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Hey,
I'm about to become a new dad and have a million and one thoughts going through my mind that I need to share with people that can help me through this early stage, hopefully I'm in the right place.
The moment I met Sara I knew she would be the one. Everything about her screamed 'BTP' [Bunmi's Total Package], she didn't think the same at first she thought I had a stupid hat on and was cocky. Fast foreword a few weeks and we were steam rolling into a loving relationship that we both knew would last forever.
Have we had up's and downs, [censored] yes! However the past two years have been the best of my life with a wonderful woman by my side who is my best friend, confidante, lover, therapist, life coach, soon to be mother of my children and so much more. I'm the planning type of guy who likes to have structure and control and to organise as best I can. Sara is also like me however she is very much a can do kind of girl, she'll muck in and get her hands dirty where needs be whether its drilling or putting out the decking. She quite often puts me to shame with her handy repertoire of D.I.Y. skills, she says it's from her dad [plumber] I say it's from her Swedish heritage. With work being so full on [I'm a restauranteur] it's great to come home and have someone take the driving seat in home life.
As with many couples leading busy and quite often hectic lifestyles deciding when the right time to have babies was a sticky point. I wanted to wait a little longer as I've just opened the most hyped about restaurant on the planet but she felt ready ahead of me. Eventually we compromised and agreed that after the restaurant has been opened a few months we'd start and once the decision was made she fell pregnant instantly.
My baby [Sara] likes romance and drama and called me at work to tell me 'I must come home it's super important'. At the time I had Ronnie Woods dining with Aaron Young [Owner of Halycon Gallery] plus Simon Kelner of the Independent, Jonathan Ross and Jeremy Paxman in the restaurant, for the restaurant it was a exceptionally busy Saturday night and my presence was needed there but I had to leave as something super important was happening at home. On route home I was worrying thinking is she ok, have we been robbed blah blah blah. At no time did I think she was going to tell me 'I'm pregnant'. When those words came out I was not excited as I should have been and said honey could you have not waited to tell me!!!!
Fast forward 8 weeks and life is getting tougher. I believe she is currently suffering from slight antenatal depression, I'm not sure but the signs are there. Constantly tired, feeling down, not happy, upset, angry, argumentative. We always knew pregnancy was going to be tough on us both mentally and phyiscally however I wasn't prepared for it to be like this all the time. Sara always told me she would be difficult and it won't get any easier for a long while but I need some help on how to handle this so I can show her that I'm here for her.
I do everything around the house from the cooking and cleaning and all the little niggley things to put her mind at ease but often it's never done right. I get her her favourite things or the stuff she craves and for a time she's happy and then she's gone again.
At times I feel completely useless as I can only try to understand what she is going through phyiscally and mentally. With her family being in Sweden it also makes it tough for her to have people to support her. Her circle of friends is small and at the moment none of them are going through what she is. We are due to start our NCT classes in November which I'm told will help her but I want to do something now! Does anyone have any advice for me?
Thanks in advance,
B
Hi Bunmio
Welcome to DadTalk and CONGRATUALTIONS on the amazing news. Being a Dad is THE most amazing role ever. I have 2 boys aged 7 and 5 and although there are always things going on I wouldn't want to change a thing.
Let me reassure you that you will be fine and I'm sure you will take to things like a duck to water.
Here are my top 5 tips and I’m sure other might add a few too!!
1) For most guys the hardest challenge is actually a really simple one, Making the choice to engage. Does that sound silly? It's actually the biggest challenge we face. If you daily make the choice to be a good dad you will be! But don't try and be someone you're not just be you.
2) Don't worry about what you don't know! There are loads of books out there and you can see some of them in the DadTalk Amazon Shop but to be honest the link to the child development site is a really good easy read. Check it out here. You aren't expected to be an expert on any of this stuff and no 2 kids are alike anyhow!
3) Don't forget mum! It sounds like your partner (and we have taken her name out for privacy purposes 🙂 ) might be going through some hormonal changes rather than anything else. My wife was a tad moody! 😉 during the pregnancies but I tried as much as possible to be there, listen , take things on the chin, buy small gifts, give massages, run baths etc and found that it helped.Our midwives can talk to you about that. My wife had a herbal tablet that her Health Visitor, I think, suggested for the first trimester.
4)Take some time to think about you. What type of dad do you want to be? are there things about you that you would like to work on in order to be that dad i.e. do you need to work on being more patient, spend less money, get a better work life balance. I wanted to be not just present in body but emotionally and mentally too. I have a tendancy to draw away from folk so took sometime out to look at why i do that and how i could get me time as well as be there for the family. My wife and I chatting this through and set some stuff up. We have changed things over the years as life/kids ages have changed etc.
5) Talk! the whole point of this site is to give us dads a place to talk to others and not bottle stuff up.
I've asked one of our Midwives to pop over to this thread and give you some thoughts, feel free to ask them as many questions as you want about the pregnancy, birth process etc.
Hope this helps. There are loads of vids and articles and other dads on here so do keep us updated on how things are going.
Hi Mate,
Welcome to the site . Wow what exciting news mate - congrats.
Though now you're over the elation you must be feeling a little bit like a spare part. That's ok - its normal. Desperately wanting to do the right thing to help out but not knowing what will be perceived as fussing and what will be helpful - been there got the t-shirt.
Your other half sounds hormonal rather than depressed - a quick poll of the dads at DadTalk towers got the response of "that sounds normal to me" when I described Sara's symptoms. Though of course if you are seriously worried that she maybe depressed then get her to have a chat with your family doctor.
She is going to be emotionally all over the place at the moment - its normal. You need to bite your tongue and take it on the chin.
You sound like you're doing all the right things - just try not to do the bloke thing of reminding her that you're doing them. Making a big deal out of the fact you're doing the cooking, is a sure fire way to get the other halves back up. (I hope that made sense). You will never do any jobs round the house correctly - its ok thats normal, just carry on doing them and don't expect a pat on the back.
Mate - from your post she sounds like the most important thing in your life - just let her know that she is on a regular basis.
If you have any other questions just pop back and ask mate.
Gooner
Hi Bunmio,
Many congratulations on your news! As a midwife, I have to say Harvey's dad has given some excellent advice. It is normal for women to go through a great deal of emotions, as well as physical changes and I think the first few months are often the hardest on both of you.
I would reiterate that if you feel your partner is depressed in any way, to seek medical advice, either from your GP or community midwife.
It may be worth talking to the NCT to see if there is a drop in support class, or visit a 'bumps and babies' session (they often run in local children's centres) for a bit of moral support for the both of you. In any case, I would make an appointment for the both of you to talk things over with your community midwife, who will be able to direct you to services and support networks in your region.
Please keep us updated on your progress and stay positive, for the both of you.
We await progress on the 'bump'!
Special Delivery.
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions it has helped. It is the most immense feeling in the world knowing your bringing another life into this world but it also makes you analysis every single aspect of your life. I'm learning new stuff about me and my partner every single day and it really is amazing to see how much you want to change in order to become the man your partner wants and the father you want to become! I'm super excited and scared all at the same time.
Again thank you so so much!
Hi Bunmio
Glad you found the thoughts and suggestions helpful. It's a really exciting time for you right now but you're bound to be apprehensive and scared all at the same time. Do keep us posted as to how you get on, and of course once your little one arrives.
All the best.
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