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Hi guys
If you read my very long rambly post yesterday you'll know that the whole situation is quite complicated and nasty.
Long story short if you haven't - I'm a non resident Mum, I agreed to my daughter living with her Dad two years ago. She has now started school and i am wanting half of school holidays, And to pick her up from school on the fridays she comes to me for the weekend.
Ex is refusing despite agreeing at the time she went to live with him and promising we would increase contact.
Last time he used an awful lot of random things against me which were ignored by the judge - He kept having to be told to stop bringing things up that weren't relevant and that he cannot print a sheet of one sided text messages and expect them to be proof of my parenting - Especially when he had cut half of some of the messages out to make them look worse than they were and in a different context than what they were said.
Anyway, During the 2 years since we have had 3 major disagreements.
One being when he decided to contact me to tell me he was in a relationship. I was angry that he was contacting me whilst i was having contractions prematurely (32 weeks pregnant) and i sent him back a load of pretty foul mouthed abuse, and called him and his new girlfriend a variety of colourful names. I did apologise for this later - He knew the condition i was in, TBH, i think he purposely picked this time to get a response. This was in october 2011. I could probably get proof of my condition if i had to as i was admitted to hospital and i gave birth at 34 weeks again.
The second being when he told me he had gotten married. I wasn't angry about him getting married - I was slightly annoyed that i still had no knowledge of what this woman even looked like. I decided to contact her myself with the intention of congratulating her on the wedding, And found some pictures of my daughter she had posted, referring to her as 'hers' and saying how much she looks like her. OBviously i was hurt by this. And i made a stupid threat. I was angry, and i admit i was in the wrong. I did apologise at length later on. I have never acted on anything like this and it was a stupid thing in the heat of the moment.
The third being in may - We had an argument at the hospital. He was treating me like [censored] as usual, and he knocked me over. I shoved my bag at him. He claims i assaulted him and claims the hospital back up that i was violent (Although they didnt at the time? They would have thrown me out if i were being violent surely?) and he put on a big show for the staff as usual and even cried saying he was afraid of me (Really? I am 8 stone, 5ft6 and could hardly walk... he is 6ft3 and can pick me up in one arm... What was i gonna do?).
Other communications, TBH, I am quite blunt. He is overly formal with me and treats me like [censored] in person. I have no patience for him and i tend to just say what i'm thinking now. He has accused me of harrassing him and being abusive and threatens legal action - However, I've not spoken to him since may? His parents do hand over because i can no longer handle being near him out of fear of what [censored] he's going to pull next. So i'm really unsure how he's coming to the conclusion that i am harrassing him, And abuse... Well, i'm sharp tongued but i'm not abusive. The way he goes on would have you think i am mailing him hate mail every two minutes - I only every get sharp with him when he's behaving like an [censored] and has decided to yet again pull some horrible stunt on me leaving me upset and stressed.
Can he actually use anything like this though against me to prevent me from being granted what i want? Or will he have to stick to things relevant to our daughter only? The only thing in the last 2 years that is relevant to my daughter is the incident at hospital - But even if they believe him, is one incident going to stop me? The only problems at hand over have been caused by his mum assaulting me once after flying in to a rage and accusing me of not looking after my daughter (Reason being that there was a stain on her car seat, and some mud in my car - I had 3 horses of course there was mud in my car? Only in the passenger side though). Stupidly i didn't report it to the police, My other half witnessed it, So did his Dad but obviously his Dad isn't going to admit it (He's denied it since in front of me). My mum and her partner saw the marks on my arm though and that she had hurt my back.
He also caused two arguments at handover - No idea why because he had no one with him so there is no evidence there ever was a disagreement, He randomly started accusing me of trying to take my daughter back and attacking him (This was the week before he told me he was in a relationship, i couldn't have attacked him if i tried, i was heavily pregnant). He started shouting for my mum.
So yeah, IS any of this going to actually be relevant? He really has nothing else to go on, unless he starts making accusations and false allegations relating to my care of my daughter - Which 1) Surely he will be questioned on why in 2 years he has made no complaints to social services, no complaints to me (Apart from a short list of random things he was imediately shown to be wrong on or lying about) and no attempt to seek any sort of intervention whatsoever and 2) I have professionals visiting me in my home (Midwife does all home visits) who have never raised concerns over my children and i have spoken to social services when i've needed help with two things who have no concerns over me.
Your ex sounds exactly like my ex, except she wont even let me have any contact with my daughter, and I have not seen her since she was 3.5 weeks old, she will be one later this month.
Wednesday I was in court, agreed to let her mother be in court as she had no representation, also it was to get her infront of the magistrates. It worked as she had a break down and threw old allegations about me have already be proven to be false and new allegations about me for good measure. And a bonus of her mother throwing foul mouthed abuse at me too.
Her mother will not be allowed in next time tho.
In an e-mail response from my solicitor yesterday, I was instructed by her that 'Certainly if Miss XXXXX is making accusations, she will have to have evidence to support these. If there is no evidence, the Court cannot rely up on them.'
So it is upto my ex to prove to the court that the allegations are founded, if there isnt any then it wil be thrown out, and I wuld think the magistrates will inform her that what she is doing is slander and deffamation of my character.
I still feel that I have to prove my innocence, and I am gladly doing so. I am building my case not against her but her accusations, with references and also asking the correct questions regarding her allegations about myself and the so called knock on effects that she says has happened. She has stated something specific has had to be done, so I wll be asking her to prove that, which should be simple if what she has stated is true. If you get what I mean.
But it is on your ex to prove that you have done wrong, if he can not then it will be thrown out.
