Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: We are not open to new posts at this time
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I have 2 children aged 12 & 9 to my ex partner,we seperated 8 years ago,were never married & only lived together for a short while.
I was left with a mountain of debt which i have since cleared with no help what so ever from ex.
All through our life together my ex-"mother-in-law" was a very difficult & nasty person who was ultimately responsible for my ex leaving & moving back to live with her.
I have always paid maintenance through the CSA,initially started be myself & not my ex so I could atleast try to have some control over it (as ex is on the benifit cash-go-round & is far better off than me).
I am married now & for the first time totally happy & content & have a fantastic life.
I am in a constant "fight" with my ex over time I spend with my children.
I have never seen my children on christmas day (my time always has to be day after boxing day),my time at birthdays is either day before or day after,the list is exhausting.
I have tried to stay away from the court arena as ex would get legal aid & would knowingly drag things out if she thought it would cost me money,but any attempts to talk rationally result i her going off on one as she really believes that she is doing nothing wrong.
All I want is to spend good quality time & have good,fun times with my children however my ex constantly picks & drops any arrangements that have been made.
We had a major issue with my eldest not attending school last year,he missed 9 months,down to "school phobia".
The problem had gone on for 7 months and it was only a slip of the tongue that brought it to my attention.
I eventually got involved with the school & doctors & with my intervention got him back to school,tough love,very upsetting but had to be done,doctors said that was the problem with ex that had resulted in him refusing school.
I was thanked by the school & doctors but all I got from my ex was sarcasm & more upset.
The latest epsiode & reason for my post is I had booked a famliy holiday (with my ex so called blessing) last year & were due to go 4 weeks time.
Last week my ex "mother-in-law" died & my ex has informed me on saturday that she has booked to take children on holiday 2 days before we were due to go.
I booked our holiday taking into account not to be away for eldest childs birthday this does'nt seem to be any issue where i'm concerned.
Appologies for the rambling post i'm just at my wits end & i love my children to bits & don't know which way to turn.
I would appreciate if anyone can advise what i should do for the best outcome.
Mate it sounds like your only choice is legal. Anything less and your x will always play the upper hand. Are you named on their Brith certificate as dad? It makes a huge differnace.
Thanks for reply.
Yes i am named on both certificates,was at both births & both children have my surname.
What has stopped me going down legal route is that they could set in place everything in the world but she has a knack of playing the emotional "don't worry about me i'll be fine on my own" card that always makes the kids (especially my eldest son) stop & question what they are doing because they feel their mam is unhappy.
The courts could put everything in place but if they can't stop that i'm losing every time.
What has stopped me going down legal route is that they could set in place everything in the world but she has a knack of playing the emotional "don't worry about me i'll be fine on my own" card that always makes the kids (especially my eldest son) stop & question what they are doing because they feel their mam is unhappy.
The courts could put everything in place but if they can't stop that i'm losing every time.
HI Buddy.
just to say on the above issue that you really need to do the tough love thing with them again. That whole sense of emotional abuse that your x is using is not on and you need to empower the kids to stand up to her. Its abuse.
You sound, from the stuff you did with the school, that you have a good head on your shoulders and can come up with ways forward. I would encourage you to talk to them, esp the boy and ask how he feels about it when his mum says this kind of stuff. Talk to the school, who sound like they are on your side! Talk to the Dr again to as emotional abuse could lead to depression etc and the Dr may have some advice or be able to sign post you on. I know i keep using the emotional abuse phrase but dude it is!
If you go down the legal road you might actually empower your kids to see they have a choice. Plus your x will have the opportunity to have her say during the process and your kids will see that. They will also see that actually she WILL BE OK and they can NOT WORRY ABOUT HER, she's a grown adult. They might see the courts ruling as a rubber stamp that she can cope without them and they can alway trump her with "but its the courts ruling we have to go see dad!" 😉
Thank you my friend.
I will take on board what you have said & will start the ball rolling.
Just to let you know i have contacted a solicitor last night & arranged to sort things out.
It is to late to stop the holiday issue & anyway if it meant taking the children against their wishes i would'nt want that.
The solicitor has agreed to start things once the holidays are over.
Thanks again for your advice.
Hi dad1969
Let us know how things go. And we hope that you manage to still get some time with the kids this summer. 😛
Just to let you know i have contacted a solicitor last night & arranged to sort things out.
It is to late to stop the holiday issue & anyway if it meant taking the children against their wishes i would'nt want that.
The solicitor has agreed to start things once the holidays are over.Thanks again for your advice.
It will probably be a long slog, and unfortunately, not cheap. I would suggest that you start gathering up all records into a coherent state, financial, emails and anything else you can think of - you want everything to hand and oganised for your solicitor - his time is expensive and you don't want to waste his time and your money asking for stuff that you could have had prepared beforehand. Your solicitor will be the expert in law, but YOU are the expert on YOUR circumstances - make sure you can pass on that expertise as efficiently as possible.
- Samaritans – call 116 123
- Shout – text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258
