[Solved] Your thoughts and advice on the following...

Good news on the funding - and it sounds like some progress is being made

Should I ask my solicitor to write to the nursery to request a full accident report for his latest injury? It's a genuine welfare concern, so surely I'm not being out of order given their previous track record?

It's worth asking your solicitor - if there's a reason why not, he'll tell you.

Hi actd,

You've had plenty of experience of CAFCASS. Who do CAFCASS officers generally speak to? I can't imagine that it's limited to me and my ex partner? Do CAFCASS look at things like correspondence? Would the fact that it has so far taken 4 communications from my solicitor just to get a simple answer over something like Christmas arrangements be noticed?

My ex seems to be sticking her head in the sand. I'm trying to be proactive and clear a path to a more positive future, but I don't feel that my ex wants this. I think she wants things to stay exactly how they are. I've been told that she hasn't spoken with her mother in months, because her Mum dared to suggest that my ex hadn't thought anything through and had not dealt with matters as well as she could have. My ex is surrounding herself with people who tell her what she wants to hear, rather than how things are. It's unfortunate, but what can you do?

Wow, a long time since I dealt with Cafcass - as far as I recall, they spoke to me, my ex, my children (with neither parent present) and contacted social services. They also had access to all police reports and witness statements, and was in contact with the detective who was looking into the matter, and also my solicitor. She visited both my home (to make sure that we were doing everything we said we intended to accomodate the children, both short term and long term) and my ex's house (to verify what I had said about their living conditions). She also had access to school reports, and was present during a few contact visits.

I had quite a lengthy chat with the Cafcass officer and voiced all of the problems, so that gave her the basis of anything additional she needed to look into - so in your case, highlight all of the problems you have to him/her and they can then follow it up. I seem to remember being in touch with her throughout her investigation to update her with matters.

Don't forget that the Cafcass officer's job is the welfare of the children, so if you think there is anything pertinent that they should know, then make sure you let them know.

My ex was the same (except of course, she no longer had the children) in surrounding herself with friends (except that one of her friends gave a statement to the police that was quite damning of her - a lucky stroke for me), but the cafcass officer was extremely astute in her investigations.

My son isn't even three years old yet, so I doubt that they'll be taking much time out to speak with him. Would they speak with grandparents and other family members?

You mentioned that CAFCASS had access to school reports, does this mean that they may liaise with my son's nursery?

My ex made various allegations to the police about me after an argument that resulted in my arrest, but I was released without charge. I've subsequently discovered that my ex didn't actually call the police. It was her manager at work. Her place of work being the same nursery our son attends. I had previously reported the nusery to OFSTED after my son was injured due to that same manager's negligence. My complaint was investigated, upheld and published on the OFSTED website. The manager was subsequently given a verbal written warning and, according to my ex, can't stand me as a result...

... this is the only negative thing that my ex could bring up. My solicitor says that the fact the police took no action against me after interview will probably render it a mute point in court and in all likelihood won't be an issue. I still worry about it though!

hi there filmaker,

I was in a similar situation to you recently, when i left my ex i had regular contact with my daughter whos 3, that includes overnight contact also, in fact i think she stayed with me most the time, then about 6 months after we split she announced she was 3 months pregnant and stopped me seeing my daughter, the excuses were lame but i had no option but to start legal proceedings.

I employed a solicitor, then my ex accused me of domestic violence, and like you i got arrested after an argument and was released without charge, the courts asked for the police report. My ex also accused me of being a drunk and a drug user....

The courts demanded that i undergo drug and alcohol testing... my solicitor informed me that this would cost about 1000 pounds plus an extra 200 for accessing my medical records... then he dropped a 3000 pound bill on me...

I told him i cant afford that and told him i no longer wish to use him and that i will be representing myself...

Any way cut a long story short... I passed the drugs test with flying colors and now have unsupervised contact with my daughter for 5 hours every fortnight, this is being reviewed in January so i should be able to get overnight contact.

The good thing is in your case is that you are getting legal aid.. one thing i learned is that mothers falsly accuse the fathers of all sorts to prolong proceedings, but thankfully in my case the courts saw through it (aided by a letter from me) and things are working fine now, and just thought id write to say try not to worry about the police arrest, if anything ask for a copy of the report, it might contain information to help your case 🙂 )

Hi!

Thanks for that! How do I go about obtaining a copy of the police report?

