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There are a fair few things that are worrying me as a father. First of all, I want to point out that I am technically not the primary carer, as I am meant to have my daughter 6 nights in a fortnight, instead of the original agreement of 7. Although with the amount her mother changes her mind and gives her to me last minute, between the start of January and the end of March, I have had my daughter 54 nights out of 84.
There are several issues that concern me, most of all, my childs safety when she is with her mother.
First of all, the clothing that my daughter arrives in. More often than not, the clothing that she comes to me in is inappropriate for the weather/temperature and commonly 6 to 9 months or 9 to 12 months in size, not so much since she arrived in the 3-6 months baby grow and i had a word with her mother . She's nearly 20 months, and if I'm not mistaken, the clothing should be 18-24 months in size.
Secondly, when she is with her mother, she is placed infront of the TV with either CBeebies or Pocoyo with no mental or physical stimulation for up to hours on end.This comes from a reliable source, in the form of her mothers ex boyfriend, whom they lived with for 5 months. Also, with her mother having to go to college for 2 of the days that my daughter is with her, she is generally passed from pillar to post and generally to people who have no experience with kids, and I fear they are being less than attentive too.
Thirdly, I know that her mother is an active cannabis user. I went to her old house to collect some of the clothes for my daughter that should have been at my house. As I entered the house, I was greeted with the overwhelming stench of cannabis. To put it into context, it's like when you fly from England to the Middle East, and as you get of the plane, you're hit by a wall of heat. It was that exact same sensation, but with cannabis. The house that my daughter and her mother now live in is a shared property, with three housemates, two of which I know are regular cannabis users themselves. In this case, I fear that my daughters mothers cannabis use will increase, and that my daughter will be subjected to passive smoking, as her bedroom is next door to one of the cannabis smokers. I should also point out that her mother has a history of drug use, and is partial to Cocaine and used to be a regular, heavy cocaine user. I am unaware as to whether she still uses anything other than Cannabis.
Fourthly, it was my understanding that maternal instinct allowed a person to pick up on the slightest wrong thing with their child?
If this is the case, why was my daughter sent to me, at the beginning of an illness, that her mother hadn't even noticed?
There are two separate occasions where this could have been useful to know, rather than being made out to be the bad guy.
The first of these two occasions, my daughter came to me with an elevated temperature and i noticed that her fluid intake had increased. After getting her home, I changed her nappy as I would usually, and noticed that her nappies were almost completely liquid. Naturally, i kept an eye on her throughout dinner and the rest of the evening. As i put her to bed, I was giving her a cuddle and she vomited over my shoulder. Once she had been cleared up, i noticed a nasty smell from her nappy. Liquid again.SO my mother (A midwife) and I took her to the emergency GP at the local hospital the next morning and it was confirmed D&V. All of that could have been avoided if her mother had picked up on an elevated temperature.
The second occasion was about a week after the D&V, when I collected her again. Again, running nose, elevated temperature and fluid intake was increased to which her mother said "She's just got a bit of a runny nose". Within an hour of picking my daughter up, My girlfriend noticed my daughter shivering in the living room, whilst I was in the kitchen sorting her dinner. The shivering wasn't caused by being cold, as the house has central heating and is kept at 20 to 21 degrees Celsius. I was called through, felt my daughters temperature and she was roasting hot and had goosebumps and was shivering, quite violently. Added to this, was a distinct wheezing sound coupled with shallower than normal breathing.
I took appropriate steps to keep her cool and comfortable, and took her to the doctors first thing the next morning. Lo and behold, she had a rip roaring throat infection and was placed on amoxicillin suspension, which had to be disguised with yoghurt so that my daughter would take it. Upon returning her to her mother, i mentioned that I had to disguise the amoxicillin, to which she replied that she didn't have to disguise any medication as our daughter took medicine for her mother without fuss.
To this she added that if our daughter saw the Calpol and wasn't given any, she would cry and throw a paddy, as she saw it as a treat.
This i find the most worrying part. With regards to the illnesses, I acknowledge that the symptoms may have only appeared in the time I had my daughter, however since the symptoms were very obvious and severe within the first hour, it stands to reason that the illnesses had developed, with particular reference to the throat infection, whilst my daughter was with her mother.
I apologise for the length of this post, but it was necessary to get the detail in.
I have provided a word document with past, recent and current issues, with regards to this whole situation. It has been compiled by my girlfriend and is written from her perspective. She has only been around me and my daughter 7 months.
The past stuff was bad enough that she was told by myself and my close friends. Recent and Current events are what she has witnessed.
Hi Matt 🙂
I understand how upsetting it is for you to have such concerns for your daughter. Your girlfriend sounds really supportive which must be a comfort for you.
Some of the issues you have about your daughters care although not ideal wouldnt be classed as enough to change the mothers status as the primary carer. You might be surprised to learn that cannabis use isnt a good enough reason either! As my son found out recently, the mother of his child was raided by police and 33 plants found in my grandsons bedroom...the bedroom he used when he spent the weekends with his mother as my son was granted custody in 09/2011. Have a look back at my posts and you will see the extent of the mothers neglect of her children and yet she still has custody of her other child! What we consider as neglect and abuse will often be viewed by the authorities in a lesser light.
Some of the things you talk about would be classed as hearsay as there is no proof. The illnesses would be argued as the normal types of illness that smal children pick up. The too small clothes a common complaint on here but not a consideration in the scheme of things. The only thing that might get a reaction would be her Cocaine use and if that could be proven through hair follicle tests then the other issues might take on a different context
What do you want to achieve as far as your daughter is concerned? As you have her the majority of the time I rather think you would like to go for Residency of her? If this is the case then you have made a good start by logging the events. I advise everyone that embarks on legal proceedings to keep a Diary and log absolutely everything. The problem with sharing your concerns with agencies such as Childrens Services is that this may upset the mother and you might find she denies you contact altogether. At least with your daughter being with you such a lot, you know she is being looked after properly whilst with you.
There are some that consider keeping the child and not giving them back to the mother. If you have Parental Responsibility then this might be possible. The trouble is that police forces in different areas seem to have different protocols. If you were contemplating this kind of action I would strongly advise you to contact the police and discuss with them all of your concerns and safeguarding issues, and ask that if you were to keep hold of your daughter because of the risks and drug use going on around her would they be able to take her off you and return her to the mother if she contacted them. As well as calling the police you would also call Childrens Services and discuss all of your concerns and you plan to keep her and apply for Residency.
If this action is taken its really important to follow it up immediately, like the same day, with an emergency application for Residency at your local Family Court. This would cost you £200 and you will find lots of info about both the C100 form that you would submit to the court to apply for Residency and also a guide to representing yourself.... both stickys can be found at the top of the Legal Eagle section. As entitlement to Legal Aid stopped on the 1st April for Family Law cases, the mother would either have to represent herself in court, or pay huge solicitors costs, usually in the thousands.
I am not advocating the above action concerning keeping hold of your daughter, just giving you as many options to think about as possible. Have you thought about talking to the mother about taking over as primary carer. As you have her well over half of the time and she is at college might it be worth sounding her out on this and suggesting it as a way to help her...giving her as much access as she wants but taking over the day to day care.
I really hope you can find a solution for you and your daughter 🙂
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