My ex ended our relationship almost 12 months ago and she moved out around 4 months ago. We were together for 13 years and have two children.
I didn’t want the relationship to end and did what I could to prevent it from happening. It didn’t end amicably as it turned out she had been seeing someone else (who she is with now) and there had been a lot of lying and deception going on. During the 6 months before she moved out she was extremely manipulative and I definitely feel she took advantage of my desire to save the relationship, particularly when it comes to money. She did and said somethings that I don’t think I will ever forgive her for. I do resent her for this and as a result I want to keep my contact with her minimum.
The issue I have is that she is still abusive and it still gets to me in massive way.
She constantly wants to borrow money but never just asks, it’s always accompanied by a story about the children or her health to try and make me feel guilty. If I call her out on this or don’t agree to lend it her the abuse starts. If I try and change something or do something she doesn’t like the abuse starts. She will threaten me with the CSA, which she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on, she threatens me with the police, the courts, she tells me she will stop me seeing the children, she threatens that she will move them away and she makes lots of veiled threats about my safety, what other people think of me. She insults my appearance, my personality and generally put me down. What she will also do is tell me that the kids don’t care about me, there not bothered, they don’t love me or to use her exact words they don’t give a f*ck about you. This happens about twice a week.
I have asked her on a number of occasions not to threaten or blackmail me, especially when it comes to the children but it’s in one ear out the other. I shouldn’t let it get to me but it does. I’m worried that it will effect my relationship with the children as I start to question whether what she says is true, it makes me very paranoid, If I ring them and they don’t have much to say is because they don’t care etc.
I was very down during the break up and while it’s not easy I have been starting to sort my life out buts as if she likes to dip back in every few days to give me a kick and try and hurt or undermine me. I don’t know why she does it but it drives me insane, I don’t know how to handle it!
I think it's a case of 'what you allow, will continue' and you probably need to put some boundaries in place. I appreciate that is the hardest thing in the world to do as it often results in the ex stopping contact with the kids.
Have you thought about trying to go to mediation with her? I doubt she would behave this way in front of a third party!
hi,
people end relationships to move on and find contentment. it sounds like she still lives with you, and I dont undrstand why you put up with that kind of abuse. maybe i should be thankful that mine just cut contact soon after doing a runner lol. so then it was courts, and CMS.
i think her behaviour will change if courts get involved. if she thinks you will not take legal route because of the costs involved, then expect the abuse to continue.
how often do you see your kids? is it good enough?
I absolutely agree with Yoda, that you have to put some boundaries in place, otherwise her toxic behaviour will continue.
Her behaviour sounds narcissistic, it might be useful to find out more about this type of personality and the strategies to deal with them more effectively.
Best of luck
I've just had another days of it because of pay day.
I bought the new uniform and she was supposed to pay half, a quarter on pay day the rest mid month. She should also be paying her mobile bill which is in my name. She is saying she cant afford to but left telling me this until I chased her.
This started the whole I don't pay her enough and the threats around stopping my access, the CSA, everything I previously mentioned.
I have them 4 nights a week at the moment (204 days a year) and pay what the gov. website calculates based. Once they go back to school I'm supposed have them 2 nights every week and 3 nights every other weekend (184 days a year) meaning if I understand the amount wont change. Is this correct?
I also contribute on top of this, days out, new clothes etc and I have lent her money on numerous occasions.
She is now trying to deny every agreeing to this, although I have several texts where it has been talked about over the last few months. She is also trying to say that the kids don't wont this and that if we go the legal route they will be asked what they want which will effect my access.
Its actually making feel ill. It feels like harassment.
hi,
is there a way you can take a break, or limit contact with the ex if its stressing you out. as i have court order in place, i only message if its urgent, like im running late or whatever. i dont have direct contact with ex which makes it easier i guess.
if your happy with the arrangement on how many nights you have the kids, stick with it. stick to the gov CMS calculator, and dont pay above the rate it gives you. im sure if you calculate 4 nights a week, dropping to 2, then maintenance amounts change? check it on their site. only problem is if you do change payment amounts, theres chance ex will kick up a fuss again.
what she mentions about your kids in court, if their in their teens, then the courts and cafcass will listen to their views and make decisions based on that, e.g if they say they dont want to stay x many days at dads house etc. and theres risk your ex may manipulate them to say all sorts.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your ex, it sounds unrelenting. At some point you’re going to have to set some boundaries, for the sake of your health and well being... even if that means her carrying out some of her threats.
By engaging with her, you’re feeding her need for a reaction from you. At the moment she feels she can control you with threats about contact with the children, you need to break the cycle and reclaim some control.
Regarding your question about the number of nights, you’re right that the amount won’t change.
You can see from below that anything above 175 nights is classed as a 50% reduction.
52 to 103 nights - 1/7th reduction to CM
104 to 155 nights. - 2/7th
156 to 174 nights - 3/7th
More than 175 nights - 1⁄2 (50%) plus an extra £7 a week reduction for each child in this band.
As has been mentioned, you’re not liable to pay anything over and above the calculated amount, but who wants to see their kids suffer if they can avoid it?
How old are your children? Younger children may be spoken to gently, the wishes of a child over 12 would carry more weight. I’m sure your children enjoy their time with you, she’s just trying to hurt you by telling you the kids don’t want it.
All the best
Hello
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It does sound like she is using your weakness and your empathy to control you. There's a personality disorder called narcisstic personality disorder (NPD). There's two types, overt and covert.
Essentially people who suffer from NPD do anything to be in control and they don't have any boundaries. They believe they should get what they want and when they want, if not achieved then they won't car how far they go to acquire it. They lack empathy and prey on those who are empathetic and co dependent. I highly suggest you do some reading and go on to Quora and search narcisstic abuse. There you will find people's experience as victims of NPD spouses/partners and what they did to help themselves.
I hope things get better for you!