Hey all,
Unfortunately things between my wife and I have come to a grinding halt.
It's much easier for me to explain our story with a timeline rather than a huge paragraph :dry:
I won't use real names, I'll just refer to my wife as B and the "other guy" as J. B also suffers with depression.
TL;DR at the bottom.
2005.
I met B via some family friends when I was 18 years old, we talked online for a bit but we lost contact after a few months due to my life and she lived in Derby.
2009.
B looks me up on Facebook and we hit it off.
She had just come out of an abusive relationship and now had a 4 month old boy.
She came to visit me a few times and our relationship "burst into flames" 🙂
I offered to move to a larger place so they can come live with me some 200 miles away in Wales.
I moved to a 2 bed flat.
They came to live with me when he was approx. 8 months.
2011.
B falls pregnant with our daughter who was born in October. She is now 4 years old.
We moved to a 3 bed house just before our daughter was born.
I changed jobs to finance the move.
2014
We get married.
I changed jobs to due to increasing bills.
2015
February
B gets her first job in retail after our daughter started full time education.
August
I start to get really suspicious that something is wrong and my instincts were going crazy.
This is not the first time I have been cheated on, It's the third, so I know when something is up.
September
B finally admits that she had cheated on me with a colleague (J, 23).
Oh boy, when she first told me, I'm not going to lie, I cried. A lot. It felt like someone had poured petrol on me and set it on fire.
I automatically went into the "why? why did you did this to me?", I though it was related to my parenting skills (see my other topic ).
She said it was because I was failing to pay her attention and that I didn't show her that I loved her. That I was never there for her.
Before she had even come to live with me, I spent countless hours on the phone and internet with her as she suffered with depression and needed constant communication.
This was still the case the whole time we lived together. I spent possibly hundreds of hours talking with her about everything.
Yes, I spend a lot of time on the computer, but she also used too, we used to play video games together for hours.
Anyway. I tried to put things right;
I promised her everything under the sun; in exchange I asked her to change job, stop seeing the guy, stop texting, stop everything.
She refused. In fact, she started seeing J more and more often blaming me saying that I was creating a bad atmosphere and had nowhere else to go.
October
I told her that I wanted a divorce as we were never going to be able to salvage this relationship if she wouldn't give him up. She still refused.
Give her till January to find a new place.
November
Situation deteriorates.
I became seriously depressed,
One night B when went to visit J, I went and sat in the kitchen with medication and knife thinking about commuting suicide by overdose or cutting myself.
Tell B that she can stay and that I will move out in January as I am more able to.
December
TL;DR Wife cheated on me, still seeing the other guy.
She classes us as "separated" even though we're living together.
She says they have only slept together once. Although with the amount of times and the duration of the visit I don't believe this for a second.
She is at his place right now, as I am writing this. It feels like I have a spear going right through me.
The atmosphere at home is unbearable, it hurts so much. I loved this woman with everything I had.
Every 5 minutes she has her [censored] phone out, messaging him.
They Skype and snapchat and I can't explain how much pain I feel when I see the woman I loved and married be made happier by this random guy she known about 6 months and she loves him more than me. How does that happen?!
BUT she still expects me to do everything that I would normally do for her! Like take her to work etc.
She is taking full advantage of me and I don't feel as if there is anything I can do. I'm stuck.
I'm too afraid to do anything in case it comes back on me when we get divorced.
I can't sleep, I have nightmares about what they get up to, my mind filling the gaps.
I can't eat, just snacks and junk mainly, some small pasta things. I feel sick if I try to eat anything bigger.
I'm just so sad, I want to cry all the time,
Looks like Mojo was right, too much, too soon, no foundations and the whole thing has imploded.
Is there any hope of coming out of this alive?
This woman has done a number on you, its all your fault SHE cheated, bollocks, you are NOT responsible for someone elses actions.
Value yourself
Cheers Twiston,
I have a very small group of friends who I've confided in, they say the same thing,
I understand that she has to take responsibility for her actions, what gets me is that there were no warning signs.
In May, we were as happy as anything, then suddenly it's the whole, "you're never there" stuff,
It's true I work a lot, I work 4-on-4-off 11 hour shifts, but when she took up work in the beginning it was fine because she only worked 8 hour weeks, now suddenly she's working 5 days a week, 30 hour weeks so we hardly ever see each other.
I asked her why she was taking on so many extra shifts, I guess now I have the answer. Just to see "him" more often...
Hi There,
.
This is horiible and you are certainly not to blame, Who knows why people (of either [censored]) feel the need to cheat, if she wasn't feeling loved then she could have talked to you about it, the truth is she was weak and instead of facing how she felt she has looked for or at least stumbled accross an escape from reality, which is really all it is, the excitment of a new man.
