[Solved] Dont know where to turn

Hi there and welcome 🙂

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, your love and concern for your son shines through. When a relationship breaks down, especially when there are children involved, the difficulties families face can reverberate for a long time.

I think you should consider Mediation as a first step. There is a charge for this service unlesss you are unemployed or on a low income.After contacting the Mediation service you would have an interview with a mediator to discuss the issues that you need to talk through. The mediator would then write to your ex and invite her to attend for a chat, after this an appointment would be set up for both of you to attend together, and with the help of the mediator talk through all your concerns and hopefully reach an agreement.

If this fails then the next step would be to apply to the court for a residence order. Asking the courts to intervene is always a last resort and the judge would expect mediation to have been fully explored beforehand. If after you have attended mediation the ex refuses to go, then you would receive a form FM1 which you would need to submit to the court to show that mediation has been attempted and failed. It would also show that you are actively seeking resolution even if your ex isnt.

To apply for a Residency Order you can ask a solicitor to act for you, but unless you are unemployed or on a low income and entitled to Legal Aid, this can be extremely costly! Also there are new reforms coming into effect in April and Legal Aid for family cases will no longer be available. If you wanted to go down the Legal Aid route you must act quickly, get yourself a solicitor and apply before the April deadline.

You can also self represent, there are many Dads on here that are doing exactly that! There are two stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section that are really helpful. The first is called "The Contact Order C100 Guide" and is all about the C100 form which is the form you would need to fill in and submit to the court for residency, the fee for this is £200. the other sticky is called "A Guide to Representing Yourself in Court" and has lots of informationabout the court process.

Heres a link to the Mediation service ~ www.nfm.org.uk

Good luck with it all 🙂

Thankyou for the reply nannyjane.

Yesterday was a prime example as to where I am.

Its been nearly 12 months since me and my son left the family home. I tried to talk to his mom yesterday to try and discuss the process of charlie needing to be intergrated into school because of his delay. Again she is adament she will send him to a school in birmingham which means there will be little transferability from sandwell to birmingham because its different councils.

In my eyes the decisions she is trying to make are all against me and to try and hurt me not what is best for our son.

Im awaiting a call today to speak to my workplaces employee support firstly about legal advice and secondly for a councellor as I have so many emotions that i am struggling to put into order. Hopefully they will shed some light on the situation and where i stand as this is inevitably going to court.

I dont qualify for legal aid as i receive benefits for being a single parent. Therefore im about to pay out money i dont have but i will take your advice and read the self representation section as this may be my only option.

It would be nice to hear if and dads who may have been in a similar situation as me have done this and what the outcome was and if they have any advice when in court i.e. what to be prepared for and any tips.

Thanks again

Hi Simon, so does this mean your ex ife is now wanting to play full time mum and you will become a weekend Dad.
I would put your sons name on the school near you ask the nursery which one they advise. You have done a great job so far so I cant see why you cant have your son full time now he will be going to school and your ex weekends.
You have the cb and benifits this makes you the primary carer and you have him more. Just because she has decided he will go to a school near her doesnt mean he has to. Dont delay put his name down go visit the school, your ex as shown no interest in his education in the past, dont let her bully you. If it means you stop him going till this is sorted so be it. let her take you to court or you get in first. From what you have said you will get him full time . Things do change when a child goes to school. I would write to her explaining you have put his name at the school and offer a different set up of contact.

Thanks AK57

That is what she is planning. I could go on all day long with what my opinions are about her motives but without evidence they are irrelevent.

I have made enquiries into schools in my area and have found a perfect little school nearby who will more than cater for Charlies needs in development should he not be fully caught up by then. It is a lot better than the schools around her as I have researched those schools aswell.

She has recently contacted the nursery and Charlies inclusion support worker and had meeting with them both behind my back and they have, unknowingly to her, contacted me first to ask if its ok. They know it was me who made the referral and application for the ELT grant so her sudden wanting to know everything was a concern for them. I of course encouraged the involvment of his mother. We share custody as we were married when Charlie was born so I have no problem with her involvement.

