Hi guys,
I’m in a messed up situation. Full time student/dad. Two kids with the ex wife and one with the current fiancé. This woman has gotten to the point that in the last six months I’ve taken my sons from my prior marriage home early twice, and spent my entire visitation with my children in a hotel 4 times. She has reached a level of irrational meanness towards my older children and jealousy of my ex wife. I told her when we first started dating my ex is a good mom. Period. I don’t like everything she does, but I respect her parenting. Before the baby there was no problem with it. Since the baby, and since my ex wife reasonably reported her to dcf, she has these delusions my ex wife is manipulating and controlling me., that I always stick up for the ex. Well the ex and I don’t fight, and can come to reasonable agreement on most things, but this girlfriend wants to control everything about my exchange when and where etc. I’ve driven 20 minutes out of my way to try to appease this woman with her berating me the entire way. There is nothing that pleases her except doing exactly what she says and even that’s no garuntee. Anyways I’m in school full time, doing stay at home dad. Agreed to it when relationship was a [censored] of a lot better. Now I’m utterly stuck and stashing $50 here and there to gtfo. Her dad has become a trusted piece of support. [censored] I guess I don’t need advice just need to vent. Anyone else deal with irrational jealousy towards the ex and obscene need for control?
Hello Pantheon,
My stance with controlling people is, to ask myself if they are being fair and reasonable in their manner?
If not, I personally would not allow a jealous / controlling person to influence what is reasonable in my life.
I find that these type of people take away the right of the individual to have a life and make decisions which is their right to have and do. Added to which a person who is controlling slowly causes confidence in the other person to disintegrate over a period of time to the degree they can become totally dominated which is both unhealthy for that person and in my opinion does not lead to a healthy relationship. I believe control and manipulation are totally destructive traits that cause misery to all those involved, except the one person who tries to control.
You sound as though you have a very healthy relationship with both your two sons and your ex wife and this should be maintained. In continuing to allow an unreasonable person who wishes to control and manipulate only serves to allow them to ruin relationships, be destructive and cause a great deal of unhappiness.
I've had this with a fiance - there were no children involved (but did share dogs with me ex) and fiance saw anything that wasn't strictly routine as a sign that ex was controlling, even though it was often for both our benefit to change arrangements. I wasn't even allowed to mention the ex by name.
The issue was that I had an amicable end to my marriage, whereas the fiance's previous relationships had all ended very badly, so she hadn't experienced an ex relationship that could go well. Eventually, the relationship had to end, as it was deteriorating and would have become very bitter.