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Hi There,
We could really use some advice regarding access to my Husband's daughter. We pay his Ex by direct debit every month without fail. We pay the amount that has been set by the CSA but she keeps asking for more money. In addition to this, my Husband's daughter is not allowed to bring any of her clothes from home with her when she stays at our house. She comes every weekend 1 night one week and 2 nights the next week and so on.
We have to buy my husband's daughter clothes regularly to keep at our house as well as paying her mother every month. Periodically, my husband's Ex-Wife asks for extra money towards this or that which she has had to pay out for. When we tell her that we pay her regularly and so this should be contribution enough, she then threatens to refuse access.
We are now again in the position whereby she has asked for extra money this week for school uniform. We have said no, explaining that we have recently had to buy a lot of new clothes for my husband's daughter to keep at our house and we pay her regularly so we will not be making any extra payments. She has now said that if this is going to be the case then my Husband's daughter cannot come to our house as per the weekend arrangement unless we take clothes with us when we go to pick her up.
She just refuses to understand that the money we give her each month should be used for the child and so we have already contributed to anything that she has to buy. The amount we pay each month is almost £250 and we feel that this is a reasonable figure that the CSA have set. We shouldn't have to buy extra clothes for her to have at our house but none the less, we do just to keep the peace.
My question is how can it be that we stick to the arrangemens for contact and financial support to the letter but she can get away with using her child as a porn whenever she feels like she wants some extra cash. Is there anything that we can do to make sure that she cannot restrict access? It is breaking our hearts, my husband 's daughter's heart especially because she absolutely idolises her dad and is so upset when she cannot see him. It breaks our heart having to see her so upset. She is 11 and she has previously been so distraught that she has sent her dad emails litterally begging him to pay her mum more money so that she will be allowed to come to our house. I am really concerned about how much this is effecting her emotionally.
My husband and I have both tried talking to his Ex amicably but she will only converse in a tactical sence and is often very abusive, shouting or sending abusive text messages. She also tells her daughter exactly what she thinks of us. My husband refrains from confronting her most of the time through fear that she will ban him completely from seeing his daughter and so he just does as she demands which gives her more fuel to make future demands.
What can we do to stop his daughter being used like this?
Hi and welcome. Unfortunately, what you have said is all too familiar on here 🙁
The first thing I'd clarify - you mention that your husband pays his ex directly as set by the CSA. Is this a private agreement using the CSA calculation, or is it arranged through the CSA? If it's a private arrangement, then he MUST make sure that the payment clearly states "child maintenance", otherwise if his ex goes to the CSA, they may well disregard the payments - it has been done before.
Unfortunately, his ex is doing what a fair number of PWCs do, which is to withhold (or threaten to do so) unless they get more money. You are quite correct that the maintenance he pays is to cover everything - keeping a set of clothes as you are doing is the best compromise, but ultimately if she keeps threatening to withhold contact, then you are going to have to face (assuming that mediation won't succeed) the possibility of going for a contact order if she does restrict contact. It's worth reading the sticky topics at the top of the legal eagle section on self representation to see what is involved - it's possible that if his ex realises that he's prepared to go to court, then she might not be so willing to try this tactic.
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