[Solved] Struggling Single dad after parnter cheated on me
Update, The kids are doing so well they have come out of there shell and are more confident than they ever have been in the past, so much that the teachers are being so positive in there change as they are now achieving so much more in school 🙂
On the Court side of things we could not come up with an agreement so its going out to Court date number 3 eeeeppppp.....
On the plus side my ex now is ready to sit down and talk ( she does not want to take it to court number 3) shes sounding like she is now thinking that its a good idea that the kids now stay with me with good arrangements for her to see the kids every other weekend plus a friday night till a sat over a month.
Fingers very crossed as this would be great of this is the case..... my problem is that in a way and i know im over thinking it is that now she has her new life with my ex best friends and shes now lived 4 months with out kids day in day out shes basically option for that world and her man over the children..... I know its what I want but its sad and a bitter victory (if it all works out), I was with her for 12 years and guess she was a better person..... strange how the picture in are head of some one is better then reality.
It's good that it's finally looking like it could be resolved. If she's looking that way inclined, I'd get the child arrangement order sorted, just in case she changes her mind in the future.
Glad things are sounding more positive.
You would likely have to attend the 3rd hearing even if you reach agreement as more often than not, a judge would want to hear your reasons for wanting to end proceedings.
I agree with actd, even if you get things sorted, you can both tell the court what you've agreed to and they can put it into a Child Arrangement Order. It's not uncommon for the other party to agree during proceedings to get them to end and then go back on the agreement.
Yep I do agree, she was just wasting time by the looks of it and would not come up with something we agreed on, she still wants the kids to live with her, but there has been so many time since the brake up she has put her own happiness well before the children's. Also chosen time with her new partner instead of the kids.
In the bright site I have got to a point where I would never what her back, once i realized this life got so much easier, ok still some heavy rock needed now and then plus some time on the punch bag lol but im in a lot better place.
I know I'm lucky not many dads get the opportunity to being up the children, to help them in a time which is devastating for them and seeing them come out stronger, doing better then ever before at school and they have come out of there shells so much. It does make me laugh when my ex belittles their progress but I guess she does not want to admit Im doing an OK job.
So roll on court case number 3, I would of have had the children with me at that point for 8 months, so time is on my side 🙂 3 amazing letters from there school saying how well they have done, if my ex was to have them then her only option would be to move there schools. My ex does get them 2 and half weekends a month so i get time to my self to play rugby (omg thats one good outlet for this ). Also have my first Date tonight, I feel I need to start moving on but doing it careful as the kids dont need another curve ball added to there life's at the sec so taking the dating part slow.
Thanks every one for your reply's and help this forum is great, I will bug every one again once court date number 3 is getting closer as i can see me having 1 mil questions.
It's been a while and so so much has happened in the time since i last posted and a very long story, lots of ups - even more downs, Close friends and family showing their true colours and also fitting in finding the actual love of my life (the girl I went on a date with last post - now my wife) and gaining an amazing step daughter whos now just slotted in with my 5 kids perfectly - letting her join their wolfpack 🙂
I'm one of the very lucky ones and won joint custody in the end.. but the reality is they live with me 5 days a week and go to there mums 5 out of 8 weekends - so pretty much full custody just not on paper!
The kids have their own struggle and their mum does play mind games with them but it affects them less now.
Will add more detail to this post later about what went on but I'd like to thank every one for all your help and advice - its made the dark days seem brighter.
Things that helped me though the hard time
1. The kids and seeing them laugh and smile, also seeing my older son (from another relationship but came over most weekend) stepping in / up and helping his younger brothers and sister (and me) though a hard time. He makes me proud...
2. Music, i have a mix of taste, i like music which has meaning and have songs for good time and bag in my life. So made a mass playlist and went to sleep with it going.
3. Reading, epic writer called David Gemmell. The odds are always stacked against the hero and there more to the books that win loss good bad... worth a read
4. Dont let the bastards get you down, fight back but fight smart, never give them what they want... if they want you to lose it then take a deep breath and just be nice back.... if they text you shitty things or things to mess with your mind then just dont reply no matter how much you want to.
5. Be the better person, its not about you and her its about the amazing things you brought into this world. As rolling with the punches and them seeing you be strong (no matter how you feel inside, hard i know). Its hard on you but 1 million times harder on them as there whole world has changed.
6. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can ride the train rather than let it run you over....
thanks for your positive advice. its point number 4. that i need to work on :p
im pretty new on here. surprised to see you post after 3 year absence lol. i went through court earlier this year. 3 hearings. now fresh hearing coming up in january.
I was having a few drinks with the wife then remembered about this epic group, so let the wife have a read though the fun times I was having before I met her.
Im thankful im almost out the other side but still struggle as i had 12 years of mental abuse from the kids mum, but the woman I married is very understanding and helping me with it.
The kids are epic they have their struggles but we are all close so I do my best to make help them, also adding my wifes kid into the mix some how just worked and its like they have always been brothers and sisters.
My solicitor was epic i was lucky to find him, i meet up with 6 and he was the only one I trusted to fight in my corner also my gut told me he was my best chance... he was the only one who told me how it was basically he said "i stood a good chance of losing", the rest of them where like sales people who would sell their own granny.
