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Struggling mentally

 
Jhncf
(@jhncf)
New Member Registered

My girlfriend and I have a one month old son. We've been together for around a year and the majority of the relationship has been pretty bad. She's a very manipulative and controlling person and if she doesn't get what she wants or things don't go her way then her first response is to say or do the most hurtful thing possible which during the pregnancy involved her making threats about not letting me see my son once he was born. I also recorded me asking her why she would keep me from seeing him and her saying that she could make many things up if she wanted to.. She moved in not long after we discovered she was pregnant, she moved back to her mothers a month later, moved back in with me a few months later then moved back out a few months ago. Every day involves walking on eggshells or she goes in a mood for hours if I don't agree to every single thing she says or wants. I'm currently working 6 days a week and after work i'm getting home, walking my dogs and going to her mothers and step fathers house to see my son until I have to go home to bed. She makes this extremely awkward at times by talking to me like crap in front of them or shouting if we're upstairs to make sure everyone can hear what she's saying to me. I'm honestly at break down point.. I have a terrible relationship with her and she still treats me like crap even though i'm there during any time outside work, drive her around everywhere, buy my son whatever he needs etc and I don't think I can do it any longer. I would've ended the relationship a few months in if she hadn't fallen pregnant but I was terrified of missing out on the birth and growing up of my son. I know for a fact that if I end the relationship she's going to completely turn on me and make things as difficult as possible. I also don't want to be stuck only seeing and spending time with my son by sitting in the living room of her mums house with her mum and step dad watching me while my girlfriend sits upstairs, it's uncomfortable and awkward and doesn't allow me to bond with him properly, she's put me in this situation a few times when she's been in a mood.. Sorry for the rant, I just don't know where to turn or what to do here and i'm struggling alot at this point.

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Topic starter Posted : 20/09/2021 6:28 pm
edpacket
(@edpacket)
Trusted Member Registered

@Jhncf I cannot give you much hope. I just want to give you my support as I know how difficult it is. I went through a similar situation, I tried everything to keep my son's mother happy to stay in my son's life but in the end, it didn't work and we are in a terrible court battle. From what you described, I think it would be impossible to agree on anything with your girlfriend so your only option is to go to court to access your child. It is a long and horrible process and it will take many months and money (be ready for her to stop all contact, to claim domestic violence to get legal aid, and file for a non-molestation order against you with wild accusations without any base). The process starts with you applying for mediation. The mediator will invite your girlfriend to attend mediation. If she refuses to attend, the mediator will give you a form that allows you to go to court. Then you need to file a child arrangement order using form C100. The fee for applying is 215 pounds. You don't need a solicitor to apply. It is quite simple and there is a lot of information on this site and on the Internet. There are usually 3 hearings and several months in between them. If she claims domestic abuse there has to be an additional fact-finding hearing. 

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Posted : 20/09/2021 8:50 pm
Champagne
(@champagne)
Estimable Member

Thats a very sad story.  I guess she wasn't always like that so is there any way you can get couples counselling?  I'm not a counsellor but it sounds as though she's not happy living where she does.  She also may have post natal depression.  Would it be better if you saw her twice in the week to give you both a break?  The tough thing is that it takes ages going through the courts if that is how it ends up.  If you feel you are the victim of domestic abuse, is there a charity locally that may be able to help you?

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Posted : 20/09/2021 9:26 pm
Clarinet
(@clarinet)
Estimable Member Registered

Hello, thank you for your openness and honesty, it can’t have been easy to explain. 
From what I have read I think you have done really well so far, despite your difficult relationship with your girlfriend you have stayed with her and by your son. I understand that of course you need to be a part of your sons life - but I would strongly recommend that you seek professional counselling or relationship guidance about some positive steps forward for you and your girlfriend. It can be a difficult time for any partnership when a new baby comes along, let alone when you yourself are being mentally and physically and emotionally worn down. You don’t say how old you both are ? Please go and see your GP for some more guidance- in order to be the best dad you can be - you need to be strong in yourself. Focus on what you do have - which from reading this is - access to your son after you have worked. Focus on the 1-1 time you can have with him, you are as entitled to this as his mum is. Have you tried to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel ? Have you a close relative or friend that could back you up and support you? Sorry for all the questions, but you obviously love and care for your son and so I really feel that by getting yourself some support you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is always hope, I am sorry that you have such a stressful “in-law” family situation, but if you remain polite, caring and respectful to them you are going to be setting the best example to your son. The charity Relate has great resources and advice on relationships and does counselling, and I said earlier your GP may be able to refer you to someone. Also maybe worth checking with the health visitor about your girlfriend and how she is feeling. post natal depression can factor into things after having a baby.
I hope there are some useful bits in here, try to take one day at a time and keep a journal to write down how you feel, or record yourself talking if that’s easier. It really helps to get those thoughts out sometimes so we can think clearer.
Kind Regards. Spurgeons Parent Support Volunteer.   

 

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Posted : 22/09/2021 6:38 pm
johnke
(@johnke)
New Member Registered

Hi friend, sorry you are in this but what i can assure you is that this is not a permanent situation it will come to pass.

my ex had the exact behaviour. it really affected me mentally, most times I thought of suicide, it was too much for me to handle. our son is 2years old and I could not get to see him, most times I called to talk with him, she would hail abuses that really affected my self esteem, I had to enrol for counselling sessions. 

I don't earn much money hence I could not even think of going to Courts.

with counselling each day became better, i had to train myself not to call her, as others have suggested sometimes giving her that space can do wonders.

each day that I didn't get to interface with her made me strong, but yet I was loosing being with my Son. For my health sake I had to cut communication.

 

its now only one month since I haven't  interfaced with her, sometimes I break the rule and call her to talk with my son but it always turns ugly and hence I have let it go.

I send upkeep every month that's up to 40% of my net income, I have told her we reduce, she has threatened if I do so , I will never see my son, even if he dies she says she will never let me know.

 

even in this period friend it is wise to take good care of your physical and mental health sometimes it migh tinvolve reducing on the times you get to visit.

and counselling too will work.

keep sharing most people are very willing to help

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Posted : 23/09/2021 3:27 pm
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