Hi Guys,
Hope you're all doing ok(as best you can be, anyway).
So, you know my story, I was the primary carer for 2 children, and one day(nearly a year and a half ago), my partner tricked me into leaving the family home, then destroyed my relationship with my kids, as I fought through the Court, to stay in their lives.
I am now the victim of Parental Alienation, and although all the signs are clearly there, CAFCASS deny this is the case, and they are about to write their final report, with their recommendations for if I should have direct contact, or not. My son has told the world that I abused him(which is just not true), but CAFCASS believe him, and they think his not wishing to write to me, or see me, is purely his decision.
I have been writing every week, and I have sent gifts and things, but apparently, both children have no desire to write back to me, or to see me.
I have spent £11k so far, and when I return to court in September, it will cost me a further £1k. All this has made me pretty unwell, and the ultimate decision is about to be made, by my brainwashed son, and a totally useless CAFCASS officer. I have read loads of stuff online about Parental Alienation, and Parental Alienation Syndrome, and generally speaking I am advised to keep writing my cards to the kids, regardless of their apparent hatred for me. Part of me wants to stop, because I am forever at the mercy of my son(as I was his mother), only he shows no mercy. This situation is killing me, and the physical and mental symptoms are quite evident.
My son has lied to the point that I sound like a flippin serial killer, and part of me hates him for this, regardless of the pressure his mother is putting on him. I still cannot believe he would do this to me, and also, be responsible for taking my daughter away from me. The thing is, my cards are now being sent direct to my ex, and I know that after CAFCASS are out of the picture, she can simply keep the cards to herself(for her own gratification), or throw them away. Basically, she can tell the kids that I stopped writing. Needless to say, if I actually do stop writing, then she wins anyway.
I am so hurt, I don't know what to do guys, seriously. It goes against everything that I am about, to walk away, to stop writing, but I cannot go on for years on end like this, I really can't. I have not received one thank you, after sending hundreds of pounds of presents. I know they are kids, under the control of a Narcissist, but I cannot deny that my son is kind of getting off on this power he has against me, and really, he is quite a nasty piece of work.
DO I KEEP WRITING??
I think you have a very very hard decision to make and to be honest I don't think anyone can do that for you. If someone advised you to walk away and you did, how would you feel? The decision is a huge responsibility for someone else to make for you either way. The best anyone can do is give you an opinion but you would have to take it at that and accept that the final decision is yours.
I have a friend who told me many years ago that he gives his children their pocket money unconditionally. It didn't matter how naughty they had been, they still had it. There was a moral to his way of doing things - that they had to have their own independence and learn to use the money as they saw fit. To some degree, I think the same is true of love - that you should love your children unconditionally. How they receive and deal with that love is their choice - they may not accept it or push their boundaries with it but they will always know that you have tried. Things might happen in the future that make them realise they're missing out on a dad that has spent a lot of money because he cares (the money doesn't matter - it's that you've tried everything possible, cost aside).
Maybe an alternative is to step back for a while and let things cool down. Tell your kids (with a letter or however you can) that you've tried as hard as you can but if they truly hate you then maybe it's best you take a break from each other for a short while, maybe a month or two, until things have cooled down. Try to explain to your ex that all you're trying to do is be a dad to your children.
Whatever you decide I hope that things work out for you in the future - it's a decision I know I wouldn't be able to make but everyones circumstances are different.
Hello Paul,
Thank's for the support, and the opinion.
Yeah, I hear what you're saying, and I take it on board.
There is no point in trying to appeal to my ex, as she is wicked, and will be loving all of this. Also, I am not able to contact her, due to the Order she had taken out on me.
I am so tired of all this, and so sick of feeling my efforts are all in vain. My kids seem to have the best of bost worls. They don't have to see me(which would upset their mother), but they can still receive money and gifts every now and then, despite the terrible things they have alleged I have done. What message am I sending to them about THEIR behaviour. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Cheers, S74
Hi there
I completely agree with everything that Paul_6611 has sad, however I do think,you should see out the end of the court case before making a final decision, you've come this far.
I totally get how you must be feeling and it's little wonder that you are considering walking away...sometimes we just have to put our own needs first, to avoid going under with the pain of it all.
If you do decide to cut ties, I wouldn't put a time limit on it, or say it's for good, once youve got back on your feet and had time to reflect, you may have a change of heart. It might be a good idea to start a couple of keepsake boxes for your children, to be filled with the letters and cards that you would have sent to them... it might help them if they ever come looking for you when they're older...it might help. You to put your feelings on paper too.
Best of luck
Hi Mojo,
Thank's for the words of wisdom. I just feel I cannot win, whatever I do. My ex always wins. Noone sees it, least of all the children. And the cards go straight to her, now that I no longer have them being read by CCI.
Do I ask CAFCASS if they can read a letter from me, just this once, this final time, explaining things. Saying that, I know that whatever I would say, and whoever might tell it(if they agreed), my ex would say it were all lies anyway, and they would believe her. Is sending my kids presents and money, for the 6 weeks off school, just giving them their cake and eating it? Am I not making the situation any better? I am certainly not gaining any ground with them, though that is not why I do it, any of it, it is because I love them, that's all.
This Parental Alienation thing is a serious business Mojo, and the effects are long term. I could do keep sake boxes for them both, but really, do I keep hold of these in the hope that one day(in years to come), I might be able to show them what I did. Surely they would always say that they would rather I just kept in contact. I know I sound like I'm answering the very question I have asked you, but I am just conveying the situation, the things that seem most likely, and second guessing everyone has become my lifes works now.