The Inclusion Support Worker said to me that it may be a disruption in charlies development if he moves to a Birmingham council school as contact between the school and Nursery would be minimal. Nursery also said the same. That is why I tried to talk to her about maintaining Charlies development and happiness and keeping that going into a school in sandwell council.

I dont want to stop him seeing his mom as in the parenting guide for seperating parents it suggets maintaining contact is important for him and there is no denying he loves his mom even though Charlie is 3 and cant yet talk to express himself.

I am so scared of going to court about my son and having to prove im doing everything in his best interests. She will make all sorts of accusations im sure of that and its just daunting to think she will put her needs before him.

Regards

I think you're doing a great job and nobody could argue that you are trying to alienate the mother as all your actions have been inclusive. I think the driving force here are the reports from Charlies support workers and the nursery, which clearly indicate tht Charlie will be best served staying where he is.

It seems to me that you should act quickly on this and invite your ex to mediation to discuss this. As she has already requested meetings with the support team, perhaps a way forward would be to have a joint meeting. If you are both there she can hardly deny the advice and she may possibly change her mind.

I think she needs to be reassured that she is an important part of Charlies life and there is no suggestion that her involvement with him will diminish.

Hopefully through mediation, and lots of talking and reassurance, court can be avoided. 🙂

Thanks Nannyjane,

I have to be honest and say when I asked his mom to view the nursery and to attend his first day and she said she couldnt get time off work i did hold some resentment towards that and when inclusion support started to be involved in Charlies development I did hold back a little in what i told her but partly because i felt like she wasnt really interested. I felt a lot of anger as to what she had done and said she blamed me for her having an affair.

She didnt indicate she was that unhappy in our marrige and having been together almoset 11 yrs I had no concerns we werent both committed to each other.

I guess i just need reassurance I am doing right by Charlie and right by what the court will think. I hate that I will have to prove Im a good dad when everyday I strive to do right by him and give him the best start in life.

I accept mediation is the next step and I am looking into that and also have just discovered that Birmingham College of Law offer free legal advice on a one to one basis so Im taking that up aswell.

If i present my case as you have all read will i get the result i want and whats best for charlie? Its a hard question i know and i guess i wont know that answer till the courts decision but its all i can think about. Work have offered me councelling which is something I had before when I found out about the affair and it helped a little.

Does anyone know about finance in seperation?

The house we were in was my wifes and her dads. When i moved in when they brought it i signed a rent agreement at her dads solicitors but from my understanding Im entitled to capital from the house as we were married???? I have no knowledge in that area at all so if anyone does know that would be great. He also changed the locks to the house so i couldnt get my things from the house. I asked my wife for items to be collected and she refused to give me a date and time i could stating she didnt want me near the house. She also refuses to discuss the dividing of the contents as i paid for a lot of it. I just want whats mine and what im entitled to. Me and Charlie left with bin bags of clothes and essentials. I had to rely on family to help with other things i needed.

I really really appreciate you folks taking the time to reply to these messages it has really helped a lot. I still have hundreds of questions but one step at a time hey.

Thanks

...I cant second guess what a court may decide, but I think you are in with a good chance...The longer Charlie has been resident with you the more likely the court is to grant you Residency. It is all about what is best for the child, and moving him from an environment he is settled in is not in his best interests.

I really dont have any experience of the financial side of things, but I would assume that as you are married then you would be entitled to a share in any assets, particulary as you are the parent with care of the child. This is something that you can ask about when you go for your one to one session at the Law College, the Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to advise you too.

I will say that when financial arguements are bought into the equation, it can make difficult situations worse, and if you start pursuing her for a share of her assets, she may react negatively. It might be worth considering dealing with the Residency first and on conclusion of that, initiate enquiries about any financial claim you may have.

Thanks Nannyjane

You should really be called Nanny McPhee. lol

Thanks for your advice.
I will post how its going when any developments happen.

NJ you are so much nicer then me lol ... I would not want to exclude the mother but I think after reading the above post, with regards changing the locks I would now take the gloves off. Charlie is settled and its in his best interest to stay in the sandwell area. I think setting up a meeting with the nursery and all relevant people is a great idea, its whats best for Charlie.
Do you get maintanance ? If you dont I would apply for it as I bet if it was the other way round your ex would