[Solved] an ex that is unwilling to negociate.

Hi Darren,

Have a read of yoji's guide to representing yourself in court at the top of the legal section, as this is a good starting point.

However, since your ex is suggesting mediation, I would go for this opportunity (and it will look bad for you in court if you refuse anyway) as it's the best way of sorting things out at this stage - with any luck, you won't need to go to court except to get the agreement set down in a contact order. Make sure you keep a diary of every conversation, text, email and everything that happens (good and bad) at contact etc as this is going to be useful if you do go to court.

One point I would make about the change to a Sunday - there is no way you could enforce this change originally, if your ex wasn't happy, she could simply have refused contact on that day and said she was sticking to the original agreement, the fact that it has continued for years indicates she was happy with the arrangement.

thats what ive been doing for the last few months keeping a diary. I can see it going to court as up to now its her way or not at all. she seems to think that i have no say in a matter if she wants it done a certain way thats it and my feelings dont come into the matter. Even when she stops my daughter coming because of her behavour, she makes comments like well least u be happy to spend time with ur other new family. And when i do get my daughter it shud be my daughters time and no one elses. so like the fact i had my son part of the day one wkend, because of his first birthday she didn't like it. yet after my son was born. 6 wks after she was having a go that my daughter had not met her brother yet. Depite the fact just over a week my partner was in hospital, then for four weeks my daughter was stopped from having her time with me. when i tried explaining this so been unable to let our daughter meet him. All i got off her well i have to decipline her. When i pulled her up abt diciplineing her in my time, and abt how many times it happened. She then makes a comment like well seems she not heeding the warning and continue to mis-behave it makes me wionder if she really likes spendind time with you. like i said it likes she does it to cause an argument.
She still now continues to bring up the past (nowt bad) but even things that have already been dicussed and sorted, oh so i thought

Her behaviour isn't untypical of some others on here I'm afraid.

Can you clarify what you would like to happen now with regards to contact?

Im hoping i can have my daughter every wkend every sunday then begin of every month sat-sunday (without her stopping me for weeks cause shes discipline the daughter.) Have her at my house and make her realise whether she likes it not, my daughter has extended family. Do what i want without being told i cant by the ex. i.e if she needs her clothes washing then me doing it. Have her at my house when she sleeps over night. And for her to stop pulling up the past every time she wants to have a go. Also to be kept informed by the mother whats going on. her not having a go at me in front of our daughter. if shes not happy to actually talk to me rather then shouting at me. also being able to contact the school for info. last time my mum did on my behalf she went mad saying i had no right too in future to go to her (Thats because we caught her out on a lie) Then at a later date when i go to her she just said "what ever goes on in this house is nothing to do with you". yet it was about our daughter

I think it would be worth looking at mediation again - although it has slipped a lot since you originally went, your ex would have a lot more to explain this time when you bring up your concerns.

i just cant see her agreeing to a lot if any of it. but then if we do come to an agreement how do i make it so she cant go back on what she agees on? law binding if neccesary.

how do i make wat ever we agree on she cant go bk on her word. and thats a big if as i dont think she agree with a lot of it

oops only sort of repeated my last msg as the other one wasnt showing lol sorry abt that

The good thing about mediation is that it starts to make her look bad if she makes unreasonable demands and dragging up things that are totally irrelevant to contact and the welfare of children, so there is a certain amount of pressure to come to an agreement because if not, then the next stage is to go to court, where they won't take so kindly to one party not being prepared to be reasonable. I believe once an agreement is reached, the agreement can be written into a contact order if you think it won't be adhered to, but at the very least, if it's left as an agreement, then if the agreement is broken, then it's a basis to go back to court.

The other thing you need to do is to take control of the situation to some extent - it's not easy, but you need to get past the comments that your ex is making (and I have to admit, my ex knew exactly what buttons to press to get me worked up - now, however, I don't have contact with her and live much better for it, and I think annoys her rather more). and concentrate on contact.