He gave me some good advice which kept me one step ahead, document everything.. use texts and keep your replys calm. Also admit to any mistakes, tell the true and when questioned show your passion for your kids add the stories about them that make you smile.
Good luck in Jan and keep me posted
Thanks for coming back on here and updating us. Sounds like you've done pretty well from where you were originally.
Thanks for the update. I just read your story, I’m glad it had a good ending.
I can’t believe how lucky you were to go on one date and meet your next wife. That almost never happens!
Did you meet her online,if so which site? I think this aspect of your story deserves more details, I for one am very intrigued!
I’m a single dad of one but had given up on dating as I fell for someone but after nine months she called it quits as I’m just too busy to put my all into a relationship and she wanted someone more spontaneous etc as her kids are older and she has done enough parenting, which I guess if fair enough.
I really liked her though, so think I’ll just stay single until my 7 year old is much older and I have time to do other things...
Perhaps, see if there is a singles social group (not dating site) in your area and just go out and meet people, and don't worry about dating for the moment.
Thank you for the feedback.
We met on Tinder shockingly! I had basically written myself off on being able to have a relationship, I was just about getting by ish with money, I have 5 kids which she would need to get on with plus all my clothes were past it as my ex (and some times the kids when she was feeling nice) had priority, I also wanted some one who would understand me (tall order)... but still had some very very very small flame of hope but also had a feeling that really no one would want me.
I was lucky in a way due to the way my ex walked away I have no love for her, if she could hurt me that much and not care, plus her and my ex friend did their upmost to brake me by nasty remarks, nothing I did to bring up the kids was good enough and rub my face into it that they where together.... but some how the pain of the years of mental abuse made me fight, I was not going to let them win as I know what I was doing was right 🙂 ... also another drive was a good friend who had been pinning for an ex for 10 years and wasted years of his life for someone not worth a minute of his thoughts.... So I had clear in my head I could not and would let my ex affect my life any longer I must try to move on!
So I took a photo of myself in a yellow mr happy shirt (man really did not help myself) then it was time to write my profile (hahaha ok that prob wrote off 98% of the women on there looking at my profile) but I just knew if I was going to meet someone first they had to except the kids, second they had to take me for who I am...
Also to add to my profile and to make the 2% left run to the hills i wrote im not looking for a one night stand but was looking for a some one who wanted more.
I'm different, hate football, not a mans man, Ok i do play rugby and love it but im 5f6 bald and have a one pack, I get on with women better then a do with men and get friend zoned 99% of the time..... then I posted that sinking ship of a profile.
Ok first date was ...... interesting.... i thought whhoopp whhooopp a 21 year old intrested in Me i still have it... but omg i must be getting old it turns out she was really immature (and im a big kid) and stuck up .... man how damn grown up im getting in my old age. So dinner finished I dropped her off home as fast as i could and never met her again.
If at first you don't succeed try try again and after a few weeks some one wanted to chat. She was a really nice lady around the same age and we chatted for a while... but man this never happens to me.... another lady messaged me when I was stuck in traffic on the A34 coming back from work, I came up on her Tinder as i was like 2 miles away from her at that point (ok this was my now wife) the thing is I lived 60 miles away from this lady but as i worked near her I thought I would message her... hay i was shocked 2 options maybe me in that bright yellow mr happy Tshirt was maybe not at bad as I thought (ok it was bad my wife did get shot of it as fast as she could when we got together).
So the poilte English man that I am I chatted to them both, the first interest was nice but not what i was looking for, but as the obliging man I am I agreed to go on a date with her as we had been chatting for a while and I didn't want to be rude.
Then the other lady who I had also been messaging asked to meet on the same day aaaaasssss... I so wanted to cancel the first but did not want to be yet another man who let her down, so sorted a meet for the following weekend with the lady I really wanted to be on a date with.
So I went along to the first one switched on the really nice David to ensure I would be friend zoned by her and put her off a bit... it did work 🙂
Ok so the next date was coming up with a someone I was chatting to for hours every day and having chats on the phone every night when the kids where asleep. 2 days to go and I know I really liked her but I panicked a bit as I did not want to go for a date for the night and she did not like me so I set up a lunch time date with her and told her she can see if she likes me face to face and if not then just let me know and will let her off spending the hour with me lol.
Whoopp whoop the lunch date wasnt a disaster and she agreed to the dinner / night date... Crap the big problem I had was that my ex was giving me £0 to bring up the kids and I had next to no money, but thought as long as the kids can eat I would write off food for myself for the next 2 weeks and be able to buy this lady i really liked dinner.
Seems though that she is also not your average lady and she wouldnt let me pay for dinner as, as she said I had driven all the way to come to meet her.... Long story short that night and many more dates went well and it was fate we met.
1) she checked tinder as I was stuck in traffic and would never of come up living where i was
2) the way my wife did tinder was if she was pissed off she would look and say no to every profile
3) but if she was having a happy day she would say yes to every profile - IT was one of her good days
4) omg she never looked at my profile until we where really chatting
5) she almost did not meet me as she liked me and knew i was a nice guy she only had just finished with someone and did not want the hassle. it was only because i asked her on the lunch date she though stuff it will give him a go
and here we are today.. ups, downs, me driving her crazy... ex trying to fuck things up anyway she can but we are solid and best friends.. I still have self distruct and mess up in silly ways but im getting better... To Be Cont....