[Solved] Hello

Hi!

It's sounds like you've been through a really rough time. So glad your son is doing well now. Are you both actually married or is it just that she would like to get married to be able to stay in the country? I take it you are named as the Father on the birth certificate?

I'm glad your kid is doing well now, and hopefully he'll grow up to be strong and healthy.

Now then, to be honest mate, you seem to be part of the problem. I'm not saying your ex is innocent, not at all, but you appear to be trying to dictate her life to her, and there is no way she is going to respond well to that.

I grant you, smoking both tobacco and marijuana can have negative effects on children, but it is not guaranteed. Thousands of adults in todays Britain had parents who smoked, and they haven't been affected by it. I'll grant you, I too would hate it if the mother of my child were to smoke, but then I wouldn't date a smoker to begin with. Also, I understand the difficulties associated with addiction, and smoking is an addiction. It is easy to say "you are pregnant, you must stop smoking now", but in practice it is incredibly difficult to do, and many people can't handle it, to pressure your ex and become angry over the situation was wrong of you in the extreme. It is noble of you to be concerned for the childs wellbeing, but your arguing, and near reaching blows will have only served to add incredible stress onto your ex, there is no way you can expect anykind of positive response from her. Also, if this kind of arguing was happening whilst she was pregnant, that can be far far worse for the wellbeing of the child than a parent smoking during pregnancy, there is a very real chance that you have caused so much stress for your ex that she went into premature labour!. I would like to say here that I'm not suggesting that that is what DID happen, I am only using it as an example to show you how, despite your clear concenr for the childs wellbeing, your actions may well have been harmful over all.

Moving on to the taxi situation, to put it bluntly, if the child was in the back seat, she didn't break any laws. In personal vehicles, children need car seats, in taxis, if one is not available, the child must sit in the back unrestrained. I can appreciate you perspective on this, it seems negligent, but in truth she hasn't done anything wrong, and you can hold it against her.

Frankly, the only case you have right now is that she smokes marijuana, which is a crime. If you want to be that petty, you could report her for that, but that would lead to months and years of fighting over parental rights and you relationship will never recover, even to one of civility.

If you are genuinely concerned, what you need to do is set aside some time for you to take care of the kid, and stick to it, its your time, don't let her take it for anything. At least then you will be seen to be spending plenty of time with the child. After that, pay attention and take notes about your exes activities. Don't stalk her by any means, but if you see her being overtly neglectful of your child, you need to record it somewhere private, then once you have enough evidence, go to your solicitor for further advice.

Right now though, you don't have a lot to go on, plus your anger and constant fighting with your ex is far more harmful than anything else. Be patient, play the waiting game and see what comes of it, and most of all, let your ex know you are there to help her if she needs help, but other than that, keep your days with the kid and leave her alone to learn to be a parent, that could be all she really needs.

I'm not sure I agree with Grummy 100% I think you want the best for your child, and you are worried about his wellbeing, forgetting the law on children in taxi's it isn't a responsible way to transport a child, A hospital won't allow a child to leave after birth if not in a car seat, so I would share your concern how she has acted in this instance puts your child at risk so of your worried.

As for the smoking this is another issue, I would say that she is acting a little more responsible as she at least left the house to smoke in the garden, though the smoke would still be on her clothes when she returned inside, I guess it's her choice to smoke and if you don't agree with it you can't really control it and the more you try the harder she will probably push back against you.

If she is smoking around your child you could ask her that if she is going to continue that she doesn't do it around him.

Being that she is here ilegally I would want to take steps to ensure that you are named on the birth cirtificate if your not already, I don't know how the law stands with regards to imagration if she were to be deported, but I would imagine if your not named as the father you would have no rights (or very little) to stop your son leaving the country.

Keep us up-dated and let us know a little more.

