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[Solved] Verbally abusive partner wants me to leave.

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Yoda
 Yoda
(@yoda)
Famed Member

Maybe during the next 10 minute drive you could ask her if she wants to go out for dinner or coffee? She might act as if she doesn't really need you right now, but be patient, it's probably very difficult for her too. I'm guessing she's very confused about a lot of things given her age.

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Posted : 03/01/2019 1:57 pm
lovelife
(@lovelife)
Active Member Registered

Quick update from me.
After nearly 3 years of leaving my ex, i'm now at a point where my daughter is not talking to me. I continued paying the mortgage and all utility bills while my ex still had a part time job. While I lived in a room at my mums. Thinking this would make life easier for my daughter until she left school and went to Uni.

Sadly, as predicted by many. My kindness has done me little good. I also made a point of not meeting anyone so my ex would not get pissed off while my daughter was living at home. Well now, after ignoring several texts over the past 2 months, I bumped into my 18 year old daughter and asked her why she hasn't replied. She told me that her mum was ill suffering with depression and that I had hurt her.
When I explained that she herself had witnessed many times over the years her mums outbursts, she was in denial. She said I had no reason to leave her mum. This is the girl that told me she didn't want to live with her mum any more at 10 years old. At 14 she told me of her mothers mad behaviour when I was out of the house. And at 16 she told me she had a special mentor at school to deal with the situation at home. She is now in denial of all this.
I expect my daughter will now go off to Uni without saying goodbye to me. Because I made things so easy for her mum financially, my daughter has never had to rely on me or ask for anything.. She has become distant.
Its wicked. You put up with abuse for 16 years, your daughter sees whats going on and then get shafted. Totally brainwashed.
I took my daughter everywhere, she never went without. I never screamed at her or mocked her like her mother did and you get this. If my ex has done this now, I dread to think what she will be like when I ask for my half of the house!
Very sad indeed. Feel like my life is a blank canvass at 56.

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Topic starter Posted : 05/08/2020 6:40 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. However I feel there is another way of looking at things.

Rather than look at it as being shafted and that your daughter is in denial and that you have no return on the money you paid etc is it not the case that maybe your daughter has been impacted terribly by her parents splitting up and that denial/rejection is part of this and either she or you or both need further support/counselling to come to terms with what has happened. Or alternatively in time hopefully she will come to see things for herself as her own life develops exactly what happened. The fact that your daughter has grown up and is on the verge of university is a credit to you too not just the mother and the money you paid has brought her up and allowed her to get to this point. Maybe you can take a step back and admire what you have achieved without needing your daughter or others to validate this for you? After all how many 18 year olds or teenagers really appreciate what their parents did for them?

Maybe it is time for you to move on with life, sell up the house and if the time is right another partner etc. Yes there may well be issues raised by your ex and threats from your daughter who may say she will stop speaking to you if you try to take the house etc but you may need to look past this to focus on yourself, be proud that your daughter is 18 and that you have supported where you could and that it is now time for you to put yourself first. In time hopefully your daughter will understand and come round.

All the best..

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Posted : 05/08/2020 10:22 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

PS I appreciate that with everything you have been through and suffered over the years that it must seem very difficult to look at the positives in things but from my view I feel there are lots of positives for you which my previous post was trying to focus on.

I also think it is great how you have come onto here and shared updates with the forum.

I really do believe it is now time for you to focus on yourself whatever that looks like to you. When I separated from my ex and had issues with the criminal justice system I could easily have gone off the rails or worse. However I was given some advice which was to look after myself so that when my kids do eventually come knocking will they find someone who conforms to the picture that my ex has painted or will they find a father who is in a good place to support them and guide them through life?

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Posted : 05/08/2020 10:43 pm
Bill337
(@bill337)
Famed Member

hi lovelife,

sorry to hear about your issues with your daughter. what was your relationship like over the years, was she spending time with you regularly?

a relative of mine is married. all his teen kids don't really pay much attention to him or show any interest in spending time with him. they just do their own thing. he gets along well with his 7 year old child.

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Posted : 06/08/2020 1:49 am
lovelife
(@lovelife)
Active Member Registered

In answer to Daddyup, I have had coucelling many times since my daughter was born. Brought on by the ex but realize now a lot was to do with my upbringing. I had a physically abusive father. Only found out he was my stepfather at 37. My mum was very controlling also. This messed me up in my adult years. Unable to set boundaries and trying to please everyone. Still like it now but aware of it.

Anyway, I've never told my daughter she owes me anything. I owe her. She changed my life when she was born. I became a different person. Kicked my fruit machine addiction. Only had a couple of pints in the pub for social reasons. Would never have a beer during the day time so that I was available for her at any time until she was 16. Gave up smoking, bought a house which is nearly paid off. She owes me nothing. However, she really is the only person I have loved unconditionally and this situation breaks my heart. I am ready to walk away now until she comes looking for me. I know it could be years so I have to put it out of my mind.

And to Billy. Yes, we were close but you can only get so close with the way her mum was. . I done all the dad things. Laid beside her in bed from about 3 until 7 or 8 years of age until she dropped off. Not saying all the time but around 80 % of the time it would be me taking her swimming, horse riding, birthdays, taking her friends to the park, brownies, youth club on Friday and Wednesday nights,extra lessons on Monday nights, taught her to cook things. Her mum done a four day week. I was doing 70 hours but still squeezed it in. It was a struggle sometimes but I still l loved that time with my daughter. It was the fact that her mum pulled all the strings in such a controlling and sometimes aggressive way that we are in the situation we are in now. It's time for me to get look after myself now and see what happens over the next few years.

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Topic starter Posted : 07/08/2020 7:13 pm
Clarinet
(@clarinet)
Trusted Member Registered

Hi Lovelife, After reading through this, just want to wish you all the best as you begin a new journey in your life. i agree with Daddyup, you should be pleased that you have enabled your daughter to get to the point in her life that she is at now. Believe that in her heart she still loves her dad, and that one day when she is older, she will look back and see that you only wanted the best for her. What has happened is in the past - time to live each day and look forward. All the best.

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Posted : 11/08/2020 3:17 pm
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