well the last time i had contact with her was through the letter i wrote. basically telling her as our daughters father i must have some say in things. told her shes well out of order having a go at me while our daughter is around and texting through our daughters phone. She did reply through a tx on our daughters phone but it didnt all come through. then one through on another number saying i have no rights thats for fathers who not married from ... such a year (cant remember but have got it written down) then also pointing out abt me goin bk on wat was agreed on mediation. when i asked what all she cud come up with changing from sat to sunday. saying abt when my mum picked sian up and sleeping at our house when m partner was in hospital (already tried explaining why but she just wont except it. im in the wrong and thats that) Also about leaving our daughter with my mum while i go to footie, yet this was mentioned ages ago. When i did go to footie, her grandma got to spend quality time with her and was not in danger. but i let that one go and stopped going to footie and leaving my daughter. And when i have gone to footie its because our daughter asked to go and so took her with me. because she got some home truths she decided to hit back with thing that is already sorted or that she just choses to bring up time and time again even though we never gonna agree on an outcome. so then also she hits me where it hurts and says u won't see ur daughter till we go to mediation or court. surely shes out of order doing that. yeah ok go to mediation but let me continue my contact with our daughter. hope this letter comes soon. the sooner i go the sooner we can sort it out and hopefully the less time i lose with my daughter.

Well, it sounds like she's prepared to go to mediation, so I'd press ahead with that as fast as possible. Make sure you don't lose it with your ex - I've said this to plenty of Dads before - if you go to court, the more reasonable you are, and the more unreasonable your ex is, the easier it's going to be for you. Keep all conversations brief and factual, don't bring up the past, concentrate on the future and on contact.

good job i texted the ex even though she made out that she was going to sort it to go through court or mediation she wants me to start the ball rolling,mediation here i come. does anybody know how you can get hold of old mediation paperwork as mislaid mine or have any idea how long they keep records for if at all?

The best bet is to ring them - the CCLC replied on another thread of yours with the phone number. Let is know how you get on.

Update:- Hiya i'm Nichola, Darrens partner. Darren has just ask me to update you on things. I've just rung the direct free phone number for Mediation They gonna get in touch with Darren through letter informing him of his first appointment- This appointment only Darren will attend, so that he can inform them of his situation. I think darren is happy with this because at least he can say what he needs to without his ex butting in or shouting him down as she normally does. Before he goes to it, we going to write down what he needs sorting that way we be more prepared and wont forget out. And hopefully it be a good start to get things sorted for their daughters sake.

Hi Nichola,

Thanks for the update - hope it goes well for him (and you) 🙂

finally i got a letter through the post for my first appointment for mediation. which is just for me to go then arrange another appointment where both me and the ex go and talk things through. It took two long weeks for the appointment to come through. The first meeting just be about if i have to pay, what they can do, and for me to go through what the issues are. Hope it gets sorted soon so access can resume. It's been since 11th march that i've not seen my daughter. my ex keep stopping our daughter coming cant be any good for our daughter surely.

Been to mediation today for assesment meeting, mediator worked out that i'm not entitled to legal aid. not going to be cheap but if it means i can get to see my daughter it will be worth every penny just got to wait now for the ex to confirm she is ok doing it as she said no more contact till it goes through mediation or court,mediator says could take 1 session b4 contact is resumed not sure myself. 🙂

[censored]!!- it sounds like you and my partner have the same ex!!!! We have the same demands/orders etc.

It is my understanding that as long as you are named on the birth certificate you have PR...

Am I to interpet from your post that your ex stops your daughter seeing you due to your daughters "normal" behaviour or due to her Autism "behaviour". Surely the court would look upon that with a big frown, as she is punishing your daughter to get at you. Likewise with the texts, that won't go down well. It could be perceived that she is emotionally abusing your daughter?...

Can empathise with your partner: exactly the same shoes! I think it's very sad when these women can't move on (your ex!) and then have to spoil our new lives. I am due to give birth anyday and I know my partners ex will throw something up about the new baby ( a boy incidentially!). The ex has already poisened their daughter against "my" baby. These ex'es only want to prepare "their" child to tell them that "they wont be loved anymore and that daddy will love the new baby even more" "Daddy will love it more because it's a boy"....

One thing we've been told numerous times: If the child makes a comment that appears to have come from your ex - document it, keep a diary, but don't rise to the comment. All we can do is our best. Keep up routines, keep the love (which is REALLY REALLY hard at times). Keep your chins up and congratulations on the baby!.

I wish it was true that if im on the birth certificate i have PR, but thats for fathers of children born from 2003 onwards. And my daughter was born before then, so because of this that she says her way or not at all. The only time i have changed what we agreed through mediation yrs ago is when it cant be helped. the ex does it to suite herself and her own needs. Despite when ive asked her why use my time with my daughter to punish her. I don't get a proper answer just "well i have to punish her and u shoudn't be telling me i'm wrong when i do punish her" Then when ive pointed out it cant be working if you have to stop her coming several times. she replied "well that makes me wonder if she likes coming. and at least u get time with ur other family" (This is all recorded in a diary.)