How does everyone deal with the loss? the shining light of children stolen from us.
I have always suffered with a myriad of issues depression one of the lowest on the scale but in addition to multiple serious trauma disorders. Though shamed to admit it a very long history of self inflicted damage issues.
I have lost a child before and a pain no one deserves to have to go through, honestly. It changes a father in so many ways.
I have done ALOT of self injury in my time, under my constant long sleeves no one see's under I look like I had a fight with a pack of lions at once. Among other things. i have been in therapy since I was 6 im now 33.
Last time I lost my child it got dark very fast, by the end of a few days my living room and bathroom looked like a crime scene, I had tried so hard to turn it off for good in so many different ways. Eventually someone caught on and tried to get help and as useless medical staff are knew I had lost a wife and child, tried ending it over 20 times in 3 days and discharged me. The only thing that came out of it were blood tests displayed im a weirdo, somehow im different my blood works different. Mostly immune to medications, heal faster and something to do with oxygen. I took it as a sign should try harder if im that strong, medical took it as a godly sign he dont want you to die- sick of that kind of talk. I admit im passed dangerous and most likely still hold the shock title for most pills and blood loss. It was a ultra dark time and one i hope no one here has to go through.
Now that im going through it again, its not getting any easier even though going to court process still its part of my trauma disorder the highest end of PTSD ( I have dissococitive identity disorder ) makes it seem then is now again and its already all over and im feeling the pain of this one and the one that happened before simultaniously and reliving those events over and over and over and over. Im falling between the cracks in sanity, the main part wants to give up and start the bad things again (stopped when my daughter was concieved) its so hard and even my therapist does not fully understand the weight of it, i cant talk to medical again because it will be used against me again later and useless anyway. I am only just staying above the destructive behaviour, being fed by the rage is just about keeping it at bay but lasts shorter and shorter each time.
Everything I do reminds me of her, all the things we shared as father and daughter. I have never thrown anything out i have kept a bottle of water she had for the last 8 months i cant bare to throw it out like everything else. We shared so much, never felt that love like i do for her my crown jewel my shinging light she means everything to me. Ive never been so proud in my life, my daughter is incredible she has surpassed every expectation already and is only 3. The first time she broke a password on a ipad in 20 seconds flat was so proud and she was only 19 months at the time. She learnt from me so fast, built a meccano jeep by herself at 2 only help she needed was tightening screws, loves my motorcycles as much as I do and loves metal she is my little metal baby. The hopes I had for her, not expectations but hopes she well on the way to breaking. To surpass me eventually, learn everything i can teach and then be better. When she was born I took the sacred vow to protect her , something I take very seriously i just never thought i wou im not finishing that sentance as i knew one day her mother would be the one i needed to protect her from.
Im stuck. Talking about her makes me miss her more, dont know what to do really. Its a struggle to not do what i want to do and gone to great lengths to hide what i already done in the past because I know through court someone will ask to see it. Honestly i wasnt to pack it all in, im about done and whats left of me is slowly dying anyway.
I'd hit the gym and try to make money itl keep you occupied. It helped me I'd do 16 hours a day and I joined a real gritty gym were you can growl as much as you like.
These real gyms are smaller and friendly too, humongous body builders pushing you to train.
I kept a tissue of my daughters, I went months without seeing her longest not seeing her was 9 or 12 months can't remember now. I'd brought her up from afew weeks old,
I've still got it in my wallet.
She's now ten and says ewww dad throw it away!
Be positive
Just after this all began I threw myself into work, im great at what I do but this situation got to me a bit. Area manager real idiot, trying to force me to do illegal work which is no surprise considering the company. Anger phase, your going to do this! no - yes you are now go..... long story short almost tore his head off. I had to back down because that level of rage is not good and would utterly destroyed him. It was not good for my mentality. Started my own company but had to pull away because this situation I could not focus on my company as I needed to. Its still going but not so much dealing with it at the moment.
I did think about a gym but if I already look like a monster to most people, intimidating despite being very nice. When get very depressed as I have since this started it tends to lean towards [censored]. Another form of harm so im told, since last nov I have been with 253 ladies, 2 porn stars (birthday gift) , some of them multiple times (including my ex's friends). But all feel nothing to, like watching paint dry.
Im in court in 2 days now and I feel like cr*p.
painkiller how are you doing?
Have you got some help for court?
Are you engaging with medical professionals about your mental health currently?
Please do let us know that you're okay.
Thank you for asking.
At the moment I am pretty scared, there are only 2 things I am legitimately afraid of. One of them is my ex for many reasons and the 2nd is court and paperwork, now I have to deal with both fears. Feel like rubbish, the only Mh help I am getting is weekly therapy (private) I see him tomorrow and court day after. I got into a little trouble and asked GP for help, offered me a emergency appointment ……..in june '19.
I don't really have help for court, had a solicitor that is highly recommended but make such armature mistakes. I started with Makenzie friends but are extremely useless , dodging meetings, phone calls and done nothing at all since the moment I met them and all they care about is getting paid but for what work.
Im not in the habit of lying or concealment, I have made a failsafe plan once again if this goes sideways. I cant live with losing another child.
I think with regard to MH, if you are really struggling you need to ask for an urgent appointment with your GP and ask them to expedite your referral.
There are good and bad solicitors and there are good and bad McKenzie Friends so I don't think it's fair to label them amateur and useless, I do think with both there's a degree of managing your expectations and understanding of their roles. If you're struggling with your MH then perhaps you're expectations are beyond that of what lawyers and MF's can offer you.
With regard to paperwork - do what you can do. It isn't as complicated as it seems if you try to tackle it one step at a time. MH issues won't be helping you with that side of things either.
I think a misunderstanding. The solicitor I had was useless, not all of them. The one I had made such mistakes like when applying for legal aid gave them no info the reason why literal 12 lines of text then demanded another 315 quid to appeal. Because did such a great job the 1st time.
MK, I have talked to 3. Main one dodges phone calls, not seen this person nor done any work what so ever but saying pay me now. I know some ask for payment up front but I refuse to pay up front when the conversation starts "this is what I want to do" then flip me a bill, not I advise or, what do you think. The other 2 one keeps telling me I need to fill out a form, ive seen it 5 times before as a divorce document not a family document but adamant its the right form. The 3rd, just forget about it. At this point Ronald Mcdonald would do a far better job.
Mental health don't care, I keep asking and considering the fact they know my history that well and know my condition is one of the most extreme's in addition to being the most extreme case... they do nothing. I don't ask for help often because frankly doctors are too slow I know sounds narcissism but in my personal experience they are rude, inconsiderate and all around jerks. I for the most part can handle myself well, however I only have the 1 weakness that I cant control and that's my little girl. I love her so much, anything to do with her hurts more than anything I have ever encountered.
Thanks for the information guys.