I have to say that the investigating officer was a particularly nasty piece of work, she wasn't doing much investigating and seemed intent on trying to put words in my mouth. Thankfully the duty solicitor piped up every now and again to keep her in check, but it was an awful experience and not what I'd like to repeat. The police arrested me on suspicion of disorderly conduct, common assault and, worse, sexual assault. I couldn't get my head around it. My ex later stated in an email that she hadn't initially made a complaint about sexual assault and insinuated that the investigating officer had encouraged her to make a statement about something that had happened a week earlier. I had put my hands on my ex's hips/top of her buttocks to move her out of the way as I passed her on a staircase on the way up to the toilet. I didn't think anything of it, until during the police interview when I was presented with a version that essentially described me performing some kind of gynological examination! I was livid, but the thing that really upset me was my ex stated that I'd arranged for for her to have an abortion against her will. I mean can you even do that in this day and age???? I think the woman's bonkers with a capital BOING!!!

God I'm going to rant now! Apologies in advance!!! When you think about the past it can make your blood boil!

I instructed my solicitor only after my ex refused to let me have unsupervised contact with my son, stating that I had an anger management problem that would endanger him and that I could only have supervised contact once a month! She made accusations that I was waiting for her outside of her place of work and rubbish like that - although she never came back to us with the dates and times of these sightings when asked (surprise, surprise).

After my solicitor wrote to her initially, she backed down and offered me an overnight every other weekend, but again, we responded that this was unsatisfactory and she increased it to two nights over alternative weekends. Given that I'd agreed a shared residency arrangement with her previously, I told her that I was looking to aquire a shared residency order from the courts, but in the interim I'd accept her terms. To be honest I was sickened by what I felt was a bartering session for my son and just wanted to see him.

The bottom line with my ex is that she's emotional to the point of being nuerotic. The reason we split up is that I didn't want to get married or have another child just yet. She was desperate for another baby. Then, when she realised it wasn't going to happen with me anytime soon, she left. She concieved within 3 weeks of leaving.

She's cut out anyone who dares to suggest that her actions may be ill concieved and irresponsible. She hasn't spoken to her mother in months apparently...

Hi FM_1970

As I mentioned above, make Cafcass aware of everything you've said on here - if there's the evidence to back up what you've said, then give it to them and that will add weight to your argument. You can ask the Cafcass officer who they'll be in contact with, and if there's any problems, tell them about it. Bear in mind, that they are getting conflicting stories from both sides, so the more evidence you can give to back up your story, the easier it is for them to sort out the truth.

I found that the Cafcass officer who dealt with my case had a handle on things very quickly, and I was completely open with her. If there is anything at all that your ex can hold over you, then try to make sure that you tell cafcass about it first - much better coming from you.

As for getting police reports, if I recall correctly, they will only release their reports as a result of a court order, but the family court can order this. What I found annoying in my case was that the police charged £5 per page - total cost was about £600 of which over £100 was for black and white copies of photographs - which I had provided (colour) to the police in the first place!!!

Thanks, actd!

I've got all correspondence relating to my issues with the nursery; a copy of my complaint to OFSTED, the outcome of the complaint detailing were the nursery must improve its service, a copy of a letter that the nursery sent to every parent denying that the complaint had been upheld, a letter to the nursery demanding that management stop bullying my ex and badmouthing both of us to other staff members, etc...

... I've even got an email from my ex's mother stating that she felt that my ex was leaving because people at the nursery had turned her against me and she couldn't cope with it.

I find it quite remarkable, not to mention duplicitous, that my ex is now be on 'friendly' terms with her managers - given that for the best part of a year she would come home in tears telling me about how terrible they were. You'd think after our son was injured she'd leave but, no, she told me that she'd have to take a cut of £80-£100 a month elsewhere and she wasn't prepared to work for less. I even offered to make up the difference...

When you think about it - you are now the common enemy for the nursery and your ex, there's a benefit for both of them to stick together, so I'm not too surprised it's happened.

Were Ofsted made aware of the nursery denying the facts? I'm sure they should have been told of that - let's face it, if the nursery is denying it, then they are still not accepting that they have done anything wrong, and I would have thought that they are making false representations - not sure of the legality of that.

Hi again,
Well i was charged 10 pounds for my police report, but my solicitor gave me a copy when i decided to represent myself, if you are getting legal aid then your solicitor should obtain a copy for you with your authorization,
as far as the report went, i was arrested for common assault (even though i didn't do anything) the report stated that there were no injuries on my ex and there was not enough evidence to charge me... i see you mentioned an email your ex sent in regards to the police manipulating her to say things... from now on keep all emails, txt messages and record all correspondence, it might be useful to you in court. good luck, believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel

Hi guys!

Thank for the advice. I'll ask my solicitor to obtain a copy of the police report.

