[Solved] Anxiety about sex due to unplanned pregnancies
My partner had our daughter 8 months ago and despite the normal issues with a new baby, I love them both and I’m happy.
We had spoken about having a baby and made plans to have one in a years time. However, despite her being on the contraceptive pill, she fell pregnant. After discussing things, we agreed to proceed as she couldn’t face a termination.
I have another child with my ex from an abusive relationship, the mother made my life hell for years and now I have no relationship with either her or the child, for my own safety and well-being. I wasn’t ready to be a father and knew that my relationship was not a good place to have a child. Conception on this occasion occurred while using condoms.
I always told my new partner that I was happy to have one child with her, but that any more than that was off the table. Given past trauma, one was my compromise position.
She now wants another one in due course and claims I never said I’d only have one.
We’re not yet sexually active following the birth, the thought of having sex makes me incredibly anxious. I’ve had two unplanned pregnancies while precautions were being taken. The thought of being in that position again, with no control over what happens absolutely terrifies me.
In addition, we live in my property, which really isn’t suitable for any more than a couple and one child. My partner was left in a poor financial predicament following a previous relationship, which meant an adverse credit rating and thus not being able to get a mortgage.
Therefore, if she falls pregnant, she’d 100% keep it as a termination is something she claims she couldn’t do. We’d then have to move, which would mean selling my property and buying somewhere more suitable based on my earnings only. With 1 dependent + excessive maintenance to my ex + (affordable) car finance, the amount I can borrow is touch and go to relocate to a more suitable property. If I raise this as a reason not to have another child, I’m deemed mean for stating that she’s the reason we can’t get a joint mortgage and thus a bigger property. This all adds to my anxiety as I feel that I can’t provide properly for my family.
In addition, her Mum, who she’s incredibly close with and feels more important in the relationship than me, is applying pressure to have another child. She doesn’t know the extent of her daughters financial issues and can’t understand why we don’t just move somewhere bigger. Whenever I raise the fact that I don’t want more children, it’s laughed off.
Any suggestions on how I broach the reasons behind being reluctant to recommence a sexual relationship, which I suppose is the tip of the iceberg?
In my mind, sex = unplanned pregnancy = no control in decision = another child = needing to move = financial stress = anxiety.
I can well understand your concerns and how you feel.
It appears from what you write that no one is taking notice of the reasonable and sensible approach you are taking with regard to having another child and the anxiety it is causing you.
I think you need to have a honest, indepth and open talk with your partner to enable her to understand your feelings. Probably go to see a Relate counsellor together for her/him to act as an intermediary if it becomes a stalemate situation.
With regard to your anxiety, I would go to see your G.P., explain the situation and see if you can get some treatment, either counselling, medication or a combination of both.
Quote, "Whenever I raise the fact that I don't want more children, it's laughed off." In my opinion you are not being respected as you should be and neither are your feelings being acknowledged which are inducing anxiety. It is a matter which needs to be resolved by you and your partner, Granny should keep her opinions to herself, it is not anything to do with her!
Hello Hibbydaddy, I agree with the advice given here by the other post, please talk to your partner calmly and really stress to her how strongly you feel about this, but more importantly why you do. No one should be put in a difficult position when it comes to bringing the life of a child into the world. It is a choice that both of you should be happy about. I hope you can enjoy the lovely baby you have, and are able to keep talking with one another. Any opinion from any other family member, should not be taken into account. This is between yourself and your partner. Perhaps talking with a counsellor from Relate would be a good start, and talking with your GP too. All the best, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer