Hi... thanks for the replies and advice. I really dont think I could go to the police over this. My partner loves her daughter and probably does not even realize how her temper can effect us. Just the thought of doing that makes me terrified of the outcome.
In other ways she spoils her. She really is all she has got in life.
I've been building myself up this week to ask when my daughters bedroom can be cleaned out. It hasn't seen a hoover or a duster for over a year. I'm ashamed that i haven't had the courage to tell her that this is disgusting. The same for our bedroom yet the kitchen is kept pretty much spotless. She will begin her defence by saying she has work and is tired on her days off. (3 days off) . I will offer to help in any way although I have 2 jobs and work over 65 hours a week. I would even do it myself but would be told I wouldn't know how to sort out the stuff that needs to be kept and the stuff that needs throwing. Close friends give advice such as, just get in there yourself and do it while she is out and tell her to get lost if she doesn't like it. They don't understand the reaction I would get as they have probably never witnessed it before. I don't want my daughter to have to keep going through this. Thats why I keep quiet and live in a house that we are pretty much embarrassed to have anyone visit.
The fear and anxiety is becoming unbearable. I feel like digging a hole and jumping in but I want my daughter to see how a normal family live. I think all I can do is grow a pair and see the innevitable outcome. Then deal with it.
Has anybody else been in a similar situation?
Thanks
Hi there,
I know the thought of involving the police seems very scary and duanting but what you describe is verging on (if not) abuse both to yourself and your daughter, I fear that if you don't act then the outcome will be much worse for you and your daughter in the long run.
You say that you need to front up to the issues but as you've already said you don't feel that will end well and you will be in the middle of it all over again. It isn't healthy for you to live this way always being worried of what reaction you will get if you speak up.
If say it all comes to a head and [censored] breaks lose, if you lose your temper and leave then your daughter will end up being with her mum without your back up, which again from what you've said doesn't sound good.
I think you need to discuss this further with the police, maybe even informally at first to see what your options are.
Have you visited your GP yet?
GTTS
From reading this post top to bottom all i have to add to the current advice is, You and your daughter are number one priority.
If this all hits the fan and no action has been taken beforehand, the only person who will lose out is you.
I know its tough but you need to make a decision.
Regards,
Sean
Whatever you do Lovelife:
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE
Well, here i am again people. A couple more years down the line. Here's whats happened since my first post.
I left my partner eventually, staying at my mums about a mile away. However, i called on my house nearly every day to check on my daughter after school, making sure she had someone to talk to after school and also something to eat. I also maintained the large garden as it would have just grown wild without me there. So, like many people who have been in verbal/emotional relationships, I never made the clean break that you need.
After 3 months at my mums I felt things had changed and all would be good back at the house. I missed seeing my daughter at night, giving her lifts whenever she needed and all that sort of stuff.When I left the family home I cried non stop for 3 weeks, sometimes at work, it was that painful.
On the day I left my mums to go back my last words were, "don't worry mum, I will never let her scream and shout at me again,". What I forgot to do in that 3 months was tell my partner that. I somehow convinced myself that because of the pleasantries while apart, they would continue on my return.
When I had left, I remember saying to her that she should sit down after dinner and spend some time with our daughter instead of OCD washing up for 2 hours. This she did, but by now my daughter was growing up and would rather spend time in her own room. As I walked in the front door on my return, my partner said I now sit down after dinner and watch telly and get some me time after being at work for 4 week days. I said fair enough and this is where the trouble started already!! She would now start washing dishes at 11.30 so in a small flat it was pointless me going to bed until it was done. .. 12.30/45 as our bedroom was right by the kitchen. i offered to do the washing up if that helped. She would not let me do it. I would have it done in 20 mins. I was back on the couch from about week 2. I was getting up at 6 for work. It may seem picky to some but you begin to think, we haven't been intimate for years, is this just another control ploy to keep me away from her physically? On the occasions say at the weekend when I d get in the bed, I remember rolling over accidentally and my arm flopped around her. She jumped and said NO straight away, I wasn't even thinking of that. All the same I thought, whats the point anyway.
2 years down the line I have spent £3,000 on bedroom wardrobes so clothes could be put away. £3000 on our daughters room. £2500 on a new sofa, £8,000 on new kitchen units, 000's on wooden flooring so theres no carpets to be hoovered. In 5th year of a sexless relationship and count on one hand the 5 years before that.
I would have put up with that but most importantly, the screaming and shouting crept back in. In the last 3 months alone I had 3 outbursts. Ive been called vile, worse than the people that took her down the wrong path when in her 20's. Told to F*** off to my mothers on many occasions. My partner is so insecure but there is nothing that will change this, in the meantime I get all this abuse.
I pay the mortgage, all the bills, put a dinner in front of her 5 days a week including takeaways. I take my daughter nearly everywhere she needs to be as my partner needs her rest, she says shes an old lady at 55. My mum takes my daughter to after school classes twice a week and pays for them. My partner says my mum is lucky that she is allowed to take my daughter to these classes.. She says my mum is taking over. This is not the case, she just wants the best for all her grand children and treats them all the same.
Anyway, I walked out again 3 weeks ago, I couldn't take anymore. 2 more years of being on the couch and insulting verbal.
Then my daughter springs something on me. I ask her if she has anyone to talk to outside the house regarding the shouting etc. She then tells me she has been given a mentor at school especially for this. I doubt very much if her mum knows. I was heartbroken after hearing this. What must be going through her mind.
Now 3 weeks have passed by my partner knows I'm serious this time. What i'm really worried about is my daughter. Even though she knows its my partner who is the volatile one, she hardly speaks to me. She barely replies to my texts. I just called her now to say hello, she said she was going out with friends and hung up. I think her mum may have been there. I really think that she is too scared to talk to me. I also think the mentor, quite rightly has told my daughter not to take sides and distance herself when she hears the screaming. I'm at my wits end. I know this is just the beginning of a nightmare. My daughter has her gcse exams next year. I feel I should have given it one more year but I would have been on medication if I left it any longer.
I'm lost, frozen to the spot and don't know what to do!
Your daughter is probably treading carefully trying to avoid any conflict, and it's probably easier to withdraw from you than her mother. I would see if you can get some time alone with your daughter, maybe go out for a meal with her, and talk to her about how she feels, and what she thinks will happen now that you aren't there. Also consider that her friends are a refuge for her. I think that might be a starting point for the relationship with her.
Hi actd,
Thanks for replying.
Yes, I'm sure my daughter is avoiding contact with me to avoid conflict with her mum. As I said before, I have noticed a change in her in the last year year. I would definitely say her mentor has influenced the way she deals with the situation now. I have tried talking to my daughter one on one alone, she point blank refuses to discuss the situation or her feelings regarding the situation at home. When I ask if she wants to talk she stares straight ahead and says, I don't want to get involved. What can I say to that?
This is my beautiful daughter who 5 years ago said she couldnt live with her mum anymore because of her abuse. 3 years ago she said, you know mum used to scream at me regularly and slap me. She did say it had stopped as she got older.
I guess I will have to see how things unfold at the beginning of the new school term. My daughter will need lifts after school to her extra private maths lessons etc. Before I left, my mother would help out with lifts here but I can see my ex putting a stop to this. This is the first weapon she normally uses. My daughter turns 16 in November. In theory she should be free to chose who and when to see anyone she likes. However, the fear of her mothers reaction for the time being may well stop her being free. I guess I'll have to take each day as it comes.
Have a word with the school and see if they can get your daughter to see the pastoral care worker - this will be confidential so you won't get to know what happens unless your daughter gives her permission, and don't ask your daughter how it's going or what's being said - she has to know it's completely confidential and free from pressure, and that you won't even know if she is actually going or not.
Actd ...I think she's already been given a mentor at school, who is supporting her.
Taking things one day at a time is good advice, things will get better for you, given time. Leaving a long term relationship is hard, especially if there has been some form of domestic abuse.
I feel that your ex most probably has intimacy issues and her behaviour certainly sounds like avoidance tactics. Had you not decided to end the relationship, I would have strongly advised that you seek relationship counselling. It's quite common for women in their fifties, going through the menopause, to shy away from intimate contact, the problem can be both physical and emotional. This may be at the root of your ex's problems and might explain her anger.
