Not sure where to start on this and don't want to bore you with years of background so I'll try and keep it as short as possible.
I have been separated from the mother of my children for around 8 years. We have 3 beautiful girls who I love with all my heart. The relationship I had with their mum broke down for various reasons, arguments would flair up for no reason whatsoever, I was emotionally blackmailed, even when I was at work about being back at home 5 minutes after I finished or she would kill herself and the children, constant phone calls, sometimes over 100 a day to tell me I had to be back there NOW even when I was working. Numerous threats to kill herself and the children, I lost count to be honest. Needless to say I left the relationship eventually, for the sake of the children and for my own state of mind.
All that was 8 years ago. We came to an arrangement that the children would come and visit me every other week, just for a day, no overnight which I wasn't happy about at the time but to not cause arguments I went along with it. This continued for a couple of years, then the girls mother told me that they wanted to come every third week, again, stupidly I agreed so as not to make things difficult for the children. Every birthday I would call them, I've only spoken to one of them once as the phone either rings out or I left a message on the answer phone. The other week was my eldest birthday so I called again, no answer. This time I thought I would try her mothers mobile, call rejected, twice. I sent her mother a text asking if it was so much to ask to speak to my daughter on her birthday and that it has become so ridiculous that I would have to take matters further, meaning legal advice about contact.
Last weekend was their scheduled visit, two arrived with a letter written by my eldest to her grandad who sees them when they visit. In it my eldest said that she didn't want to see me again, she used my name instead of daddy, which she has always called me, and said that she hadn't wanted to speak to me on her birthday and that the text I'd sent her mum had made her afraid that I would come round to the house and 'shout (or do something worse) to her mother.
I know she made accusations about me when we split up which were totally unfound and my concern is that she has told the same lies to my eldest which she now believes.
I love my daughters very much and this has been like nothing I could ever imagine. I spent last night in tears and I don't know where to turn to. I have contacted a solicitor but would like some real thoughts from people who have been through similar.
Sorry for the long winded story.
Hi there
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling, I'd like to ask a couple of questions to help me understand your situation a little better.
How old are your children? If you took the legal route, what would you be asking the court to do?
I would suggest that your eldest daughter has been influenced by her mother, as you say, she was an unstable personality throughout your relationship and this won't have changed when you left.
I would advise that you be very careful about contacting the mother, she could quite easily obtain a restraining order against you based solely on the text you sent, which from your daughters reaction has enflamed the situation.
Depending on your daughters ages and what you would like to happen, we can advise you further. Before any legal action can be taken you would need to attempt mediation to try and sort things out.
You could try writing your eldest daughter a letter, avoid talking about her mother, just keep it light and reassure her that you love her very much and would never do anything to hurt her. Apologise if your text to her mother gave her the impression that you meant harm, but explain that you miss seeing her and just wanted to connect with her on her birthday. Tell her how upset you've been since receiving the letter and tell her that regardless of that your door is always wide open for her and you hope that you can sit down and talk and try and get it sorted out, it tell her there's no pressure, just a desire to have her in your life.
All the best
Hi and thank you for the reply.
My daughters are 9, 10 and 12. I have written a letter to her with the points you mention in it.
As for the legal side I'm not sure. I just want to see my children more and spend some time with them. They have never stayed over with me once since we split up and I'm afraid that the two youngest could be influenced also.
Shes still a child, but her wishes and feelings would be taken account of if it went to court.
I think it's reasonable to suspect that your other two daughters may well be effected in the same way, it's whats called parental alienation. In my opinion, I think you should act sooner rather than later and start the process, your first step is mediation. Here's a link to mediation services, but some solicitors also offer this service.
www.nfm.org.uk
Once you have discussed the issues with the mediator they will contact your ex and ask her to attend.... from what you've said, this is unlikely, in which case the mediatior will sign off the form to enable you to make an application to court.
You need to think about your requests to the court as you will need to state this on the application form...generally contact would be alternate weekends and a midweek visit, with a share of school holidays, Christmas and birthdays.
There's lots of useful information in the stickys situated at the top of the legal eagle section and some solicitors offer a free initial consultation which may be helpful. Going forward you can instruct a solicitor which will cost an arm and a leg, or you can think about representing yourself, it's doable and many dads here have done so with much success.
Hi There,
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I agree with Mojo, the sooner you get things moving the better, Your daughter will be asked about what she wants to happen, but this will be done in a way that they should hopefully be able to see through the views that her mother has inflicted on her, I would imagine that Cafcass would be involved and would speak with your daughter about things.
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As already said we can help you to get through this and you aren't alone, many of us have been through similar and we are all happy to share our experience and help you to get through court and mediation.
