[Solved] cheating issues

Hi There,

I guess this is tougher for you than her as you weren't expecting it, she would have known for some time that things would end where as you may have had an idea but not really been 100% sure.

Your ex moving on may not mean she is coping any better than you with the break up, it could just be that she is dealing with it in a different way than you.

There is no point in me saying move on and leave those feelings behind becuase until you come to terms with them you won't be able to.

Have you and your ex tried mediation? mediation may be a way to be able to express your issues to your ex and talk about your children, the mediator would promote conversation and you could try and get some answers to why this happened which may help you to move on.

Mediation would normally be about discussing issues like children and finances but from experience the mediator will help with discussions of any sort.

Darren

Hi Darren,
Thanks for reply. I wish I could just leave those feelings behind, unfortunately with the amount of cheating she did and the number of years involved its real hard. I never expected from her of all people to have done this, who would expect it from their partner. I guess its just going to be down to time will heal. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing the will to keep going, to keep trying etc. (not talking about doing anything crazy). We haven't spoken in 18 months and that's not likely to change anytime soon. I have tried to reach out to her and see if she'll communicate but she won't, shortly after I filed she went from being cooperative to angry, mean, unhelpful etc. So mediation is out. I don't know if I can even be around her now anyway too much [censored] has happened.
Thanks again.

How you feel is understandable, if you had parted in a nicer way then things may have been different.

There will be lots of reason you feel the way you do towards your ex and only you know these, but the main one will be betrayal and the fact she has been so hostile towards you since.

Do you have friends you can talk to about this?

We are happy to while away the time talking here so feel free to continue.

Darren

Hi,
The betrayal is difficult to overcome after 19 years with her and having a child together, a home and a business and now my life is upside down its tough to deal with sometimes.

I do have some great friends that I can call upon and I actually have full support from my x in-laws, who have been great. But I have to find a way to get thru this on my own and that's the difficult part.

I can't get my head around just how hostile she is towards me , I've never cheated, I kept my promise to her when we married, I supported her when she was going thru tough times, I even took her back when she told me of the affairs in the hope we could work it out. That was short lived as she was back at it within 3 months. I tried to keep it amicable during the divorce but she was having none of it, I've heard that's she pissed at me for 1, divorcing her and 2, selling the house. Well, what the [censored] does she expect!

The abuse that followed blew me away, it was non stop for a year and even now she'll find something to get at me with.

I appreciate your emailing me, thanks.

No problem,

The one thing I would strongly dissagree with though is that you have to get over this on your own, that is the one thing that will make coming to terms with things even more difficult, sharing is the best way to come to terms with life, its sounds corny but a problem shared is a problem halved.

The more you talk things over the easier it will be to accept them

Darren

You're right closing myself off to others will prolong the issue. My Sister in the U.K told me about this site and I'm glad she did, it's good to hear someone else's ideas on things. Thanks.

Hi as gooner has said that's what this site is all about.

Where do you live (doesn't make any real difference just being nosey :whistle: )

But yes closing yourself off to others will make things much harder to deal with, and that becuase you will only have yourself to talk too, when you do this you head will always make things much worse than they are. I'm not saying things aren't bad, but without talking things through with a friend or even on here they will seem much worse in your head.

Darren

Hi,
I live in the U.S, in California. I'm originally from Plymouth.

This site has already helped even in the short time I've been on it.

You're right about the head making things worse, downtime is the worst time for me, my mind runs riot. It's like a record that won't stop playing, it flashes images of her with these other men, the nasty [censored] she's said and done, the fact that I'm alone etc etc.

I'm trying to fill my time up with things to do to help keep me from replaying my past with her. I have a business to run and at times its so hard to get motivated to do it. I wish I had the strength to just switch off from all of it or better still to know how to switch off from all of it.

Steve

Switching off isn't easy the times i'm sure we've all wished there was an off switch for emotions.

What's your business?

Darren

I have a termite control company. Just startred up again last Novemeber. Had one previously for 9 years but had to close it due to the divorce.

