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Hi folks,
I'm struggling a bit so I thought I'd cast my net and see what enlightenment the good folks of Dad Talk might be able to offer.
Background - I left my wife and 3-year old daughter last year after things came to a head. The relationship was always very controlling, with a daily dose of criticism, belittlement and temper thrown at me, combined with what appeared (and I use that word because these are very highly subjective matters) to be a will to isolate me from my support networks of friends and family by outright verbal abuse, or by a drip feed of 'if they really cared they'd do X'. In isolation, no single incidence would matter - it's what happens in any relationship when tempers flare - but cumulatively it was like Chinese water torture and I felt, rightly or wrongly, that nothing I did was right, and that I would do pretty much anything to try and placate the anger. Colleagues were forever gently pointing out the oddity of that behaviour compared with a normal relationship and when things came to a head and I was told that I'd have to do all the running, I summoned up some guts and left. I moved away to get some space and started building some new support networks (I wasn't allowed to do any of that nonsense where I was) before the cost of fuel to go back and see little one (I wasn't prepared to take her to my place as the neighbours were a right bunch of druggies who I'd never allow a kid anywhere near) prompted me to move back nearer my old place.
Cue the inevitable spending far too much time - not in a getting back together sense, I hasten to add - with the ex, undoing all the healing that had taken place before, and lo and behold she's met someone new and as well as the inevitable if irrational feelings of failure, regret and jealousy it's kind of brought all the bad stuff back to the fore in a very raw and hurty way.
I can kind of deal with there being another bloke on the scene, intellectually at least (though that irrationally hurts like f*** too) but it's almost like separating all over again, and I'm really struggling now to come to terms with just how badly I was treated and why... any thoughts and advice are very, very much appreciated...
Heya!
I know just where youre coming from! My story is very similar, and having been in two emotionally abusive relationships, I've seen a pattern appear.
It sounds good that you had the guts to get out and get your head together and get some support around you, theres nowt worse than being alone when your heads a mess, it can lead to some very self-defeating behaviour indeed. Been there, bought that t-shirt!!
My soon-to-be-ex also tried to break me away from my support of friends, family, etc in a controlling way, and its probably down to her own self-worth too. I found my Mrs had chronic issues which were only helped by controlling someone else (me) and I did all I can to placate her during arguments too.
Its natural to feel a degree of hurt for some time after, its almost like waking up from a nightmare, but finding someone truly loving to help you get over her will help, and hopefully - unlike me - do try and spot the signs early on. Bouncing back into another identical relationship just compounds the issue.
Head up and eyes open time!
Keep on truckin'!
Take a look at this, but google others
http://m.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-abused-men
There should be plenty of support groups for abused men (and be in no doubt, you were in an abusive relationship) - if you can contact others close by who have been in a similar situation, that could help quite a lot.
Hi guys, I hope you don't mind me butting in. I had an abusive relationship with my kiddiwinks father. Its been nearly 4 yrs since I thankfully left the situation, 3 yrs divorced. He has moved on to his next victim-getting married to her v soon., I have had difficulty forming a relationship because of the abuse and trust issues. My kiddiwinks are my priority-hence remaining single. My ex's fiance abused my kiddiwinks,tho due to lack of evidence everything has been dropped and normal access to resume. Thankfully I have a career to focus on, tho a special someone would be nice. However I can see myself being single for the foreseeable future : (
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