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GTTS
Last weekend was their scheduled visit, two arrived with a letter written by my eldest to her grandad who sees them when they visit. In it my eldest said that she didn't want to see me again, she used my name instead of daddy, which she has always called me, and said that she hadn't wanted to speak to me on her birthday and that the text I'd sent her mum had made her afraid that I would come round to the house and 'shout (or do something worse) to her mother.
I know she made accusations about me when we split up which were totally unfound and my concern is that she has told the same lies to my eldest which she now believes.
Keep the letter - Cafcass would be interested in seeing it.
This sounds like classic parental alienation. Unfortunately, you are limited to some degree in what you can do about this - although it is of VITAL importance that you take an active approach with regards to getting things moving - as clearly your Ex will not.
Firstly mojo is correct that a 11/12 year old would have their views taken into consideration in a Court (via Cafcass, usually). But importantly, this is not necessarily the same as taking what such children say at face value: From http://www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed98218
"In accordance with the Children Act 1989 s.1(3)(a), it is suggested that a child's wishes and feelings are likely to carry more weight the older the child is. However, the court also has to consider the child's understanding. Alienation from a non-resident parent may have a significant impact on an older child's understanding of his/her own circumstances, as noted in Re S above."
The letter suggested is a good idea - it is also probably wise to stop all contact with the mother (except in an emergency) to guard against "allegations". This includes text, facebook, twitter, email and telephone calls and face-to-face visits. It is important to state that the "door is always open" as the children are expressing a view that a) most likely originated from their mother b) they do not fully understand.
Your steps should be attend mediation asap - they will write to Ex, she will likely refuse or come along just to make a nuisance of herself. But if she does genuinely engage - then attempt to resolve issues here.
If this fails - you should apply to Court ASAP (it costs a little over £200 and there are lots of threads on here about form C100). While some may advocate a slower and more careful approach - at the end of the day, parental alienation is emotional child abuse and resolution should be attempted for the welfare of the child. To-ing and fro-ing with solicitors does not regard "resolution" (or even the welfare of any children involved) to be of central importance. Solicitors carry out their clients instructions (as best they can). When that client is a parental alienator - the NRP simply moves from dealing with a parental alienator, to a parental alienator aided by a solicitor. It is true that some solicitors may help their client to see "what is best for any children" - but they are under no obligation to do so - whereas they *are* under an obligation to carry out their clients instructions.
The family court process in the UK requires that mediation is attempted prior to applying to court.. There is certainly no requirement to have attempted to resolve matters via solicitors, and in the case of an entrenched parental alienator - this can be counter to the welfare of the child (frankly).
Good luck
Thank you for all the replies, it's very much appreciated.
I have a solicitor calling me later to arrange an appointment, first one is free and it would be good to sit down and see where I stand legally.
On the mediation front, we went to several places when we were splitting up, non of which worked in any shape or form. Two of them were very impartial and understanding as far as I was concerned but my ex fell out with them as they had to tell her on several occasions to let me speak for myself and to stop shouting. The third mediation was with the worst man hating councillor I have ever met so on my part I had to say that this isn't working and left.
My ex and I don't speak at all, not one word. When she drops the girls off she rings the bell, tells them to hurry up and goes back to the car with the doors open waiting.
I will see how it goes later with the solicitor and will look into the advice you have all put on here. At this moment in time I feel so [censored] low, nearly as low as when my mother died a couple of years ago. The difference back then is we knew she was going to die, this with my daughter came out of nowhere and I can't see any way around it.
The letter has been sent via my middle daughter, although I won't hold much hope that my eldest will get it without her mother reading it first.
Hi
Sorry to hear you are low. But do hang in there. Many of us on here have been very similar situations.
Regarding the letter - it is generally not a good idea to send letters/communication via children - it burdens them with being a "go-between". In general, the less the children are "involved" the better. And while your ex will likely be doing the total opposite - remember that "two wrongs don't make a right".
It sounds extreme - but I would send any letters by recorded delivery addressed directly to the children, and keep a copy. As before, it goes without saying that in any communication - try to reassure the children and maintain a sense of "protecting them from adult issues" rather than viewing communication as an attempt to "set the record straight" or play "[censored]-for-tat" in terms of accusations. Children usually and genuinely want to love both parents - and it can cause them much distress to be "forced" to take sides.
Sorry to hear mediation did not go well. This also is quite normal. How long ago was this? If it is quite recent ( 4 months or less) you may be able to phone up the mediator and ask them to provide you with a MIAM - based upon the sessions that you have already had (you would have had a MIAM the first time you used mediation).