Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: We are not open to new posts at this time
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Firstly Hi to everyone,
I have an eleven year old son whom I have had contact with since birth, I split up with my partner around 7 years ago. Since then I have had regular contact with him staying at least two nights a week which were verbally agreed but very rarely just the two nights as the ex likes her socialising, on average at the start it would be around 3-4 nights. The last 3-4 years that average has moved up to around 5 nights a week, the problem being I was happy for the ex to keep getting the child benefit and single parent tax credit just to keep the peace, he's also registered at her address with the school and doctors.
We have a house in joint names which we've owned for 9 years although she never fully moved into or contributed to it, I stay in it. Last year I was given the ultimatum of sorting the house out and offering a sum of money for her half, I've since sought legal advice and I'm in the process of getting this attended to. As I knew things would probably become nasty I started to keep a diary of when my son stayed starting from 1st Nov last year and because of the involvement of my lawyer over the property she started to stop my son seeing me, it went from 20 days/nights in Nov to 17 days/nights in Dec and has been 8 in January so far.
I received a phonecall from the CSA out of the blue stating that she now will not allow any contact at all and she also phoned my solicitor to say the same.
On average I'd say I've had him around 80% of last year, the month of July being the worst as she only had him to stay 1 night and I had to tell her mother to have a word with her.
My problem is I have no proof apart from maybe my own parents to say that he has stayed with me that much.
He's being used as a tool to get to me at the moment but does she have the right? and would the court consider me as the main carer or do they just look at the paperwork?
Thanks in advance
hi Fisher - are we right in thinking the contract arrangement has been purely voluntary up until now?
Diary sounds like a great idea
I'd wait for the Dadtalk legal experts to give you some thoughts
hi Fisher - are we right in thinking the contract arrangement has been purely voluntary up until now?
Diary sounds like a great idea
I'd wait for the Dadtalk legal experts to give you some thoughts
Thanks for the reply Buz, yes it was arranged for me to have him 2 nights a week verbally between ourselves but as mentioned it very rarely was only 2 nights a week.
Well fisher it might sound weird but ur post must have lodged in my subconcious cos I seem to have spent half the night trying to find some solutions / possible avenues...... Anyway less about my strangeness..
Two thoughts :
1. To put in writing to her the fact that you are confused as to why she has suddenly changed the arrangements, asking why that is and your desire to quickly return back to them. You could say something about believing it to be in you sons best interest to have a relationship with both biological parents and that you respect her role in their life as mum, but would ask she continue to faciliate you in your role as dad. You could use this to put in writing your perception of the contact arrangements over the last year or so - ie just mention it, don't labour it, but by putting in writing you are beginning to establish it as 'fact' in case this does go to court. I guess overall the letter should be polite and positive about the childrens best interest and returning to contact whilst asking for clarification on why the sudden change - unless you already know wh??
2. Explore whether mediation is a route forward. Would save you going to court and again would be good if the request for mediation came from you,.... The National Family Mediation site should be helpful.
3. Let me know whether the above helps or I might not ever have restful sleep again!!!!!!!
Thanks again Buz, I'll give the letter a try.
Today is the first Saturday I've never had him staying and it's pretty hard.
I think mediation is the first step and I'll get onto that on Monday.
Hey that's tough, sounds like you should get out and do something bro to take ur mind off it... Look after urself today!
Hey fisher - how's it going? Did you manage to distract urself on the weekend? Also what happened re mediation etc - get any further? Keep in touch - been on my mind!!
Thanks Buz, I never got to see him over the weekend but I did get an apology and was told things would go back to normal this week which it has as he stayed the other night.
I've left the mediation for the moment because I dont want her playing the games again but as soon as the house is sorted out I'm getting something in writing stating which days he gets to stay.
The reason I asked the initial question is because he has been staying far more with me than he has the ex, checking my diary over 5 months he's stayed 22,25,21,22 days with me and July he stayed one night with her. I find it really strange that she can call the shots when it comes to contact but I suppose that's the nature of the beast.
