, it may be appropriate to suggest mediation. This allows you both to meet with an impartial third party and attempt to reach an agreement that you are both happy with. You can contact National Family Mediation on 01392 271610.

As there has been some negotiation and agreement in the past this may be a suitable option for you.
The mediation service may also contact the mother and explain their purpose to her if you provide them with her email address. Unfortunately the mother is not required to provide you with further contact details unless she wishes to do so or is ordered to by a court, although it is usually thought reasonable that a telephone number is provided, and a court would often also provide an address depending on the circumstances if the matter were to get that far.

If the mother does not agree to mediation, or does not respond to your requests, then the remaining option will be to make an application to court for a contact order. This should be a last resort and only done when the parents can not reach an agreement that they are happy with.

If it did get to this stage, then the court would consider all the circumstances of the case, and hear the arguments of yourself and the mother. They may also appoint a CAFCASS officer to speak with your daughter and gain her opinions on this.

Once the court have heard all the facts they would decide what contact to grant you based on what they believe to be in the best interests of your daughter. The courts are generally in favour of children having contact with both parents and contact is granted in the majority of cases. Any order issued by the court is legally binding on the mother and she is expected to comply with it and may be penalised if she does not.

However, we would advise that it is best to suggest mediation prior to considering court action.

We hope this information is useful to you. Should you require further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.

Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre.