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Hi,
My wife and I aren't getting on. After several years of counselling and passive aggression I'm pushing for separation to protect the children. My wife (while asking for a written separation proposal) is refusing to respond saying that I'm free to leave whenever I want on her terms or stay.
What can I do?
My proposal was effectively 50/50. We earn the same, we have an equal share of the house (almost), and have similar pensions (almost). I have been an active Dad during the past 10 years, school runs etc So I proposed she and the boys stay in the house, but they stay with me every other weekend, and a couple of nights during the week. After for two years we split the equity in the house 50/50 so I can get my own place.
Her terms are: I move out, she keeps the house, the boys get to stay with me one day a fortnight, and a couple of visits during the week days; and of course I pay 20% maintenance. I don't think I should move out until we have agreed the terms of separation.
Any advice?
I also think she is trying to build up a case to discredit me; alleging that my behaviour is the cause of issue and that I refuse to address it. Obviously this is not my view, I'm completely sane and calm about the whole situation, I'm attending personal counselling to be 100% sure there is nothing more I can do, before making that important decision.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Brendan
I can't say I've been where you are, my decision to leave was a snap decision of just having enough, her terms don't seem fair at all and I would suggest maybe trying mediation, not to resolve the issues of the relationship as it seems you have tried this already, but to try to resolve the issues of who has what and the contact with your children.
Something else worth noting is that although it is very tough to give in and eccept less that you feel you deserve from the equity and the house, it can sometimes be better and more cost effective in the long run to take a smaller percentage rather than long battles through solicitors, where the only person that actually wins is the solicitor through the fees you pay.
when it comes to contact, what you propose of every other weekend is fair and is what most dads opt for, if your able to get a few days/nights mid week too then that would be better as 2 weeks becomes a long time between visits.
Like I said the main thing to remember is pick your battles, and only go after the ones that are worth fighting in terms of money and energy, also don't forget yourself, you will be going through lots of emotions yourself and it's easy to forget this while concentrating on sorting all the issues out and you end up run down.
Lots of us on here have been through similar to yourself and we are happy to share experiences and advice.
Darren
Thanks Darren, good advice about picking the right battles, and compromising. I think she is feeling insecure and trying to cling on to what she has. I'm hopeful that after we agree separation she will do the right thing. Deep down she is a nice person, but at the moment she's being hostile and nasty at times; it really hurts me when she's like this especially when it's in front of our boys. Thanks for your reply and support. Brendan
It's a stressfull time, I hope you get sorted.
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Darren
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