[Solved] another noob 🙂

Hi & welcome to the forum

The basic answer is that she should not be preventing you from having contact. The starting point is mediation to see if you can come to an agreement over contact - if you take it further, then the courts will normally expect you to have tried mediation (if your ex refuses, then the courts will not look favourably on her position).

Can you give more details of how often you have contact before it was stopped, and what reasons your ex is giving for stopping contact?

Also, I assume you are paying maintenance - don't stop maintenance payments because she has stopped contact, the two are separate matters.

hi, thanks for the responce,
basically when we first split contact was every other day and not a problem..untill i started my current relationship, after that Lucy's mum became very funny with me wouldnt let me see Lucy on her own and every conversation became about her wanting me back rather than how my daughter is doing.

after a month or two of this Lucys mum went to a soliciter about contact and we arranged for it to be held at a contact centre (my idea) went there once all was fine, the second time i was due to go i thought it was closed due to a bank holiday (information gained 2 weeks previous at the contact centre!) unforunately for me this was not the case, the time after that i was very ill (ended up in hospital) couldnt go so i phoned the day before to inform them.
afew days after this i recieved a letter saying all contact had been stopped.

I have opened a savings account for Lucy rather than handing money over to her mother as i dont trust her with it, i pay into this fortnightly and see it working out better for Lucy in the long run.

Sounds like your ex may be unhappy that you've moved on - it's not necessarily that she wants you back, it may be that she just can't sit with the idea that you are happy with anyone else. Human nature, I'm afraid.

As for the rest, I'm afraid this is going to sound rather harsh, but the idea is that you get it right and things get better. Basically (I have custody of my girls) my ex cancelled/missed contact on a regular basis and I did exactly what your ex is doing, which was to stop contact while I went back to court to get the contact order varied for my youngest - I had contact changed from twice per month to once per month, and only refrained from asking for it to be stopped altogether, or down to every 3 months because my daughter still wanted some contact, and her wishes were paramount.

To go back, the original contact order was twice per month, but almost immediately she started missing contacts with flimsy excuses at short notice, or no excuses at all. The effect this had on my daughter was very bad, and I was the one who had to pick up the pieces every time. Since the variation, over a year ago, my ex has missed a couple of contacts (two in a row in fact, so 3 months between contact visits) and my daughter now simply expects that contact could be cancelled at any time - it upsets her when it is missed, but it no longer surprises her.

This is exactly what you have to avoid, and I'm afraid you aren't doing well. Whatever the reasons, and yours sound genuine, your daughter simply knows that you aren't there, and I can guarantee that your ex won't be sticking up for you. So you need to ask if you can start contact again, and, short of death, you make absolutely sure that you make it. If she won't agree , then try mediation. Also, in the meantime, phone her at least weekly - it may not be a specacular conversation at her age, but it's contact. Also, don't forget that whn your new baby comes along, Lucy is going to feel left out of your attentions, the new baby gets you 24 hours a day, Lucy won't, so you've got to make exra effort.

As for maintenance, I can see exactly where you are with the provision you are making, but if your ex goes to the CSA, the simpe fact is that if you are earning more than £100 per week, the CSA are going to take 15% (12.75% after your new baby is born) as maintenance for Lucy and much as you may not trust your ex, she does have to pay for food, clothes , houshoild expenses etc to look after Lucy.

As I said, this may sound a little harsh, but my intention is to try to get you on the right track to having as much contact and as good a relationship as possible with Lucy.

thanks for the reply,
i would love to be able to phone lucy but her mother and grandparents wont allow it, plus a soliciters letter has warned me not to contact them directly. Im just confused as to what to do next? I love my daughter more than life but the longer i go without seeing her the less of a bond we will have (if she will remember me at all)

Taking it to court is the only thing left that could yield a solution but the fee's are ridiculous..

Hi gasjd

Again, welcome to the forum. I hope it is going to help you and I think you have been given some excellent advice by actd already. I'm really sorry that your contact with your little girl has been stopped like this. It does sound like a case with your ex of "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either." Very common I'm afraid.

It would go in your favour for you to consider mediation before going straight to the courts for them to decide. You can find out more about how this works at the Family Mediation Helpline 0845 6026627 http://www.familymediationhyelpline.co.uk

You could also call Families Need Fathers who will understand the issues here. Their number is 0300 0300 363, http://www.fnf.org.uk

I hope this is helpful to you.

hi Gazjd,

I'd contact her solicitor asking for the justification for withholding telephone contact - if you take it to court, then unless there is a very good reason, then the court aren't going to look on this too kindly. The solicitor sounds like he/she is trying it on in the hope that you will back off. From what I can gather, mediation isn't cheap unfortunately, but you need to suggest this at least so that the court can see that you have tried this. Assuming this is refused, then you need to apply to court as quickly as possible, for the reason you have given about losing that bond you have. You can represent yourself, in which case the court fee is £200 and it's easily worth doing this rather than giving up - at the very least, your daughter will know that you are trying to see her, and that's very important.

I would direct all correspondence to her solicitor rather than your ex, that will keep it more professional.

I would recommend that you ring the Children's Legal Centre for a chat about what you need to do next, but above all, don't give up.