[Solved] Whether to apply for a contact order

Hi there and welcome 🙂

The way I see it you have two options....the first is to invite your ex to mediation. This is where you would both attend at a mediation centre, you would attend alone for the initial appointment and go over the issues that you need help with. Then the mediator would write to your ex and invite her to attend, again she would attend on her own for the first time. After that the mediator would set up an appointment where you would both attend and with the guidance of the mediator, discuss the issues and hopefully reach an agreement. Ther is a fee for this service but as you mention you are on a low income you would probably be eligible for help with this. Heres a link ~ www.nfm.org.uk

The second option is to go to court for a defined contact order. Again as you are on a low income, you may well get help with the cost of a solicitor. There are a number of Dads here that have chosen to represent themselves at court and you will find lots of information about that here. At the top of the Legal Eagle section you will find two stickys, one is titled "Contact Order C100 Guide" and is all about the C100 form that you would need to fill in and submit to the court. This costs £200 but you should get help with this charge too. The other sticky is called "A Guide to Representing yourself in Court" and this has loads of useful information about the court process.

As your daughter is 12 and you have a very close bond with her, the courts will take this on board when deciding on the amount of contact. Its worrying that your daughter feels "responsible" for your ex, and the fact that she is an alcoholic may be looked at by the courts. At 12/13 your daughters wishes will also hold a lot of weight, and if she expresses her desire to be allowed to see you regularly and to stay over with you, again that will be taken seriously.

Perhaps you should point out to the ex that a court would order police and social services reports and her drinking would be an issue for the courts. She should know that your daughter will also be interviewed and the whole process of this could be distressing for her. She would be well advised to settle this without court intervention as it could well go against her. Try and do this in a non threatening way and she may listen and do the right thing!

Good luck with it all and keep us posted 🙂

Perhaps you should point out to the ex that a court would order police and social services reports and her drinking would be an issue for the courts. She should know that your daughter will also be interviewed and the whole process of this could be distressing for her. She would be well advised to settle this without court intervention as it could well go against her. Try and do this in a non threatening way and she may listen and do the right thing!

Good luck with it all and keep us posted 🙂

An excellent bit of advice 🙂

Thank you for your advice, however things have now escalated from the sublime to the ridiculous, I should clarify a few points, as I said I am on a low income, however I have made regular payments weekly to my ex for maintenance, I have actually been paying more than required, have bought clothing for my daughter, when I could afford it, and pay for scouts, trips and other activities. Unfortunately due to the nature of my work, I’m a self employed tree surgeon, work has really slowed up and at this moment in time money is very tight, my ex asked me to by my daughter a new skirt for school as she had lost it, I have had to deduct this from the maintenance payment this week as I cannot afford to make a full payment plus the £25 for the dress.

I was supposed to have my daughter on Monday evening, my ex refused to let my daughter come and see me until I told her what maintenance payment I had made, when I explained that I had paid her the balance after taking the amount off for the dress she refused to let her out. I will admit that I was angry and stood outside the flat ringing the buzzer and calling her phone, only because I wanted to speak to my daughter and she was refusing to let me, eventually she let me speak to my daughter but while she stood there and recorded the conversation on her phone!!!?

I must explain my ex is incredibly manipulative and controlling, I had her arrested 2 years ago for assault, this is after years of physical and psychological abuse, the police witnessed how manipulative and controlling she was, she was charged with common assault and was going to be prosecuted by the CPS but I dropped the charges to give her a chance. So on top of her drinking this is the type of individual I have to contend with. Her only interest is to get money out of me, which I don’t have; I am waiting to hear from the CSA as I am fed up being blackmailed by her in order to get to see my daughter. She is now refusing any access to my daughter, because of money.
Previous to this I had written an email to her, using your advice, and just spelt out my concerns at what would happen if we went to court. The reply contained, demands for money that I supposedly owe her, continuous blame for everything that has happened and not conceding anything. I am going to have a battle on my hands, I have been bullied, manipulated and controlled by her for far too long, my daughter is scared to voice her opinion, on the one occasion she did, she wanted to come and stay with me so I picked her up, her mother told her that she would ‘never see her again’, what the [censored] is that about!! How can you say something like that to your child? I love my daughter to bits and want what is best for her, I have always considered her feelings and her wants, I cannot understand how her mother is not. Even now I am going to go for joint custody as I don’t want to put my daughter in the position of making a choice between her parents. How long does the process of applying for a contact order normally take and is there anything else in the meantime which may allow me some access to my daughter. Any further help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

I have just filled out the C100 form in section 9 it asks about risks, as I said before my ex wife has a drinking problem, It says that I need to fill out C1A, as you guys mentioned before the courts could ask for a report on my ex wifes drinking, do I need to fill this out in order to bring this to their attention or can I provide my own statement?

Hi Arktree,

I will ask the Coram Children's Legal Centre to pop by and offer you some advice regarding the C100 Form.

Gooner

Hi Arktree,
Not sure where your living but once it gets sorted and you get access it might be worth speaking to a local housing assoication or the council to see if they can give you a proerty as you will have the child staying overnight I know someone who lost their home due to the recession and due to his kid staying over got a 2 bedroom flat pretty sharpish the rent might be less than your paying just now...food for thought!

Hi Arktree

One comment I would make is that however much provocation you get (and alcoholics know exactly which buttons to press - go to a few meetings of Al-Anon - it might be very helpful), you must not react at all, otherwise you ex may well call the police and that will put you at an immediate disadvantage in court.

...I would complete question 9 and tick the alcohol/drug abuse box, and also include it in your statement. You could also mention the domestic violence as this will be on police file. If you declare the alcohol problem and the previous domestic violence, the judge should ask for testing for alcohol which would be in the form of a blood test that tests for liver function. The judge should also request police reports, and if there has been Social Services involvement in the past, reports from them too.

You could also mention in your statement that your wife uses denial of contact to get money from you and this is detrimental to your daughter as you are very close and she depends upon your emotional support to help her deal with her mothers problems.

Also include in your statement the amount of access you were getting before it went sour, and ask that the same level of contact be reinstated in the form of an interim contact order.

As you are not waiting for Legal Aid to be granted you should get your first hearing quite quickly.

I would advise that you keep a diary of events, keep a record of all communication, especially the txts/emails where she is Make a note of everything that concerns your ex and your daughter, as this will be a helpful resource in court.

Hello Arktree,

The C1A form is the required form in order to outline/highlight any welfare concerns in your contact application to the court. I would advise you to outline in detail your concerns regarding your wife's drinking on the C1A form, and the judge will make a direction at the court hearing if he requires any further statements from you on this issue.

The length of time it takes in order for the court to put in place a final contact order depends on how complicated your case is and how busy your local court is. It may take between 1 and 6 weeks to get a first hearing, and from that point onwards it will go on a case by case basis as to how long it will take before a final contact order is made. You can ask for a temporary or interim contact order to be put in place at the first hearing to provide you with regular contact with the child until the final contact order is made.

Yours sincerely,

Coram Children’s Legal Centre