@actd - No I didn't forward the letter to OFSTED. I went a slightly different route. It's quite a long story, but here goes!

The letter was sent out by the nursery to all parents that had children registered with them. It must have been written immediately after the inspection, as it was issued on the same day. I think they were advised to issue the letter by their communications officer based in London. I didn't receive any information from OFSTED regarding the result of the inspection until nearly two months later. I suspected the nursery was lying, but had no proof until OFSTED wrote to me and published the complaint on their website.

The nursery is part of a huge charitable/not-for-profit organisation that has a very visible profile in the south and the midlands. Some of their executive board members were also amongst some of the most senior advisors to the Labour government. 'Our' particular nursery was part of their push into the north of England. To be honest it's quite a big deal and calling it a nursery is a bit of an understatement; it's actually a children's centre. So it provides other services in addition to general childcare through various partnerships. The organisation also took over several other 'out-of-school' provisions in the city around the same time that they opened the children's centre.

My ex joined them almost immediately and in the months leading up to our son's injury (almost a year) she did nothing but complain to me about them. To be honest the problem wasn't the care staff. I felt they were really committed, but they were being let down by their line managers and, more specifically, by their area manager. There are very specific rules about the amount of staff required to look after numbers of children in specific age groups. This nursery had huge issues with staff cover and were understaffed on an almost daily basis. I'm quite a bit older than my ex and, having a business that often traded with the public and voluntary sectors, I could see that their problems were as a result of a cashflow/funding issue.

Just before my son was injured my ex told me that one of the other centres had been inspected by OFSTED and had failed. On the same day, at yet another of their 'out of school' clubs, a four year little girl had walked out of the club unnoticed. The staff should have alerted the police and OFSTED, but management refused to follow protocol because of the poor inspection at their other centre. The child had walked to a friend's house and, thankfully, the concerned parent returned her to the nursery within about 45 minutes of her disappearance.

When my son was injured I didn't just limit myself to complaining about our nursery, I reported their entire provision in that area of the city.

When I eventually discovered that our complaint had been upheld I was furious, because the nursery had effectivley covered it up. I wanted to pursue the matter, but my ex didn't want to 'rock the boat' further. At this point I told her that I would look after her if she wanted to resign until she found another job. To this day I do not understand why she decided to stay.

She was bullied for several months until matters came to ahead towards the end of last year. One of her colleagues was arrested on suscpicion of sexual assault and suspended from work. I guessed who it was due to her abscence and didn't think she was guilty for a second. She was actually the worker who told us what had really happened regarding our son's injury. The child at the centre of the sexual assault allegation had mentioned that her father hit her mother a week earlier at nursery and this was reported to the father when he picked the child up. Several days later the family made a complaint about the worker to the nursery. It was quite a petty [censored] for tat accusation, but the rules around this kind of allegation are quite strict and the police were called in to investigate.

The press got hold of it and the incident became front page news on some of the national tabloids. The nursery blamed me because of our previous complaint and they reasoned that, as I worked in film and tv, it couldn't be anyone else. When the suspended member of staff returned to work the management told her of their suspicions and said they were going to find a way of sacking my ex. I was furious.

I wrote to them threatening legal action for slander, informed them that my ex would be persuing the matter with her union rep (I had to beg her to join a union for her own good) and that I felt that their service provision throughout the city was utterly [censored]. I hand delivered the letter and told the manger to expect a, "[censored] storm". Within a matter of hours the area manager was on the phone apologising profusely and asking me to come in for a 'clear the air' meeting. I told her that I had no wish to attend any such a meeting and that she should respond to my letter, putting everything that she had just said down in writing.

Whilst I was awaiting her written response another one of their 'Out of School' clubs received a negative OFSTED inspection. My ex was told that the family that had made the complaint against her colleague had also tipped off the press and that's how the matter became public knowledge.

I received their written response a couple of weeks later. They denied everything. No mention of the telephone conversation with the area manager whatsoever. They went on to state that they won the service contract because of their committment to improving the quality of childcare throughout the city.

Rather than go down the OFSTED route again, I spoke with a councillor who was the shadow member for childrens services at our local council. I figured that it was better to raise it with the opposition party as the council, who had given the provider the contract in the first place, would probably bury the complaint in bureaucracy. So I had the issue raised in council chambers. Not sure if anything came of it, as I was now more concerned about the break up of my relationship...

...my ex's mother said the pressure at work got to my ex and that was another reason behind our split.

So there you have it! Our children are not safe, despite the fact that we hand over hundreds of pounds a month to ensure that they are!

Unbelievable!

Stunned!! 😮