@Mr Slim - Absolute utter utter rubbish
Prove it!
I bet that you can't. Countless personal experiences on here and many other sites in conjunction with official statistics will prevent you.
Example question : How many mothers have been jailed for complicity in their children's truancy and then how many mothers have been jailed for illegally breaking the terms of contact orders?
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Hi There,
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Can I ask that you tone down your posts please, the above is a little full on towards a very valued member of this forum and I can't really see what you are asking him to prove.
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We are a friendly forum and welcome everyone, all we ask is that you are respectful towards each other.
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GTTS
First post, but have been reading silently ..
Mostly a word of encouragement here, and a strong disagreement with the subject line.
I had my final hearing yesterday with regards to my daughter 1.25 years old. My wife left our home with our daughter about 6 months ago and I was served with PSO, Non-Mol and Occupation Order shortly after. I was really taken aback by the whole thing! Things weren't great, but when I saw the allegations being made against me, I couldn't believe this was coming from the same person I married.
I got representation (she had a solicitor representing her too) and the Occupation Oder and Non-Mol were dismissed within a few weeks (so I was fortunately able to remain in the family home whilst she had to move). Mother then brought forward the usual claims of violence, drinking, drugs etc - none proven and certainly not true. I can't lie, I spent the first 2-3 months feeling I had to justify every conversation, prove every part of lie from mother etc.
Remember something here - proving yourself true in one situation does not mean you're a saint, and the court knows this. In fact, doing this in most cases works against you with people feeling you're case building and hiding bad traits. The truth is, we can all work to be better communicators, listeners etc (even with the most frustrating of partners lol).
I went from having daily contact and care of my daughter to not seeing her for 2 months straight - the most heartbreaking time of my life, bar none. I couldn't understand how CAFCASS, the court and even mother would see this as normal or healthy for our daughter. I have always thought, why can't allegations that prevent time with a child be investigated immediately, and decisions made with haste. But I respect the process.
It was a slow couple of months with lots of missed contact, mother digging her heels in at each stage but I took everything on offer. Days of contact changed due to mothers changing schedule, but I worked around it. Mother said she couldn't contribute to contact centre costs/handovers, I covered all costs and was driving over 100 miles a week to see our daughter for just a few hours. Fortunately, I had an S7 report which to be fair was impartial and didn't highlight any concerns with either parent being able to look after our daughter.
I'll say it here. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I really felt like no-one cared.
Anyhow 6 months on, I have a shared care arrangement with 2 nights + 3 days, despite mother's protest. I am finally able to live my life as the father that our daughter needs me to be. I spent time focussing on what matters (and quite frankly the only thing the court cares about), which is my ability to care for my daughter. I made sure to do varied things with the limited time I had with her, provide nutritious meals and spent little to no time worrying about mother's continuous allegations.
The end result is two-fold. The court and CAFCASS will only be focussing on your ability to be a great father and how you can show it. You'll also be taking the power and attention away from mother who will only want to steal your joy. Keep your energy and excitement and happiness for your child.
I couldn't speak more highly of my solicitors or barrister, and how well they represented my case, and advised me on the clarity and calmness I've needed to present to CAFCASS, the mother and the court.
I agree fully that is one of the most frustrating times of a father's (or quite frankly any parents life) and to be honest I would have loved the opportunity to vent earlier to anyone who'd listen. But remember, the process is the process. The judge, CAFCASS are genuinely only bothered about what is best for your child. The more time you spend showing your upset around the lies that will inevitably be told show the wasted emotion that should be saved for love for your child.
Can't speak about self-representation, but I know there are a number of success stories there too. One thing to note, be honest with your solicitors about what you want and how events have played out to date. They don't need the editorialised version that makes you look like superman lol, they need the truth and will help to paint the best picture from there.
Best of luck to all!
Concerned Daddy.
Thanks for such a well balanced and truthful account of your experience, we can't emphasise enough how important attitude is during the court process, the more calm and reasoned a person and child focussed a person can be, the better.