Hi Steve, sorry you are going through this. I know me saying time will heal wont help right now but it does. You are in a type of grieving and following a pattern. Getting angry is a stage we go through but you will come out of this and learn to be happy again. I have been there so have two of my brothers and friends. Do you see your child, how old etc. Focus on your business again as this is going to be your bread and butter. I remember once my ex was coming to pick the kids up, I was a complete wreck, so I got showered and made up (had lost loads of weight ) and pretended to be happy, he was shocked and the next day he asked to come back, he said I was like the old me again, but guess what the new me was not going through all the pain ever again and I went out and got the new me a life. Took a while to trust again but it can be done.

Hi,
Thanks for the email. I see my daughter every other week and she's 16. One of the things I'm angry about is the way my x treated our daughter during and after the divorce. She filled her head with all kinds of lies about why we divorced, lies about me and to top it off lied in such a way that she justified her cheating. I'm not saying I'm a perfect person but I know and the x even said it wasn't me that caused her to cheat. But to tell our child that its ok to cheat makes my head spin.

It's good to talk with someone whose been thru this, it helps. Time is the best healer wish I could fast forward!! How long ago did you divorce? Were you married long? My friends believe my x will come knocking one day when she realizes the grass isn't greener, I have my doubts after what she did and has done since, she wouldn't risk the rejection again.

I'm trying to focus on myself, the business and especially my girl but I feel so down all the [censored] time, it's so frustrating to me. I haven't felt happiness in a long time quite honestly I don't remember what it feels like, how sad is that!

Steve.

Hi
Glad you are seeing your daughter, try to just focus on having a great time with her and dont discuss you and your x relationship, its not fair on your daughter to have been lied to by your x and filled with rubbish. Im sure your daughter wont think its right to cheat she is 16 and will be old enough to understand that being loyal and faithful is important. It took me about two years to get over my marriage breaking up but another 5 years to find someone I just felt at ease with and trust 110 percent. I cant understand people who are unfaithful, if you are that unhappy in your relationship you try to resolve this and talk not look for a bit of excitement else where. I understand what you mean when you are on your own and your mind starts thinking, I would sit there with a bottle of wine and rethink what had happened this went on for a long time, But then one day I thought enough is enough. So I made plans to fill the times I was alone. joined a gym, took a evening college course caught up with friends, had friends over , visited family. You need to now stop being angry, be happy she left as now you can meet someone who will be faithful who will be loyal and start dating.

hi there going though the same pain as u my ex left me 6 weeks ago was out of the blue new friend come along about 6 months ago so blamed all on her then last week found out that my ex had been slagging me off to her brothers wife for last 3 years and i thought she was happy no cheating going on but feel so low some days cry alot miss her and have not seen my boys who are 7 and 4 for 4 weeks now so that hurts alot hoping to get in to court soon just waiting on legal aid then to top it off she started saying that i domestic abused her and other stuff now she changed her number and have only seen her once wish it would get easer maybe 1 day

Hi,
I said the same thing to her, if you were that unhappy you should of just left. Not go out and sleep around. The problem with her is that she's not happy about anything. Never has been, I doubt that she's even that happy now. She lives with her 95 year old grandmother in a retirement community, rent free, has had a few boyfriends who have all dumped her [censored], so not a lot to feel great about. She has always blamed her mum for all of her problems. Funny thing is her mum is the salt of the earth and no one can understand why the x blames her so much for her life's struggles. I have gone back to working out, try to my friends as much as possible, I love it when my daughter comes to stay and I will do better at trying to be happy. Wine does help! but I don't want to fall into the trap of using alcohol to ease the pain. Can't date right now just not ready for it. Had a few dates in the past but they were more of a nuisance than anything else, couldn't get into it. I reckon I'm not really over the marriage yet. 🙁

Hi,
Sorry to hear your hurting mate. I also found out that my x was bad mouthing me for years behind my back, I still find that so hard to understand. I gave her so much of me etc it doesn't make sense. First and foremost is getting visitation rights sorted out for you and your kids. You'll go thru those times of missing her etc for a while and its normal, I do the same but for me its getting less and less. Time will dull the feelings down a bit. Breakups are so emotionally draining and I know what you're going thru, its a roller coaster ride. One minute you feel like you're good and can handle this then the next your down at the bottom of a pit with slippery sides so you can't get up. My advice for what its worth, don't stop your emotions coming out, suppressing those just makes things worse. Try not to do what I did and start blaming yourself for any of this it takes two. Concentrate on your kids and one day it will be better.