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You need to take care of yourself and stop running around after her, I would firstly stop taking her to work she has given up on your relationship and has turned it the way it is but still espects the nice aspect of what was there.
.
Eating how you are is the right way becuase at least you're eating, I was the same when I went through seperation, I couldn't eat so I snacked which got me through, over time you will manage more than a snack, sleeping is also an issue, I would visit your doctor and talk through how you are feeling, don't leave anything out, tell them how you were the other night with the knife and pills, they need to know this so they can help you get through.
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You need to be there for your children.
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Keep talking to us we will try and help.
.
GTTS
Thanks GTTS,
I did visit the GP after I hit the bottom, She referred me to the crisis team at the local hospital for an assessment but I never went as they said they would probably want to keep me in, I had work, the kids to look after, things to do etc.
However, I did call BUPA, as I have private medical insurance from my company.
I talked with one of their Councillors for about an hour.
I must admit I felt a lot better.
I have to say though, even though I had everything I needed that night in the kitchen, I couldn't bring myself to do a single thing.
I was too afraid, I thought about my children having to grow up without me or being brought up by another guy, I just completely broke down. I hated the thought.
I told myself that no other man was going to be a father figure to my children no matter what the cost.
Even though I am in a lot of pain having to still live with her, once I have my own place, I'm going to reboot myself, go back to the happy, sarcastic guy I used to be back at the start.
Don't worry, I have a very positive attitude about the future, It's the present situation has gotten me really down,
Any pointers on how to overcome my feelings towards her actions?
Hi,
.
There are no quick fixes, anything you do to make things easier will help though, so stop running around after her, let her make her own way to and from work, I know that may feel difficult to start with but things like that will actually help you, becuase at the moment you are resenting her for everything, what's she's done and still doing to you.
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The only thing that will allow you to feel better about what's happened is time, I know it sounds cheesy but time does heal.
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Glad to hear your feeling stronger, keeping chatting to us and call the counsellor again if things get too much.
.
GTTS
Cheers Twiston,
I have a very small group of friends who I've confided in, they say the same thing,
I understand that she has to take responsibility for her actions, what gets me is that there were no warning signs.
In May, we were as happy as anything, then suddenly it's the whole, "you're never there" stuff,
It's true I work a lot, I work 4-on-4-off 11 hour shifts, but when she took up work in the beginning it was fine because she only worked 8 hour weeks, now suddenly she's working 5 days a week, 30 hour weeks so we hardly ever see each other.
I asked her why she was taking on so many extra shifts, I guess now I have the answer. Just to see "him" more often...
Then she speaks to you, you discuss and decide if you can work less, make an effort. There doesnt have to be warning signs, you are not responsible for not seeing it coming, why would you? you trusted your wife, this is not your fault, people are stupid, we think we have senses we do not, you trusted SHE betrayed that trust.
maybe you werent there, thats tantamount to a man cheating on his pregnant wife who wont have [censored] "well you wouldnt have [censored] with me" . From your timeline youve worked and worked to support your family and shes out betraying that.
As has already been said, do not blame yourself for any of this and you need to value and take care of yourself and the children right now.
I'm not saying be purposely difficult but GTTS is right, don't make things easy for her either.
Make sure you're eating well and continue to seek medical help if you need it. It might be worth seeking some regular counselling to help you through this period, You can do this via BUPA or the GP.
Good luck with everything and let us know where we can help.
Yoda
....and I take no pleasure from that fact, I'm so sorry that it has come to this and can only add my voice to the others and urge you to continue to seek help and to be kind to yourself.
I also agree that it's time to draw back from her, it's no longer your place to run around after her, if she wants to split then she has to start being responsible for herself...whilst you're still doing all the things you used to, its just making it more difficult for you to separate emotionally.
We are here to help as much as we can, it does help to talk and as GTTS says, it will get better. Concentrate on you and your children and lean on those that are close to you.
Hi, I really feel for you. One thing though, and as others have already said, don't blame yourself on this one. You've already stated a few facts which may infer guilt or responsibility such as computer games and her depression. These are not plausible excuses for infidelity. If she suffers from depression, or she felt she wasn't given enough attention, she should've approached you rather than cheated on you. If the relationship was irreconcilable at that point, she should've ended it in my opinion.
The fact that you live under the same roof and separated, yet she continues to see and speak to 'J' sounds terrible. She sounds as though she lacks empathy and is completely selfish. Also her claim to have slept with him once sounds extremely dubious.
Personally I can't see this being salvaged with such behaviour, and having a child together makes it all that much harder.
Speaking from a little experience, I'd file for divorce ASAP because after a certain period of time (I think 6 months) of knowing about the adultery, you cannot file on those grounds. I think you'd definitely be able to file on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
You sound as though you deserve much better, and I'm really sorry you're going through all of this, but it will get better. Stay strong for your child!