[Solved] joke time

:p

Was going to put something on here about my wife but I am not that brave!!!!

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too fuckin late
and we're all gonna f*ckin' die.'
* * * * * * * * * :p

An old woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband
and she says "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you" ...
Her Husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies " It's me talking ... talking to the wine"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that [censored] gun...'

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her the green paint and everything she needed was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? Of course, she does." The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb-blonde jokes."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You’ve finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lamborghini!

Keep them coming - you've almost managed to offend everyone 😆 😆 👿

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

"I have a picture of my wife in there," the man replies. "And when she looks good enough, I'll go home."

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Illegal Parking.
Eddie went out to do a bit of shopping and he was only in the shop for a few minutes. When he came out of the shop, there was a copper writing out a parking ticket. The car was on a double yellow line.
Eddie approached the officer and said smiling, 'Come on mate..give a pensioner a break, I was only away a minute.'
The copper muttered 'I'm not your mate,' just carried on writing out the parking ticket and completely ignored Eddie's plea. Eddie, rather angry at being so openly ignored, called the copper, 'A goose-stepping Nazi arsehole.'
The copper glared at Eddie and started writing another parking ticket, this time for having an illegal tyre. Eddie called him a 'neo fascist [censored]'. The plod finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen alongside the first. Then he started writing a third ticket for a tiny chip in the windscreen! This went on for about twenty minutes and a small crowd had gathered cheering Eddie on.
The more Eddie insulted him, the more tickets the red faced plod wrote out and slapped on the windscreen... It started to get covered and the crowd were jeering at the copper, so he called for backup.
Eddie quickly disappeared and the crowd dispersed.
Eddie couldn't have cared less, pensioners need to have a bit of fun sometimes.
He was still laughing as he opened his car door in the multi-storey car park.

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is...
He is going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost

Men have feelings too.
For example, we feel hungry.