My honest opinion is get yourself over to Mumsnet……….they would probably be better placed to help you in how best to deal with your ex from a females/mothers point of view and I’m pretty sure will give you a whole host of ways to fight your case in court better against a man.
Oh right. Ok. I won't post here again then. Sorry. I've been on mumsnet before. I was looking for people who've been in my position. Mumsnet tends to be full of Mums. Who usually aren't in this position.
I will find somewhere else though.
I'd aviod mumsnet like the plauge bitter and twisted harridens if I ever seen any have seen threads/posts on theire where they "advise" mums to withhold contact etc, They need gassing and soon!
You have to understand Missie, there are a lot of Dads here that have had a very raw deal from the mothers of their children, Dad-I-d has fought for years to see his son and has suffered terribly at the hands of his ex.
Anyone that needs help will get a fair hearing here and help by any members that feel able., but I think it is inevitable that you will get the occasional cool response, I urge you not to take it personally.
In our defence I would say that if a father in your position posted on Mumsnet the way you have here he would be hounded out and vilified.
Nannyjane - TBH I'd rather just have my profile removed i think, but i don't know how. I was really hoping for some help and advice. Not to be patronised and told to go away to mumsnet.
I'm in the same position as a lot of the men here. I feel quite upset. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with other Mums - Believe me they don't treat me any better than they'd treat a man over on Mumsnet, I've asked for advice there before - And apparently i don't fit in with Dads who are in the same position as me either.
But whatever, Ya know. Nothing new there. Maybe it was a bit silly to expect men to be any better than women are. Or to expect people to do the same as me. I'd never tar all men with the same brush just because my ex treats me like he does.
I suppose i wasn't expecting to have it done it me.
Don't think the hormones help either. I feel really lonely and shut off at the moment.
I dont think anything is meant with malice only advice to help your case to see your child more. Other site may be better suited to your specific needs. The key thing is neither parent should deny contact unless there is an obviating circumstance. I wouldnt weigh too much towards a text as everything is circumstantial. All it will demonstrate is the high level of animosity of both parties.
Why is he restricting your access? Have you tried mediation to see if you can work on this?
Failing that consider going back to court stating the information. Ultimately, the courts ought to consider the childs needs and that they need both parents in their life.
Good luck
He won't agree to mediation, And even if he did he'd come straight out and go back on anything agreed.
I've been on Mumsnet before and they don't help, They are mostly unable to understand why a child would be living with their dad and think i should get her back with me 'because she should be with her mother' or that i am lying and the only possible reason for her living with her dad is because i've had her taken from me - I don't really like the insinuation that men can only ever be the main carer as a last resort.
I don't really know why he is restricting and refusing school holidays. When i asked before the reasons he gave were;
That i smoked (I haven't smoked for a long time)
That she didn't have her own bed to sleep in (She does, I sent back a picture of her asleep in her own bed).
That my dog had fleas and they had bitten her. I didn't actually have a dog at the time - My mum did but they are al hairless so definitely no fleas! When i said 'I've only ever seen one rash on her' (Which was from a new bubblebath and i told him about it when he picked her up) he claimed it only ever appeared the day after he picked her up, And then when i said 'send me a picture of the rash' it miraculously stopped happening.
The only thing he says since that is that he is not willing to change our arrangements and that he never will be.
I'm going to go back to court. He brings up things i've said in the past though and i wondered if anyone would actually listen to him moaning about arguments from years ago.
If you goto court your need a FM1 form signed which is that you at least attended mediation.
If those are his allegations you should not have too much to worry about, children need both their parents.
Are your dogs hairless.....never met a bald dog. Most animals do have fleas
Parents concerns should be listened to no matter how trivial or true one party perceives it to be.
BW
Hello Missie,
As Boycie has said I'm sure there was no malicious intent. I'm sorry if you feel that you don't fit in anywhere and I don't want you to think that you are not welcome here. We have other female members and our advice is not conditional.
Your problems are the same as many here, ex partners that are manipulative and refusing or making contact very difficult. Actd has already given you some advice and I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences with you.
With a baby due in December I think it might be wise to gather your information about how to move forward rather than trying to deal with it right now. Once the baby is born and things have settled down then you can implement what you have learnt. We will of course do our best to support you in the same way as we do for all of our members.
Missie,
just as an idea, try asking this as a dad on a forum. Seeing as its the majority of men that are in your position, the answer will matter in the same way.
I would be interested to know the answer as I am in a similar situation as a dad, although I have never done anything wrong, but was accused and arrested several times, but never charged as she was lying. I know that she will bring this up in the court.
Hi Alan,
it can and will be used against you - but the mere fact someone makes an allegation is not definitive of the event occurring. Contrary to this, if no further action was taken it is more likely to be false and a product of the mothers hostility.
Hi Missie
I have replied to your other posts treating you as a parent - I think generally we do that on here anyway, it's just that most parents on here happen to be dads - so I would encourage you to continue posting on here and we'll give you the best advice we can. We have certainly given other mums advice on here, and occasionally, we have told dads that they are wrong in their attitude. We try to give advice on the information we are given, and as far as I'm concerned, that applies equally to both mums and dads - after all, the person we are trying to get the best deal for is the child.
I just wanted to say that I didn’t actually mean for my reply to be taken as it seems to have been…..i had thought that a “mothers” site would have better information on from a “mothers” perspective….this is only really based on my personal opinion of the majority of contributions to this site and questions from fathers.
I would not have expected you to take offence so please accept my apologies on this if you did take offence.
Hi D-i-d
I think those of us who have been on here a while know that your intentions are genuine 🙂
Perhaps wasn't the best way to put your view, but then I've been guilty of a few howlers as well :boohoo:
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