In January this year my, then, wife started being extra distant and strange with me. She was locking herself in the bedroom and talking to people on VRChat, she was being secretive about who she was speaking to, always hiding her phone conversations and texts, etc. By February I was beginning to get suspicious as I'd not slept in our bed for over a month and basically wasn't allowed to. She didn't want to get close or do anything but deal with her "friends" problems.
In March just after my sons birthday I caught her having immersive cybersex with a random guy, as it turns out she had started an online relationship with multiple men from across the world. When I walked in on her she told me to get out of the room and close the door and carried on doing it as if there was nothing wrong. It completely turned my world upside down after 15 years. We have 6 children and were living a modest lifestyle as a result. So paycheck to paycheck, always putting the children 1st.
A bit of time went by and I decided I shouldn't have to keep putting up with it so we spoke/argued about it and one of us had to move out, this was decided to be me, although I was the one paying all the bills and I still largely am paying for the mortgage.
I have no friends in the area that they live anymore because she went around telling people that I was an abusive and controlling husband and she left me because of that so I couldn't move close by because everybody thinks that is true. In reality, I've been led to believe that she said these things to rationalise what she was doing to make herself feel less guilty about the way she carried on.
I had to leave my home, my children, move to rented accommodation in a place I don't even know to be as near to my children, while still being near my own support network. I'm paying a fortune in child maintenance and I do get to see the children whenever I want but I feel like ultimately I'm the one being punished for her selfishness.
Not only all of the above but her parents know what she has done and yet treat me like I'm the one who ruined it all. I dedicate most of my free time from work to go and see the children and they all make out like I'm a deadbeat dad that does nothing for them. I can barely afford to feed myself with all my money tied up in paying my rent, bills, child support and travel to see the children so I'm not able to either treat the children to a nice day out or treat myself to anything, yet, my ex has had 3 holidays without the children, several men around the house I'm paying for and even introduced the children to some of them. Whenever I seem to have any time to myself she'll come up with a reason for me to be there and if I can't make it tell me I'm "letting the children down". There's no way I'm able to live my own life and I have to stand by and watch her live her new life with her multiple partners. Her parents know what she's doing wrong but seem to ignore it entirely to make their own lives easier and have even validated what she's doing to her on numerous occasions.
I have no idea what I'm asking here but does anyone have any advice on how I can live my own life, deal with having no money left every month because its all tied up all the time and show everyone that I'm a good father and not the false picture they're painting of me?
hi, are you paying child maintenance privately or through CMS? if you have equal day to day care of kids, then you should not be paying maintenance.
Hi Bill,
I'm sorry for the extremely slow response to this. I've chosen to ignore the false accusations now and focus on my relationship with the children. People will see me for who I really am and come to their own conclusions over time.
My problem this year is I've gotten to a point where I've had approval from work to be flexible once every 2 weeks and this would cater for 50/50 shared care which I believe would be really good for the children to have me in their lives. I found a house I was offered to rent (albeit for a lot more than I can afford if I kept up the current child maintenance payment arrangement) in the children's area and proposed 50/50 to my ex and her parents who told me that they would have to assess how it would affect her benefits if she finally took on the mortgage herself and didn't receive child maintenance (to answer your question this is through a private arrangement and due to paying so much I've been struggling but been able to get over there at least once a week for day visits only). In taking so long in assessing her benefits I lost the offer for the house and have since learned that the amount child maintenance received has no effect at all on benefits. So basically this appears to translate to her choosing money over the children being happy and having their dad in their lives.
The children are all of school age so she does have the time to pick up a job of some sort even if it was part time but she chooses not to. Her mum does all the school runs and has the children from 7am until around 8pm every weekday so she could even get herself a full time job if she chose to and when the children are at home with her they tell me that to get her attention they have to go to her in her bedroom to talk because she is still spending all her time online. It kills me to think that my youngest (4 years old) is under the supervision of my oldest (14), one because a 4 year old is practically fending for herself when her mother is not being present with them and 2 for the 14 year old who is having to take parental responsibility when he should really be able to be a 14 year old and do what 14 year olds do. The lavish spending and trips abroad haven't stopped, I've recently seen an old takeaway ordering account which shows she has been spending over £300 a week at times on takeaways and she's still taking trips alone to North America for 2 weeks at a time so affordability for her doesn't seem to have any bearing on this decision to not allow 50/50 at all. This is purely either control she doesn't want to give up, parental alienation or both.
I have no idea what I can do anymore because no matter what I seem to suggest that will benefit everybody I'm hitting a wall. Every suggestion I make is shot down and I can't keep paying my ex's way while sacrificing being able to afford to see my children more than once a week. This question is open to everybody when I ask, what is my next move?
Thanks
Mephistopheles
hi,
if your struggling financially, you could check the CMS calculator and switch to the payments it recommends: https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance
have you actually gone through the divorce process yet? I would expect that the financials with the house would be sorted as part of that.