Some do have a very raw deal, there are some decisions that are patently wrong, but the majority of people are successful ....it's just that the minority that the system fails tend to end up on forums like this one.
All the best
Mojo,
Having read a number of stories on here, I know what you mean in terms of many fathers getting beyond a raw deal with the system the way it is. Even up until yesterday the CAFACSS officer spoke about certain things as fact, whilst they could only be based on witness statements from me + my ex and no actual visit with our daughter.
Positive note - there appears to be increasing study into the importance of paternal bond even from birth. We know process is slow, but hopefully bodies like CAFCASS begin to place the appropriate emphasis on this sooner rather than later.
To you and the moderators team - keep up the amazing job! I didn't post for months out of fear, but have been reading the forums near daily since May to help me prep for my own case. Don't think I could have got the outcome I did without it 🙂
Concerned Daddy
Thanks CD....I really appreciate your endorsement of the work we do here, knowing that we can make a difference is so heartwarming...for me, it's a privilege to work with you guys.
I do agree, things are changing, even though it's a slow process, we are seeing more successes than ever...I look forward to the day when there is an automatic presumption of shared care after parents separate.
Thanks again
Distraught Dad
I'm not sure what you think I've said wrong and I sure as [censored] don't know how to prove it but I've been through the mill and have been a member of this site for nearly 3 years and I'm pretty sure my advice and experience is pretty sound.
You seem very angry which is completely natural as I was too it nearly sent me over the edge a few times but hey ho such is life.
What's your situation? If you could explain what's going on then I'm sure a way forward could be found.
All the best
Slim 🙂
Spot on Conserneddaddy your case sounds allot like mine I struggle to get what's in my head down on text in posts on here but you've nailed it!
I'm so pleased things have worked out the way they have that feeling of just being a Dad on your own terms makes it all worth while and it will only get better as I've said before it's good to try and build bridges with the ex too it's so much easier in the long run my ex and I are best friends again now!!
Your right in the praise for the mods on here they literally saved my life and I will be forever in their debt.
All the best
Slim 🙂
Cheers Mr.Slim,
It was actually after reading your post a few weeks back on how contact has progressed with your little one and the process you'd gone through that gave me a boost to try and have this all wrapped up this side of Christmas!
Keep up the posting, support and encouragement, it is definitely needed and invaluable.
Concerned Daddy.
It really helps if you're in the right frame of mind, calm, reasonable and child focussed for sure, this time of year is the right time to do it as the Courts like to try and get things wrapped up for Christmas.
Once court is over that's when the hard work starts it's took me two years to get things the way they are now but it really is an on going thing as obviously your childs mum is mum for life.
Thanks mate that is much appreciated I'm pleased my ramblings have spur'd you on and well done!
Slim 🙂
Hey CD, thanks for sharing your story and it's good to read a measured and well balanced experience of going through the court process. Wishing you all the best for the future and glad our forum was able to help you.
Slim, hats off to you , you've been through it and stuck around to help others. It's been our pleasure to help you and we're very grateful you're still here 🙂
Once court is over that's when the hard work starts it's took me two years to get things the way they are now but it really is an on going thing as obviously your childs mum is mum for life.
Slim 🙂
It is true what you say about after Court.
You comment about Christmas, though, made me think of: "a bitter ex-wife is for life - not just for Christmas".
:p
Mind you what really turned the tables and made her think was when I got full custody of our daughter a few months back it shook her to the core and she got a taste of how it feels.
Surprisingly our co-parenting relationship has improved 10 fold since and I do actually trust her again even though we had been getting on for the previous 18 months I still deep down still hated her for the [censored] she had put me through but now that's not the case at all it was only 2 weeks ago I was in court concluding it all in and I feel so much better.
We're so much more on an even keel now I finally feel like an equal parent I still haven't put myself on the [censored] birth certificate though!
Slim 🙂