Darren

Hey,
thanks for taking the time to reply to my query !
To answer the of the questions: Darren, I am named as the father.
Sringchicken, we are not married and I guess she would like to get married to stay in the country.
Grummy I kind of get your point but the arguments that almost turned violent came after my son was born and she was giving him breastmilk, I talked to doctors and they said it was important for him to get his mothers breastmilk and that it was not advisable for his mom to smoke while she was producing breastmilk - that was enough for me, that was when I did insist that she stop for the child's sake - it has never been about trying to control her and she is actually the one who tries to get violent because she knows I will not hit her back! I have arranged to see someone with a legal background and hear what he says about it, will give you the feedback I get from him.
Thanks again guys for taking the time to reply !
Cheers.

No Problem, Please keep us posted.

And good luck

Darren

With regards to immigration status, if the child is born in UK, and is registered here, then that means the mother will be given UK residence with very little trouble, it also means however, that she cannot take the child away without breaking the law.

Nero, I believe you mate, I don't doubt for a second that your best interests are with your child, but I'm looking at this from her perspective. I do that a lot in situations to try to understand what someone else is going through, it helps to see things through their eyes when deciding on what you should do, or what your role is or has been. In this case, whether you mean to appear or be controlling or not, this could well be what she sees, and she will resent it.

Remember, people see things in different ways, and often what you are doing may appear different than you think they do. Of course, I'm not going to say that this IS what is happening, however, her attitude is very much of one under a lot of stress, and your actions may only serve to enhance that. Of course there is every chance she is going to be a bad, selfish parent, but you can't make that judgement based on her smoking addiction and one instance of travelling by taxi without a child seat (yes Darren, it isn't the most responsible way, but the law is technically on her side, as it makes allowances for parents who don't have cars of their own to still be able to use taxi services) in this particular instance, the law is what matters as you are talking of using it as a basis to take it to social services, and for them, they can't do anything about that as she has not done anything wrong in the eyes of the law. How any of us feel about it personally is unfortunately, completely irrelevant, for social services the law and their guidelines are paramount, and, as I said, in those cases, she has done nothing wrong.

Going back to the smoking thing, I agree fully, I hate smoking in general, and around children I find it inexcusable. However, Darren makes a great point, she went out into the garden to do it, that shows a measure of consideration. Also, yes, he may have been left in his cot, but young children don't actually need 24 hour constant observation, a few minutes along in his cot is not going to make a difference. All things considered, as long as she didn't leave him on a table, or on the floor, and wasn't away from him for half an hour or more, it's not really an issue. A few minutes to smoke, away from the child, that's not a problem really.

With the smoking during pregnancy and breast feeding, again, yes I agree on a personal level, however, I am fully aware, (as it's a side of human activity and psychology that interests me) of how powerful addiction can be. People find it easy to sneer at addiction (not trying to suggest you are), and don't take it seriously, however addiction is both a serious mental and physical illness, and beating them is one of the hardest things anyone will ever try to face. It may not be nice, but your ex can't be criticized for giving in. From what you have told us, she tried hard during pregnancy, and it has obviously proven too much for her. Shouting at her about it won't help, what she needs is support.

Truly mate, I get you are concerned, but until the day you can pinpoint genuine neglect on her part, she is here to stay, and if you want to be a part of things, then you need to maintain a good relationship with your ex, that means that arguing over everything has to stop, and instead offer her support when she is ready for it.

Rather than fighting, sit her down and talk to her calmly, tell her that you'd like her to try quitting smoking again, that you know it is difficult, but that it is for the best now there is a child in the picture. Tell her you'll support her efforts anyway you can, rather than shouting.

I get how frustrated you are, truly I do, but arguing only leads to more arguing, what you need is to be calm, only then can things get better, so be the better man, approach her calmly, be polite, be honest, and be patient. Any time you have a problem, that is how you approach things. Give her the option of your help, then let her come to you. Just giving her advice without her asking for it will seem, to her, like you are bossing her around (even though you're not) and she won't react well. Calm, polite, honest and patient, that's the key.

There is no guarantee it will work of course, some people just won't respond, and if that's the case, then the situation is going to get difficult. Better you try than not though, because she could well respond positively, which will help everyone, especially the little one.