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I am a married man of 48 and been married for 26 years. We have 4 children who I love dearly. My wife and I are of two different cultures. I am of Ghanian decent and she is of Jamaican parentage and has never lived in Jamaica. Her parents returned to Jamaica 6 years ago and her mother (my mother in Law) suffered a stroke. Last two years she has been unwell. My wife went to see her last year after a long long time.While she was there she kept calling me and putting her mum on the phone to speak to me. I could hardly understand her. I later found out that any time she spoke to the kids they were able to understand what she was saying.
In short I have been put under immense strees and pressure since, my wife says that she wants to now move over there nearer her mum. Her dad is still strong and provides good care and support as well as other carers.
I found out after christmas that her brothers are putting pressure on her to go and be there. They have been and seen their mother and they do not seem to want to move over there.
I have just found out that my wife is seeking advice for a divorce through a very close friend of hers who is devastated that she can't believe it without discussing anything with me.
She feels that in jamaican culture she is supposed to inherit as well as be the one closer to her mum. She has indicated that she now has come to her realization that her parents warned her before we married.
I need someone who can explain this as this is a cultural difference that has shocked me. My wife is now trying to get jobs in America, she is not speaking to me and I have not done anything whatsoever I feel helpless. I am a God fearing man but I am now not sure why such, can come in such a time like this. I have been unable to go to work and I feel as if nothing matters anymore.
Please help
Os
Hi Millerzd,
What a tough one mate, I can't believe she is thinking of divorce and choosing her mother over you. Has her family always been quite dominant like this, or is this the first time this has reared its head? I guess you've tried to talk one-to-one with her and asked why it feels like she is putting her parents above you and the kids? Is there someone else you could talk to together? a pastor, or some friends both of you trust? My wife and i have a couple we really trust and have been able to talk to them about stuff in our relationship..
What do the kids think, I guess if they have grown up here, that they are keen to stay in the UK? Or is their some attraction of the US / Jamaica?
Would you consider going over there for a few years, or is it a no go? Could be a bit of an adventure as a family?
Looking after aging parents is so important in so many cultures, so i guess your situation is possibly not uniquely cultural.... My only understanding of those two cultures is that of stronger matriarchal culture in the Caribbean vs a more patriarchal one in West Africa..... I guess in a matriarchal culture it is the women that lead in the family and perhaps hence her brothers expectation (& pressure)..... Although as i said I wonder if culture is less of an issue than the worry and feeling of responsibility to her mother....
Man, post again and let us know how its going.
Ron
Hi Millerzd,
I'm really sorry to read the problems you are experiencing.
It sounds to me, from what you have said, like you and your wife have not really sat down and talked this through. I would agree with Ronaldo you need to talk this through together and if it would help with someone you both trust. You obviously care for your wife and your marriage so if this is the first inkling of problems between the two of you there must be a way to work this out. I
You sound understandably down at the moment - hang in there and keep us posted.
Gooner
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