Your daughter is at an age where she would probably start to withdraw from parental ties and prefer the company of her peers, so I wouldn't read too much into her attitude, she probably needs to find her own identity, particularly as she has also had experience of domestic abuse too. It's great that she has a mentor, someone thats there just for her. I would just let her know that you love her and are there for her and allow her to keep her own counsel... without pressure, she may grow strong enough to open up to you in the future, I think she may need more time to work things out for herself, and more growing up to do, until this happens. It's tough being a teenager at the best of times!
Bet of luck
Bit of an update. Been away for 4 or 5 weeks.now. Was very hard at first but calming down a little. Not seen much of my daughter just so she doesnt have to play piggy in the middle. Schools back now so hopefully she will want a few lifts here and there.
Anyway, since I've left I'm still looking for answers why it came to this. Although I know I can't go back, nothing will change. Today though, I found something that hit me like a brick. A website describing Borderline Personality Disorder. It describes my partners actions in so many ways. It sounds bad but I wish I had read this before I had left. It's very painful to take in. It feels like you are abondoning someone with an illness they don't know they have but you do. Heartbreaking stuff.
On top of that, I worry that my partner will move on to my daughter with this, if its the case she has BPD. How do you prove it when they probably wouldn't even see a doctor. Here is a link...
https://mental-health-matters.com/borderline-personality-and-abuse/
Sadly, you can't make a person seek help, especially if they have no insight into the part they themselves play in the chaos of their lives.
If she has this disorder, the likelihood is that it will impact on your daughter sooner or later... all you can do is to try and be there if or when it happens. Perhaps your daughter is old enough for you to share your concerns about her mother with her at some point; you don't have to go into detail about what you think it might be, but talk in broader terms of ageneral mental health issues, and reassure her that you are there for her whenever she needs you to be.
I hope this doesn't get much harder before it gets easier. It's now about 4 months since I left. Mentally, I am drained. I have done exactly what most online articles say to do when you leave a verbal abuser. Just keep away as much as possible as they try to suck you back in. Trouble is, I have to pick up and drop off my 15 year old daughter 3 times a week. My ex partner has believed all the time that I would come back eventually. Because it has been so long this time I think it is sinking in.
I have had 7 sessions with an ordinary counselor, this helps to talk but in all honesty it hasn't helped me to move on. I feel guilty because my ex still can't see that she was abusive to both me and my daughter. My daughter is now piggy in the middle. Although I don't do drugs, I compare myself to someone coming off of heroin. The minute I wake up I still immediately think of the situation I am in. I worry about my daughter all day. I keep my phone on silent because I dread the noise of a phone call from the ex although she has only called a few times. I sometimes pray before I go to bed that I don't wake up in the morning. It's becoming unbearable. Is this what most people go through after leaving a similar relationship?
I have now begun to tell myself that maybe it wasn't her screaming but me being too sensitive.
Over the 7 sessions of talking to the counselor, she has understood my situation and equaled it to emotional abuse, however, she also says she feels so sorry for my ex. I explained her past before she met me, in detail. Stuff I wouldn't put on here. She pretty much said her head must be so messed up. She also said there is probably more that I don't know about, stuff that may have happened in her early childhood, causing her to go off the rails later which is all I got to hear about.
I'm still staying at my mums in a nice place. However, she is trying to save me while she has seen how for 15 years + I have tried to pacify and help my partner through life once I saw the crazy side of her. Quite rightly my mother knows I have to cut emotional ties and worry about myself. The trouble is, as someone who has gone through this, you are conditioned to worrying about the abuser. I'm still scared for her, my daughter and now for my own sanity and I can't snap out of it!
People tell me I have done the hard bit. But when you have been treated like this for years, I know its going to take years recover, if that is even possible. Sometimes, when I read articles or true stories on verbal abuse, they say some people never get out. I can see why now. This is the most painful thing I've been through even though I know it's the right thing to do. If I could have one wish, it would be to convince my ex to see someone in mental care, not a counselor, someone hardcore that can help. I know this is very unlikely but would help me in my recovery. I know it sounds a bit selfish but I need help as well as her now.