Do I blindly keep sending cards etc to their evil mother, and just hope they get them, and that despite everything she has done, and continues to do to me and them, she will somehow(out of the goodness of her heart), read my cards decently, without any negative comment, and actually encourage the idea that I do really love them bothe very much. On that note, I will go, and wait for your reply, as the squadron of pigs flying over head, is quite noisy(for some reason, imaginary pig squadrons only fly old style planes!?).
Regards,
S74
Do you have a final hearing coming up?
I'm going to pm you.
Hi Mojo, and everyone.
Well, I still haven't written to the kids(for 2 weeks now). I just haven't felt the same since I heard they both don't want me to write to them anymore.
I know that evil [censored] has won them over, but still, it can't help but have an effect on me. I feel I'm in a sort of no man's land.
My daughter is going to have a birthday very soon, and the thought(reality) of my present and card being received with negativity, and most likely being rejected, is totally crushing. I think I would probably die if I were a fly on the wall at their house, and actually witnessed this from my children, however much their mother has caused it.
I don't want to send money, as I believe she will take it, and I guess anything I get, be it a voucher or whatever, will be rejected anyway.
I am powerless. I felt ok for a few days, stopping the writing, as I know that it fuels my ex, and keeps the hysteria going. I felt good for a day or so, telling myself I won't go to anymore Court Hearings, as there is no point, when the CAFCASS report makes me out to be Fred West! In the end though, I just feel powerless. Nothing I can do can better my situation. I am up against a Narcissist, someone who is loving this whole thing, and most importantly, my downfall. I wish I could do something, I really do. I'm fighting the good fight, but I'm getting nowhere. My son is telling the world I abused him, and I'm gonna continue sending him cards telling him how much I love him? I know this is letting him think his actions are ok, and they [censored] well aren't. Brainwashed or not, I am ashamed of you for your lies young man.
Well, I have the cards, but I have yet to write them. That creature is waiting, just waiting, as she knows how much I love them, and I will have to write, as if I really did stop, then the life must really have left me all together, and I must be dead after all.
Peace, S74
I can't possibly understand what you're going through. My ex has made all kinds of allegations against me but I still have my childrens love and although contact is very limited I know that I still mean something to them.
Since I separated from my ex, I've experienced a whole range of emotions that I didn't think I would ever experience. Sometimes I don't even recognise myself. Before all of this happened I was mostly confident and a fun loving person who loved to banter and joke around. Very little bothered me unless it was life changing. But now my emotions are all over the place. Anxiety, stress, sadness are all a part of my everyday life. I don't know how to control them and the only thing that gets me through is the hope that soon things will change. I've been through some very hard times in my life but nothing compares to this.
Some of the fathers on this site have things a little easier than myself. Some, like you, have things harder. But I think we all have something in common. We love our children. I think every single guy that goes to court to fight to be a part of their childrens lives, who expresses their innermost fears and feelings on this site, who is strong enough to keep going, who goes through the daily [censored] of living without their children and dealing with the stress of courts, false allegations, possibly having to deal with social services, cafcass, police, ex's families etc are to be commended. It's the most unnatural situation in the world.
But for guys like you I also understand why you feel the way you do. I know how hard this is. As one of the other members put it, it's a living [censored]. I wish I could fix things for you and for everyone else that's going through this. I wish I had answers but I think we all have to find our own answers according to our situation. I hope things get better - you're not alone. You're not the only one who has a bitter after taste as a result of all this.
I would do as suggested and write cards and keep them in a box, and likewise, if you want to send money, then open a savings account and pay money in there each birthday/xmas etc (or buy premium bonds) for when they are older.
Hello Scott74,
You are going through a terrible time. The fact you feel so traumatized at the moment may lead you to make the wrong decisions now which you could regret later on.
Play safe for the time being until you feel stronger and less fragile. By that I mean, I would do as actd has suggested, remember to put a date on each card and / or letter you keep in in the memory box and if you open a bank account for each child, I personally would put them in your name. If there is any problem with the accounts you would then be able to have access to them and be in a position to manage the money also.
You have a final court hearing in September, can you muster enough strength to go? I'm concerned that if you don't go, you may wish you had at a later date. If you see it through you will know where you stand and can then carve a path to tread in life for yourself in the knowledge you have done all that is humanly possible and have no regrets.
Look after yourself, eat, sleep and exercise to reduce the stress and emotional trauma you are under at present.
Please remember, there isn't anything in life that stays the same, given time, everything changes. Most important of all, children grow up and develop minds of their own and they will cease to be influenced by those who exercise it.
Hi MOAF,
Appreciate what you said.
I feel I have done already done all I can, as regards the court thing. The judge goes on what CAFCASS recommends, and on that basis, I already know what they are recommending, and I am not in the habit of blowing £1,500 on a days outing to court, where my evil ex gets the satisfaction, along with her macho Barrister, of seeing me get jack [censored], whilst she is just there to show off her latest outfit. Then there are 2 more dates where both sides get to say stuff, and that costs me at least £2k.
My son is saying I abused him, and that's all they see now, and all they hear. I honestly think that if I were to go to court again(just to hear that I've lost), then I would struggle not to get hold of her Barrister, and decorate the room with him, seriously. That's what they want, I should just assume the role of some violent a hole, and I might just do that, as everyone just wants to watch me cry at the loss of my kids.
Boxes with letters and cards are all very well, but will the kids thank me for that, if I go years without sending them anything?! No, I know I need to either send cards/letters, or stop, and that's the choice.
My ex is loving this, and I am not some blind idiot. I am not there to entertain these bastards, and have my barrister constantly calling her [censored] of a midget barrister his learned friend! My kids will never change their opinion of me, as long as that psycho is breathing, period.
Thanks for the support though, S74
Cheers ACTD,
Will think it over, S74