I'm back to two nights a week which after reading some horror stories on here, I should be thankful for.
Thanks actd I fully intend to, the problem being now though is that the ex knows about it so she's going out her way to keep him away except on the agreed days when before if she had work or wanted to go out I was only a phonecall away to take my son, she's now phoning friends or family.
She will have a hard time explaining her actions to a court, and I can't see that they would be too pleased.
Goota agree with Actd on the diary - its a long term game.
Glad to hear things have settled back down thou - felt gutted for u on Saturday mate.
I'd wait for the Dadtalk legal experts to give you some thoughts
Buzz - Unfortunatley as Fisher already has a solicitor the Corams Childrens Legal Centre are unable to offer him any advice on the forum.
I'd wait for the Dadtalk legal experts to give you some thoughts
Buzz - Unfortunatley as Fisher already has a solicitor the Corams Childrens Legal Centre are unable to offer him any advice on the forum.
Hi Gooner, I fully understand the reasons they couldn't give advice (although my lawyer is only involved in the legal side of the property dispute) but if I asked a hypothetical question on say someone with similar circumstances to mine would they be willing to answer?
The situation is starting to become ridiculous now. The ex is away for the night tonight and my son is staying with her mother (whereas it would usually be me) who lives across the road, literally (He's actually piggybacking off my wifi on his Ipod it's that close) He's just off the phone (which he had to smuggle into his room)crying, saying he's missing me and wanting to stay but he's been told he's not allowed over to mine because of the diary. In the past he'd come to mine after school but is now being picked up by her mother and intentionally kept away from me and told not to contact me unless it's on the two agreed days. This is really starting to effect him, he told me on the phone tonight "I'll sneak round tomorrow dad" but had to check his Grandma wasn't listening before he said it. This can't be good for the boy and certainly isn't good for me.
Check my answer below - just click on the spoiler warning.
If you were to call their helpline and not mention that you have a solicitor - then they would be none the wiser. 🙂
You will find contact details at the bottom of the page :silly: just click on their logo in our partner section.
Call em fisher!! But pls take some notes and post their advice for the rest of us
Keep ur chin up mate
Yeah keep us posted mate. You're now part of the DadTalk community so you have to let us know how it's all going - its the second rule of DadTalk..........the first rule of DadTalk is always talk about DadTalk. ;;)
haha love it - of course you are...
Did you see the footie and the weekend btw??? :).
Not seen Ron on here lately but surprised he hasn't been gloating!!
Lol, I am Buz but first and foremost I'm a Hibby which brings me to my next problem, I'm Scottish and so do not qualify for advice from the Childrens Legal Centre, always a hurdle, lol
I'm not with you mate but for the record I'm astounded at the amount of time you've put in and for that I'm truly thankful
Mate ur worth it!
Ur first post just grabbed my attention - u sound like a great dad having a hard time, and let's face it, that's why I love this forum - chattin to blokes like u
My prev post was just suggesting you travel south of the border so you qualified for the free advice!!
No worries, you seem to have a great handle on what to do next - hopin we can give u some support and encouragement to press on in this season.
Keep us posted
Buzz
Ok Fisher no problems - Scotland have their own version of the Coram Childrens Legal Centre. 8)
They are called The Scottish Child Law Centre their website is here and their telephone number is 0131 667 6333.
Just pop back and tell us what they say mate.
Gooner
Thanks for the number Gooner, I've since been in contact with them and spoke to a trainee lawyer who was very helpful. He suggested I go for parental rights firstly as because of my sons age I have none at the moment. He doesn't envisage any problems on me being granted the rights as I've had constant contact with him. He seemed to understand the situation and suggested a few options one being my son filling a form in, in privacy, stating that he's happy staying with either parent and how some of the issues are effecting him and what can be done to resolve them. This can then be shown to the court and the contents taken into consideration.
I'm getting called back next week from someone more qualified and I'll post the outcome after I talk with them.
We’re taking a break for the bank holiday weekend
Thanks for visiting DAD.info!
